Someone please tell me I am not the only one who suffers so terribly from codependence!
you are not the only one. you are not alone.
this journey, this struggle is not easy in the slightes...think kicking a drug addiction...that is how NOT easy this struggle is.
you are right there on the verge of taking control of your life again...and i think all these emotions are good to work theough as long as you keep moving forward.
Someone please tell me I am not the only one who suffers so terribly from codependence!
you are not the only one. you are not alone.
Thank you. As many others have posted, I am sorry that you too are here, but still a relief to know I am not the only one.
Originally Posted By: Zephyr
this journey, this struggle is not easy in the slightes...think kicking a drug addiction...that is how NOT easy this struggle is.
you are right there on the verge of taking control of your life again...and i think all these emotions are good to work theough as long as you keep moving forward.
proud of you for opening up to your brother.
you will get theough this and you will thrive!
I hope! I thought I caught a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel, but keep losing it.
One thing that is frustrating me. I left everything at the house when I left. The OFP prevented me from getting anything. XW was then able to go on with life as normal without me, substituted her friends in my place, take my toys, all my money, and just continued living. In mediation she insisted on getting everything that had anything to do with the kids. I tried fighting it but was held over a barrel, if I tried fighting it I would be stuck in court for many months and me paying her atty fees. The only logical choice was to give in to get it over with. I am sure she is scared to lose the activities with the kids too, but obviously no concern whatsoever what I am able to do with the kids. She is selfish because of her depression, or because of her problems with separation from me, or that is how she has always been? I'm going to go with the last answer, she has always been selfish.
Unfortunately this is one of my bigger fears... What will I do with my kids? Doing some of the activities with the kids will be extremely difficult without her, unless I find someone else to replace her, either friends or a girlfriend. I have an enormous number of friends, but they are all too busy, or their kids are the wrong age, or they aren't into the same things as I am. just keep looking for friends, keep trying every one every weekend? Or just give up the hobbies and find new ones?
Unfortunately this is one of my bigger fears... What will I do with my kids? Doing some of the activities with the kids will be extremely difficult without her, unless I find someone else to replace her, either friends or a girlfriend.
There is a tremendous amount of activites you csn do with your kids one on one. I spent nearly 3 years basically doing stuff with my boys without wife. she just was not present for them. it is a learning curve, sure but I've found that some of thier favorite memories over last 5 years was just dad being there...not just there really, bit actually present and engaging.
it is my wife's loss that she didn't or couldn't be involved like i did. I have pity for her for that. she broke down last spring...I remeber it, she said how it has been so long and ashe felt so terrible for not being able to be as involved with them. she told me how lucky she was and children are for being such a tremendous father. she could not lie to herself about that despite all of my other 'faults'.
THAT is something you control. being a goidfather figure to them, that nothing your wife or MIL could ever say to them, would hold any sway because they know the truth because you are there for theme when they are with you. period. you control your actions. the kids see it. they absorb all that we do, the learn and grow as a result.
seriously, you can make a list of activites to do with them, even sit down and ask thier input once they see some examples they will come up with more I'm sure.
when I get some time this week, if you want I can give you examples...at work now and lunch will be spent getting license renewals for cars.
you are soooooo on a good path here, i can feel it!
Well, I actually managed to truly enjoy some time today. Went shopping with the kids, bought some recreational stuff for them, stuff we already had but xW will get in the D and I need to replace. I used joint money for it... I have given way more than 1/2 to her, I don't feel bad about it.
In a letter from xW's atty, it was brought up that I said to the kids that the asset division was not fair. I asked the kids if they thought I said that, they said no. So W is making this up completely. S11 is actually who said it to me. So when asking them about this tonight, they said W told them it wasn't fair because I make so much more than she does. What does that have to do with anything? After support she will be making as much as me if she goes full time. And I gave her a 32k check. Dumb! I leave statements up to them, let them bring up what they want, validate, that's it.
