continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[roist]

LAN s should read lines!!

[ciluzen]

I understand the wanting to let the sadness roll over you. Its not depression brought on by chemical imbalance. Its "situational depression" brought on by the circumstances of being left and rejected. Be sad. Its ok to. It will ease up at some point, when you're ready. For now, let those waves roll over you. And past.

I, too, have trouble making friends, pushing past the "she's a nice person" impression. I don't always like what other women like, and sometimes have interests that are out of the norm for my meetup groups. I wish I could go hiking with you; I backpacked all over the Sierras and most of SoCal, some of WA and ID. I, too, tend to talk plants, animals and rock formations and watch people's eyes glaze over.

You'll meet people. They will help. Just keep an open mind...friends appear in unlikely places. You'll be happy again someday. Just use your time to think about life and what you like about it.

[LandC]

Hi Phoebe,
Ask your GP about gabapentin.
It's a wonder drug - off label use for sleep.
Works wonders for me and also seems to have a mild anti-depressant quality for me and many people.
Of course depends on your health situation / other meds etc.
but worth a try.
Most actual sleep meds are bad for getting addicted and have awful withdrawal.
If I don't sleep it all goes to hell very fast as then have no emotional control.
Hear you about the roller coaster - sounds like we were having bad days at the same time.
Where have you hiked in Idaho?
I'm from KEtchum/Sun Valley and grew up hiking and backpacking in the Sawtooths.
Thinking of going to Idaho for part of the summer - my whole family is there.
Good luck with new hiking buddy.
Thinking of you.

[Phoebe]

Good morning to everyone, and especially SuperHeroSH! Good news! I'm feeling better this morning.

Thank you for the reassurances, roist. I really appreciate your chiming in. I only know how to be me, so I'll probably stick to that option. I'm glad I can still do that here, too.

Now I have more research to do, and I will definitely do it. I'm keepin a running list next to my keyboard of all the subjects and people I need too check out. Looks like I have a whole evening's worth of self-improvement options, so that's a very good thing.

After I go to my therapist, and my GP , and go for a hike today - WITH another human being, actually (the one who wouldn't hike with me after looking at my hiking journals changed her mind, so we shall see if she can be friends), then I will come home and hit the 'net.

I hope that everyone has a good day and I intend to stay in my happy groove today, too.

Pencil smiles and good chocolate thoughts.

[Phoebe]

Ciluzen, you sound like a long lost member of my tribe!!! I've hiked the PCT, and the southern portion of the CDT, as well as the AT. I know that glazed look you mention only too well. You know that when you tell someone you hiked for 6 months, and they ask you where you parked your car... well, you're just on different wavelengths.

Thank you for reminding me that there really are people out there who do enjoy similar things.

Sorry that I somehow missed so many posts earlier.

Painter you have been in my thoughts often. Thank you for checking in on me. Maybe it really is the full moon and some attendant lunacy! I did see an article about Tylenol leading to decreased empathy. I didn't see about it decreasing psychological pain in the person actually taking it, though. Excellent info to know. I'll check in on you on your thread very soon.

LandC, thank you for the info on gabapentin. I see my GP in a few minutes, so I'll talk to her about it. I haven't hiked in the places you mentioned, but I hope to eventually. I want to finish the CDT, so there's plenty of trail in Idaho that is still on my bucket list. I've heard wonderful things about it and really look forward to it.

Off to see the second doc of the day.

Thank you again for the thoughts and kindness, everyonr. It really means a lot to me to know that you're here.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

I fear that my message and goal for my post to you did not convey the message that I had hoped. Please forgive me as my mind has not quite been in a place that I am familiar with and my thoughts are not being conveyed as I hope for.

For this I have taken the day after reading your response this morning to try and gather my thoughts into a manner that I can better express to you my hope for healing.

First I want to express that my desire to assist you comes from a genuine place. I truly feel a connection to you as you have been there from the early part of my journey. I say this as I have never been on a forum or social media because it was just not my thing. But the connection has been real for me, and the friendship that I feel with you is also genuine.
And I believe that I feel this because you are not pretending to be anything other than who you are. Honesty is the key for me to friendship and caring for another person.

Now my challenge to you may come from the "fixer" in me, and so I want to put it out there, that the challenge is not to say you are doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. It is because I see potential in you, and an opportunity to become stronger both physically and emotionally through positive efforts for healing.

Now before you read any further, please look up and watch the TedTalk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid.

SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.

The talks are awesome and I think you will find value in them.
You are trying very hard, and my hope is not the you try harder, only that you may be able to tweak an approach that you may find comfort and strength from.

I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.

There will be times that you are going to be sad. And I know that you will be okay. This I know. My goal is to share some ideas that will get you through it each day. We do have control, it just takes different efforts and a desire to do so. It is not always easy, but sadness is an emotion that we can work through. Meditation is key teaching for this. We must recognize the sadness, but we also should pass it through and then place our focus on positive things. This is key to meditation.

