What Should I be doing 3

[Coconut]

CBT, I did read your first response, and now your second.. I know what you are saying, but it's easy to know, hard to do...

btw, I am not frustrated from lack of ML, I don't expect to jump back to that, it's just having expectations that I can't get past.. but that's my issue, not hers.

Sandi, your always welcome to respond, I was just saying that I knew what concerns there are with what I was accepting, and that I accepted those possibilities when I backed off my NC boundary. Although I must admit is not an easy thing to trust her with him there, but she is being transparent.

Anyway, I will speak with my W later, I will acknowledge her efforts and will tell her that my request was not carefully thought out and I am no longer asking that she move out of MBR.

[Coconut]

Sandi, but how does Coconut know that it's not temp-checking? This is all so confusing. He's trying to protect his broken heart and is just doing what comes naturally, pushing the hurt away - his W.

DDJ, I believe that my W has committed herself to trying to move forward with just her and I, and not having more contact with OM than what is absolutely necessary. So Sandi is saying that if that is what I want, why am I pushing her away when she is giving it to me...

My issues are mine, I need to detach, but I need to do that without actually pushing her away and making her feel like she doesn't have my support. MY ISSUE, I need to sole it without affecting her negatively. If she was still pursuing the A, Sandi would not have given that advise.

[cbtdad]

Oh trust me. I definitely know its a lot easier said than done.
That's why I was letting you know my experience.
I totally get it

[roist]

I remember many a night I could not stand being in bed with my W. Everysingle time it was due to my thoughts at the time. Yes it is mucheeasier to say feck off and come back when fully there.

But Michele does advise to ask if doing this brings you closer or further from your goal?

When I was depressed I hated being in bed with myw I was full of resentment for our situation. We barely spoke and both kept our distance.HHorrible situation.Today I appreciate the little contact o have ans am comforted by her being beside me. It is all down to a change in my thinking. It is definitely not accepting this as as good as it gets.

Best wishes

[Coconut]

Oh, and BluWave started a thread that's been bouncing around regarding not being Mr. Nice Guy...

From what I have read about that "condition", I think it may well describe my general personality. I have ordered the book to learn more. May fall in line nicely with getting my balls back and taking control in my household.

[sandi2]

Sandi, but how does Coconut know that it's not temp-checking? This is all so confusing. He's trying to protect his broken heart and is just doing what comes naturally, pushing the hurt away - his W.

Based on what Coconut has said, I saw no signs that hinted at her temp checking. So far as we know, she has cooperated with what he required of her. He felt very satisfied that she was being truthful and gave a sincere apology. Then that night after going to bed, they cuddled. Could it have all been a lie? Sure, but at the moment he has nothing showing him that she is being deceitful.

She was not pushing herself on him. I did not see any action from him that indicated he was trying to protect his heart from her. At least, not that night she apologized. Remember, he was the one who decided he would remove the NC boundary, and said she was doing what he needed. It was later he wanted her to leave the MBR b/c he was anxious about the sex issue. He realized how tough it could be to sleep with her and her not wanting sex. That was probably him protecting himself. But it was not the correct staking make after she willingly did what he asked. Frankly, the fact that was responding to his body, seem positive to me. I can only imagine how confused she felt when he told her he wanted her to sleep somewhere else. He needs to prepare himself tonight, b/c she may decide they can't work through these problems. I hope not, but it's a possibility.

I am sure it must be terribly confusing when a LBS is trying to grasp all this information while under a lot of stress. One can't write it all out in a single post. My posts are usually too long, and people skip over some of it.

To sum this another way...........the H must take a stand. He is the lighthouse. She is out there in the waves being tossed around by her emotions. When she looks at him, she needs to see him standing tall and strong. He shines a beam of light to show her how to get back into a healthy MR. It is up to her to follow the lighted way or remain in stormy waters. When he tells her what it will take to save the MR, that is shinning the beam of light..........he is showing her the way back. It takes a great deal of strength to stand firmly and not crash under the strain. If the lighthouse is sending mixed messages.......well, you can see what a mess it could be.

Now, if the WW tells him that she will not end the A, or won't agree to NC, transparency, etc., then that is the time to ask her to sleep in another room......if that's what he wants. He should not do it if she is cooperating with what he has said he needs from her.

If at any point he should discover she has been deceitful, he can decide if he wants her out of the MBR. However, if the W is doing what he said it would take.........why would he turn around and punish her? That makes no sense at all.

As for protecting his heart, it has to come through detaching from the whole co-dependent, nice-guy traits........enforce boundaries, and stick to the transparency plan until she is completely over the addiction of the affair/OM.

It is not time to trust her completely. He can trust, but verify. As long as her words matches her actions and attitude......he can allow his trust to slowly grow. Right now, it is just too early. This is a critical time for both of them. He has to be alert and on guard. Most LBH'S I have seen, wants to hear her apologize and then they go to bed, have sex, and then he's ready for everything to fall back into place. Sorry, but it just isn't that simple and it takes a long time and hard work to survive this crises........and hope to have a successful MR.

[J5K]

My posts are usually too long, and people skip over some of it.

Sandi,

I read every word from the posts I find from you. Hoping I can understand my WW and will make me more knowledgeable for the future with or without my WW.

[sandi2]

Thanks, Jim. I appreciate it.

[DDJ]

I love your posts, drool on every word. My WW is clearly with OM2 or om3 by now. She said last night that she'll give up alcohol and new friends.

I will see what her actions are and will not stress her even more. Still awaiting transparency with phone.

Sandi, must she come clean with cheating, or will that take time?

[Coconut]

Sandi, your posts are never too long, I too read every word in your posts, in fact, some I wish were longer. You have a talent at clearly explaining what's going on, and you have been the source of many ah-ha moments for me and many others.

So last night I told W that I really spent time thinking about what she has done to start moving forward, that I appreciate the actions she has taken on her own to regain my trust, and follow though on the actions I have requested. I apologized that I allowed my insecurities to move me to make the request that she moved out of the MBR, and that my request was counter intuitive to what we were trying to work towards.

She really seemed to appreciate my owning up that it was a mistake to want that, and that I recognized her attempts to do things to regain my trust. She again went to bed with me to watch tv when I went to sleep, and even laid her head on my shoulder while I fell asleep. Crises averted.

What she's done to start making things right:
1. Texts me constantly with her location and goings on.
2. Texts me occasionally to just say hi, and she's thinking of me
3. When I walk in and she's on phone, she holds phone towards me so I can see what she's doing.
4. Doesn't guard phone, leaves it laying around
5. Doesn't comment negatively when she sees me going through her phone
6. Tells me when OM is at station, and reassures me she is not talking with him or working next to him.
7. Opens up about how she's feeling about how things are going, good and bad.
8. Has started discussing what would make her happy if I did.
9. Her small demonstrations of affection are sincere, I.e. when giving a hello or goodbye kiss, she holds her gaze for a second and doesn't just turn away righ away.
10. Reassures me that it's going to take awhile, but that she's trying and occasionally has a real draw to me, that her feelings for me are coming back, but in small bouts.