Then the kids start telling me she is looking at motorhomes, so they can travel. She's going to buy a 4K motorhomes and travel? With my kids? Scary. And she plans to buy a boat, a truck, etc. She has some big dreams! I'd think she'd be more worried about finding a house.
Oh, bad news, some of the loser friends made up. Bummer.
Here’s one of my favorite conversations, this happened in the middle of the arguing right before she filed the OFP
W: I know, you always say there is something wrong with my brain Me: no, I never said that, we are having a communication problem. The intent of what I say is not what you hear. We need to figure out what is going wrong
Next day W: I can't believe you said there is something wrong with my brain Me: no, you said that, and I said we are having a communication problem
Next day W: I still can't believe you said there is something wrong with my brain Me: no, you said that, and I said we are having a communication problem. Do you remember that or not? W: yeah, I guess I do
Oh how I am going to miss talking to her.
IC guessed that she rehearsed the feeling in her head so many times that she went from thinking that I think that to believing I SAID that.
4 months before BD, I overheard her telling the kids I was mean to them. I texted her, saying I heard her bad-mouthing me to the kids. She texted me back and said "you must be hallucinating."
The kids since BD, I asked them if anyone ever told them I was mean to them. They said "yeah, mom used to say that." Who is hallucinating?
So tempted to write down these examples and give them to her IC. Think it will do any good?
Well, I managed to get in an argument with xW today.... Even with the OFP in place. She started it, LOL.
I get to my house to pick up stuff, 1/4 of the grass is mowed, the rest is knee high. P'd off that she's off running around and leaving the grass like that. That's gonna be fun to knock down by July. I guess I should be grateful she mowed anything?
Next, she has her toxic rumor spreading FF there, and FF's druggy son. And MIL.
She got stuff ready outside, so I couldn't go in house or garage. Thought she forgot first thing, she tells me where it is directly, I say OK. So far so good.
One item I am picking up with just caked with mud. So, I start washing it. Then tell the third party she can wash it. She is paying for the third party, what donI care? She yells to me about how it's not a problem, Inyell back that it is. OK, going downhill fast.
I ask for life jackets, she says in a super snotty tone "they are in the boat." I answered back in a slightly less snotty tone, "Ok." She elevates to even more snotty, like super childish snotty, "OK." Yep, going downhill really fast.
If I was supposed to be DB'ing, my first attempt failed miserably. Between I did try to smile and laugh a little with the third party, trying to keep calm, but forgot all about any ideas of DB'ing.
We yelled back and forth a few times, it wasn't pretty. Her reactions were so childish, and it felt so familiar. I actually never got sad, the entire time. Hate was rolling to the surface, but even with her spewing anger I felt a little connection to her.
So why did the connection still feel there? I guess I always let it roll off when she acted like that. Huh, I learned some stuff about the R right then and there. It reinforced and defined my understanding of the patterns. I would try to de-escalate her anger/sarcasm/defensiveness, though not handled perfectly, and she would escalate it further. I accepted the behavior as being part of who she was, but would tell her I didn't appreciate it. I wasn't a doormat, pretty sure. Though what is ironic is I now feel like I should apologize to her for my behavior today, even though she was being selfish. Maybe I am the doormat? Partially?
I told my mom after that I was glad tha she got to see W's true colors. Simple questions, slightly confrontational, lead to indirect answers and sarcasm. Definitely still playing the victim role again. I played devil's advocate, with my complaints and not letting it affect me at all. Still, I feel good about not letting it consume me for more than one minute. I was polite and friendly to the third party, made a point of making sure W saw it... Not sure my incentive there, still too worried about what she is thinking?
Got my atty invoice. Ouch. Another 6k gone. Over 25k now in atty, mostly due to the OFP slowing everything down. Plus the 32k check I gave her, so 57k!!!!! It would take her 4.5 years to make that much if she put every dime against it. I feel I have lost so much.... I worked so hard, just to give her half my stuff, plus this 57k! Plus the 18k she has spent out of the joint account since BD. Plus 1500+ a month in child support is likely. Plus all the heartache. Even if she came back, even if I could forgive her, we'd never be the same financially, never!
