Hang in there Rouky. Lean on your friends for a few weeks. I know they are glad to help you. You are right that this is your husband's fault. You are just trying to pick up the pieces of his train wreck. I am praying for you and I know that you are resourceful and smart and that you will get through this. Be strong and know there are a lot of us pulling for you.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I have noticed changes in me, a couple of months ago Wednesday's interaction with H would have knocked me down for few days but on Thursday night I was fine. I have organised a storage and a removal company to help me move. The people I'm buying from are refusing to pay indemnity for the extension, so I'm going to see what I can legally do about it, although it looks like I'll have to pay for it myself! Not fair and I think I'm losing faith in mankind, and people doing the right thing!
H failed to turn up on time so I drove kids to where he was supposed to stay but he wasn't there (with OW), when we got back home H was really annoyed when youngest daughter asked him where he was! He lied to her! It's obvious that he doesn't like people to challenge him and if it doesn't go his way, he becomes aggressive! A friend asked me to look at narcissistic on internet, I look at it and I see a lot of H's features. I'm wondering if he is really in MLC or if he is really a nasty person, I'm leaning towards the latter after how he said his ex is a cow ( they have separated12 years ago, and he still speaks badly of her and how he laughed when I mentioned his behaviour towards OW), and I guess he speaks the same about me to OW. What I find amusing is that he left his first partner because he hated her, so surely by now he'd have outgrown it.
All my friends are telling me that there is a reason why I am on this path, but I have to admit I'm finding it hard to understand why.
Hi Rouky, it's good to notice our different reactions as time passes. I find that XH can now do/say things and I shrug them off. Much more now I think - well that's his life and that's up to him etc. I'm far less reactive.
Good for you on the moving plans. We may need to pay for an indemnity WRT some work we had done. Looks like it may cost a few '00s, and it's a bit of a pain if the vendor won't pay it. But if you have to and it sorts things, maybe it's best just to fund it?
Looking forward to hearing that you are settled in your new place...a new chapter for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm not going to make it. The house is almost empty and we have started to discuss alternate weekend. As I'm writing this I'm crying as I'm so sad. I have list my H, my family unit and my house! What have I done to derserve this? Have I been such a bad wife? Why does it hurt so much? Where did I go wrong in DB that I am not able to save my marriage? H is now the father I always wanted him to be, why hasn't been able to do it when we were together? What am learning from all of this pain? Why is God putting me through this? Why can't I be loved and cherished?
Oh boy! It hurts! Also found out H is going to a friend's wedding with OW, all of our friends are going to be there and accept her. I think moving house is taking its toll on my sanity. I know I'm not a bad person. I know that I was suffering from depression and didn't show H how much he meant to me. I remember him telling me that I will regret my behaviour one day, then I guess it is happening now.
I'd just like someone to give me a hug and tell me that everything and I will be fine. Why can't I see my worth? I could have sank deeper in my depression and taken my life as at the time my life was so unbearable but I didn't. I went to work everyday and kept to my routine. All my colleagues are saying how strong I am and I still manage to do a good job, so why can't I believe that I'm worth much more than I think I am? Why can't H see this?
Rouky I would love nothing more than to hug you. And everything will be fine. This is just a bump in the road and things are going to be much better. God will help you through this. He didn't do this to you, your husband did. I think you are having trouble seeing your worth because you have put so much into your marriage. You put a lot of value on being a great wife and mother and unfortunately your husband is lost in his own world and cannot see it. Like I said on my own post, you need to get yourself out there. Get some social activity going and meet some people. When the time is right you will meet someone special. Just always look your best and focus on the things in life that you love. There is someone looking for you and if when you are open to it he will find you.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'm not going to make it. The house is almost empty and we have started to discuss alternate weekend. As I'm writing this I'm crying as I'm so sad. I have list my H, my family unit and my house! What have I done to derserve this? Have I been such a bad wife? Why does it hurt so much? Where did I go wrong in DB that I am not able to save my marriage? H is now the father I always wanted him to be, why hasn't been able to do it when we were together? What am learning from all of this pain? Why is God putting me through this? Why can't I be loved and cherished?
