I don't know if you should confront her. The problem that you face is that it may well be an EA and your wife may see the OM as "just a friend." And, that friend is likely "helping" your wife because your wife's husband is a big meanie. So, if you ask you wife, she'll say there is no OM. In her mind there may not be an OM because the OM is just a friend.
You have to remember, this is bizarro world; reality is unreal and logic doesn't apply.
I don't know if you should confront her. The problem that you face is that it may well be an EA and your wife may see the OM as "just a friend." And, that friend is likely "helping" your wife because your wife's husband is a big meanie. So, if you ask you wife, she'll say there is no OM. In her mind there may not be an OM because the OM is just a friend.
You have to remember, this is bizarro world; reality is unreal and logic doesn't apply.
Right, I get that 'just-a-friend', and he's married, what's a quickie with another man have to do with an affair? right? haha. My thing is, KNOWING this, is making me think much more strictly about my 'leniancy' of her wishes. I know I should be 'strict' in a nice way, but this is just making me 'not care about anything she says'... maybe that's a good thing. I'm obviously not 'detached' to the point I need to be, I understand that now.
I had fear that her saying "I'm working on me, and I'm only working on me, and I'm just leaving her and our marriage out to dry", was making me think that "detachment" is actually going to kill our M (and maybe her), but I see the process through the clouded fog of my forums posts (and your responses). It's been almost 10 days since my last coaching call, I think I'll setup another one for early next week after the 3-day weekend. It's time to step back and refocus.
I'm reading the "lost art of listening", it's decent. I'm anxious to get started on "the solo partner", as I think that is a little bit more geared to what I need 'right now'.
Stepping back and refocusing is probably not a bad idea. Talking to a coach is probably a good thing to do as well.
If I were able to have the opportunity to do my situation over again, then my approach would be different depending on the "stage" of the EA. If I'd caught it early enough, then I think the soft approach may have worked, but in the later stages, I think a sledge hammer would've been best. But, I think my wife was predisposed to having an EA because of childhood sexual abuse (I can explain the whys and wherefores of that if you'd like).
I'm a different person now, so I'm much less tolerant of certain things (i.e. I have better boundaries now).
When you read "solo partner" you should listen to "dancing with myself."
The Solo partner is great! Start reading it now!!! Chapter three on reactivity will help you a lot with your wife it sounds like
My current library includes the following: "The Solo Partner" "The Verbally Abusive Man. Can he change?" "Boundaries"
Those are the books I'm reading right now
If things keep progressing as they are my next reads will be "The Five Love Languages" "Seven Principles for making Marriage work"
That's down the line for me right now because I'm really learning and focusing on what I did to get out marriage to this point I've learned to really go by her actions and not her words Her words continue to be "skeptical" But her actions are really promising I'm not bringing that stuff up Just gonna keep focusing on me and how to make myself better That's what I can control
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Ooh, her reason? How are you holding up? Stay strong!
No "reason" yet. Since she retained a childhood friend of mine for the D, he contacted me immediately after and said 'I normally don't contact opposing party, but since we are longtime friends blah blah blah". So I guess I get a pre-file heads up, but he said with it being Memorial Day weekend, the formal "file" probably won't happen until Wednesday or Thursday, but it's already in process with their firm... So I guess I got a bit of a head start.
I'm not going to lie to you all, the formality of knowing it's "filed", has me a bit defeated...
Sorry to hear that man! Just so you know the fact that she filed doesn't mean it's over. You need to just continue to work on you and keep doing what you need to better yourself. If it saves your M then great, but worse case you come out of this a better person My first time around here my W filed. Seven months later we were reconciled Just focus on you
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Sorry to hear that man! Just so you know the fact that she filed doesn't mean it's over. You need to just continue to work on you and keep doing what you need to better yourself. If it saves your M then great, but worse case you come out of this a better person My first time around here my W filed. Seven months later we were reconciled Just focus on you
Thanks for the sympathy... Did the divorce go final before reconciling? According to my friend (her lawyer), she wants this done in the least time possible (60 days minimum). I know I can 'drag that out', but likely won't help matters.
She says "she needs the time alone at the house for herself to consider saving the marriage. with me there, she can't think, she can't cry, she's guarded, etc etc." I know not to believe anything coming out of her mouth. But I think this week and next week would be a good time to "Go Dark". Not necessarily tell her I won't be coming home, but just not come home (I'll sneak in here and there to take care of dogs, because she's way to unpredictable to trust with letting the dogs out - I don't want to come back later to pee and poo all over the place)...
Already had plans to go out with brother tonight, I'll stay there. I might just go down to the lake tomorrow instead of sunday, and stay down there to be out-of-site, out-of-mind, and to get her off my mind as well. I still need to detach.
