V, The problem is that my tracker was wrong once before. It showed H outside the hospital so I texted him and he instantly facetimed with me. He was in the hospital even though the tracker showed him elsewhere. (This was in December before he broke NC) The problem isn't the location tracker, the problem is I am not detaching properly. If I am following DBing then I shouldn't be snooping or checking up on him, right? Or is this technique incorrect for suspicion of the affair resuming? I am so confused.
I slept poorly last night and awoke at 4:30 this morning and was up for the day. My stomach is feeling quivery and my anxiety is high today. If you knew me from the outside and was not aware of what transpired in my marriage you would be shocked that I am so weak. Outwardly I look put together, professional and confident. It's all a sham. This affair tore me down and I am still struggling to rise from the ashes. The picture I had of my life before the affair was of a strong marriage, healthy family and two successful doctors who were about to start the next step in life. Finally we would live under one roof and soak up the joy of family time without the stress of extreme commuting. But that has been blown to smithereens and I am unsure if our marriage has a future, I still don't see him showing remorse. I am sad today.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Just wanted to tell you that there are two other posters who are in piecing as well: bluwave and cherry. They're also posting in newcomers. Thought you may want to drop by their threads as well.
I'm up to page 3 and don't think I have seen them posting to you or you to them. Would love to read on but my meds are kicking in and I need to sleep.
(((Sara)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
P.s. I was scanning your last post and your 'rising from the ashes' comment caught my eye. This was what was running through my head the whole day today, especially after my visit to C. I was even looking for a poem on this theme.
Sorry for the hijack.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD, I've been lurking in BluWave's thread and find it inspiring, she is an amazing person.
I am thinking of texting H that I need a few weeks of NC with him. This morning he called as he got inside his work (I could hear background sounds) and yet the locator showed he was elsewhere. It shows the same location as yesterday but I heard hospital sounds so I know he's not lying. I think I need NC (maybe keep it to texts only for kid's needs) to properly detach. But is this appropriate right now? I don't consider us "piecing" yet because he still hasn't shown remorse, shown any real caring about me, hasn't re-engaged to fix our R. So right now I should just focus 100% on me and the kids and I think I need to not talk to him for a while to accomplish that. What do fellow DB'ers say? Is going completely dark a bad idea right now?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I highly recommend them as they can give you individualized plans based on the details you share. They have worked with many clients over the years and have a vast knowledge of DB.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I have a DB coach, I've had 4 sessions so far. He's guided me on lovingly detaching and working on myself. His main mantra is, "Is this getting me closer to my goal." My goal is to heal myself and possibly save my marriage. I am not sure if this withdrawal will help or hurt in my case. It's definitely not pursuing, which was my main problem after the Affair got revealed and the after disaster that followed.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I decided to sit on my hands for a bit and calm down. I decided to stay the course and continue to DB with self-focus and work on healing myself. Interestingly enough H texted me a few minutes ago letting me know he was going home early and he would call in a bit. Back when I was fighting for our marriage (in all the wrong ways) I was demanding a daily itinerary of his whereabouts and timed phone calls. He bucked against this and was incredibly defensive. So...maybe this is a good sign? Of course I will continue to watch is actions and not pay attention to his words.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I'm feeling a little despondent today. I had an individual counseling session (she was out previous MC before H stopped going) and she felt I am basically waiting too long for crumbs. I had written a letter to H a few months ago telling him I needed a BIG sign from him that he would help save this marriage, like quitting his job and moving back home. So far...he's halfheartedly turned in his CV to the area I am moving and not really done much else. She feels if I am going to move forward without him in my life that I need to tell him now. That way he will either decide to leave completely and I can know or he can decide to jump back in with both feet.
Right now H is keeping one foot in his work state and one foot with the family. In the meantime I am in this weird limbo, both trying to plan finances as if I am single and then wondering if I should plan as if I am married. Do I approach H and gently tell him I need some...incentive to continue...waiting? Does H want to be married or does he just not want to deal with the fallout and questions that a divorce would lead to? He is the ultimate avoider and will lock himself away inside his own head rather than face consequences.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Right now H is keeping one foot in his work state and one foot with the family. In the meantime I am in this weird limbo, both trying to plan finances as if I am single and then wondering if I should plan as if I am married. Do I approach H and gently tell him I need some...incentive to continue...waiting? Does H want to be married or does he just not want to deal with the fallout and questions that a divorce would lead to? He is the ultimate avoider and will lock himself away inside his own head rather than face consequences.
Sara, it breaks my heart to read your situation. You are putting in such an effort, and yet his behavior is pretty bad. I want to encourage you to keep working on detaching. You are on his roller coaster as well as yours and that has got to be exhausting.
I may not be the best source for sharing advice in response to your questions, but I would encourage you to take the time you have been provided, build yourself up, heal those emotional wounds, detach, detach, detach, and then you will be in the solid position to make the decision that is best for you and your family. Basically he will not be able to avoid you nor whatever decision you make. This is where you will take back the power that you feel so lost without right now. When you are in that place you will know it. Your confidence will be overflowing. You will be the person only a fool would leave.
Focus on you.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I really do need to be better at detaching, I don't know why I am clinging to his actions/words/behaviors so tightly. I have always been a very determined person, it's what pushed me to get through undergrad, finish med school and survive residency. I am the only person in my immediate family that has a degree higher than high school, even a HS degree is a big deal in my family.
So here I am, sitting amidst the smoking ruins of my marriage, feeling intensely frustrated at my H's lackadaisical and seemingly apathetic reaction towards the damage he has done. We, his family, is the prize. It's like he's being offered a million dollars and all he has to do is repair what he broke. And he's sitting there scratching his chin and going, "Hmmmm I don't know, give me a year to think about it." His children and wife are worth more than a million dollars and he chooses to live the bachelor life 3 weeks out of 4 instead. I read one of his emails recently where he is switching weeks with another doctor...in September. So while he is slowly turning his CV into the recruiters where I will be living and saying he is trying to relocate, he is also making plans as if he will still be working out of state...one year after the affair and he's still planning to be there.
He said he would do ANYTHING to prevent divorce because he knows I would go for full custody of the kids. I don't feel I should get only 50% of my children's childhood because he had an affair. So if divorce comes into the picture he will lose everything; his reputation, his children's daily life, his extremely patient wife, and a large chunk of his income. Is he stupid? Or just doesn't care about the people he's hurting by his passivity to fix what he broke? Grrraaaaahhhhh!!! I could spit nails!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