Oh Rouky my friend I wish I could give you a hug! Your post has me crying! I feel your pain so much, especially the pain of alternate weekends. I cannot get passed the pain of that thought myself at the moment. You have done nothing to deserve this though. The fault is with your H. He is the fool who cannot see what he had in you. You are worth a thousand of OW. You love honourably and do not take other people's Hs away from them. You do not break up families. Their love began with deceit. You are strong to have already come so far with your head held high and fighting for your M all the way. Sending you the biggest hugs!
Yes, you are going to make it! I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. Honey, your h is the one that broke the marriage vows and went outside the marriage to seek the attention of the ow. You were the strong and caring wife who took care of the home, children and your h's every need. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your h is a broken man and you can't fix him.
You didn't do anything wrong when it came to DBing. You did everything the way you were suppose to but, he made some really bad choices that affected all of you in different and painful ways.
As for your h going to a friend's wedding w/the ow, it shall be an interesting and possibly an uncomfortable situation for the ow. Why? Because people may or may not accept her and yes, they will be wondering what he sees in her, but they will not say a word to your h about his choice. There is no guarantee that they will accept her...some of them may and others will just tolerate her.
As for him telling you that you will regret your behavior one day...please stop thinking about that comment. Don't add more hurt upon yourself. You were depressed and he needed to be there for you as a husband and a friend. If he were the right kind of person, he would have done all he could to be there for you. To say such a thing to someone who has suffered from depression is unthinkable in my books. He certainly didn't have a new battery in his empathy chip.
Rouky, feel the pain. Cry as much as you need to and then release it. You will be fine in a while. In fact, you will be better than fine because I know you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You will become stronger and wiser than you have ever been. You are worthy of someone who will love, cherish and respect you for who you are and your h isn't that person at this time.
I'm sending you hugs and positive thoughts. Please, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You keep asking what is wrong with YOU, instead of asking what is wrong with HIM? I mean, he has a history of this behavior, don't forget he walked out on his first child's mother too. (It might be VERY interesting to talk to her and see if he was still involved with her when yo0u and he first met - I know he told you one thing, but he could have been lying. )
He's really not shown himself to be a good reliable man, not just in relationships but also in work etc. So why are you worried about whether YOU measure up? You should be asking yourself why you settled for a guy like HIM.
Thank you very much for all your support Shotgun, Inpain, Job and Kml. I think my problem is the power struggle between my brain and heart. The latter knows that I'm better off without H and I have proved it for the past 14 months but my heart still loves him. Or is it who he was and now I'm trying to hold onto a fantasy version of H ( the one I fell in love with and the one who fell in love with me).
My friend who told me about his affair said that he is the one with the problem due to his track record ( like you pointed out Kml), but she also said that his relationship with OW is more likely to last because they have no young kids together, so she can pay him all the attention he needs!
It's really hard to get out because if I go out in the evening I'm tired the next day, it costs me to pay for a babysitter (H won't babysit), and all the friends of my age are still married and don't want to go out! I have to do school work every evening!
Probably with moving house is playing with my stress levels! Usually H would deal with it but in insight he was getting stressed about it but when it's straight forward it's not that bad.
I just need to have faith in me and my abilities that I can do things! And so far I have, so why do I doubt myself?
Ah Rouky, my heart went out to you reading your earlier post and I'm glad to see that others have posted already and offered kind words & support. It is a stressful time for you and I think you are right - when you are tired and stressed it can all seem overwhelming.
Just know that this too shall pass and you will soon be settled into your new place and a new chapter will open. I understand what you're saying about the heart and head and I'm sure we have all felt that way. For me the heart stuff does seem to have faded on the D being finalised. I now feel much more - ugh, do I still have to liaise with you? I'm looking forward to when that isn't the case - but maybe that's just some anger coming through?
I guess the thing is - these are such significant relationships in our lives, we don't leave them behind easily. However, ultimately we do find our way through. And I think making your most genuine efforts as a LBS are a good investment 'for the other side' - because there is peace in knowing you did what you did. I don't believe the WAS has that and that's a tough road to walk...
Take care and be kind to yourself. You'll get everything done and then you can enjoy a glass of wine in your new place xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