I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out.

Journaling is perfect, and I did not mean to imply that you should not. It is a good way to provide ones self with emotional first aid. And as you say, it is sorting things out. I also did not mean to imply that it is negative self talk.
As indicated in the TedTalk, Rumination is unhealthy for our emotional well being because it can easily become a habit. A costly one. Physically and emotionally. If we are not careful, and replace it with positive self talk.

My hope for my message is that sometimes when we sort through our thoughts we stop at the thoughts that are about the reasons we are down, sad or lacking self confidence. We miss the opportunity to follow it up with thoughts of a positive nature, or positive self affirmations of what we know we are, or can become. Keep journaling, keep sorting things out, the challenge is to finish the journaling and sorting with the positive programing and affirmations. Our minds and hearts will grab on to those things and we can push forward with strength and healing.

I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.

Phoebe, you are not pretending to be brave. You are truly being brave every day, both in front of the people you see each day as well as here on this form. I know it may be your tendency to try and not make people feel uncomfortable around you, I know this feeling, but I encourage you to be you. I think people are more real when online than in person, because that feeling seems less for whatever reason.
My point is, that I would love to meet you in person, and I would want you to be exactly as you have portrayed yourself in these forums as I believe this is you being you. I know others would say the same. So if you have so many supporters here, why would you not want to be that same way in person? It is who you are. Be you. You are beautiful just the way you are, emotional scars and all.

I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.

As you watch the TedTalk, I think you will know my response to this. (hint, its the part with the lady that was divorced and went on the date, then called her "friend".

So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.

I would only ask that you don't have to feel the need to "act" at all. Just be you. Believe in you. Practice emotional first aid. Your physical health will return. Your emotional health with heal.
The real and confident You underneath all of the pain, is truly a wonderful and amazing person, and there are people out there that deserve to know you, emotional scars and all.

I hope that this does not come across as a 2X4 because it is not. It is my desire to share with you some valuable information and thoughts for healing. You have come a long way, and you have a long way to go. As discussed in the talk, we focus a lot on physical healing. Medication, doctor visits etc, but we miss the opportunity to provide emotional first aid. And when we do, no amount of meds are going to help us physically long term. Okay, so I digress due to my personal views on medications, but I do feel strongly that emotional healing is a need for many on these forums so that we can push forward.

I love ya Phoebe, I value your support, your advice, and I love your fighting spirit.
God has a plan for both of us, and as we push forward, we will both find happiness no matter what it looks like.

[Phoebe]

Well, I had a good day! (Yeah!!!!!)

I saw my therapist and for some reason I felt incredibly awkward talking to him today. Maybe we're getting closer to the harder subjects? The I saw my GP, and she doubled my SSRI dose and gave me a higher dose of hydroxyzine for sleep. We'll see how it goes.

I went for a walk with the woman who hit on me, and she understands that I am not interested. She even suggested setting me up with her male dentist! Um... nope. I'm not interested in dating in any way shape or form right now - still married, still in limbo, still in... whatever state I'm in! She laughed and said she thinks sex would be good for me! Kind of funny, and I'll take it in the spirit it was intended - she wants me to feel better, just like everyone else. Anyway, I had fun talking and walking, so that was good. I'd be totally comfortable walking with her again.

I lost another of my chicks today, actually just a few minutes ago, so that was a bit of a bummer. She looked off this morning, so I wasn't that surprised. Still, it kind of svcks to lose two chicks within the first five days. Last year I didn't lose any. Chicks are delicate little things, I know, but I hope that's the end of the dying. I've done everything I can at this point. Their water has probiotics, electrolytes, and a medication to treat the protozoa that is almost certainly the cause of the two deaths. Nothing left to do but watch and wait.

So now I'm off to look up all the good things that everyone suggested I research. Some TED talks, and some specific experts.

I hope that it's a good night for everybody, with some high quality sleep.

[Phoebe]

Oops, SadHub. I think we were typing at the same time. I'm going back to read your post this moment. I was actually just on my way to your thread. Back in a few!

[Painter]

Aww, I'm so sorry for the chicks.

Therapy appointments can be hit or miss sometimes. Maybe something you didn't feel like talking about.

I'm glad you had such a great walk and that this woman sounds like she'll be a comfortable and fun friend.

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. Thank you for all that you wrote. I value your support and help a great deal, and I feel a connection, too. I'm glad we both ended up here around the same time so that we could be here for each other.

I watched the Guy Winch talk you suggested (at the point you suggested, too, so you know I followed directions. Maybe it was the red type?? I'm laughing right now, just so you know!!!) I liked that talk very much, and I immediately knew who the woman on her first date "called." I've had chats with my own so-called phone friend.

I'm quite familiar with my alter ego - the evil anti-Phoebe. I try to keep her quiet, but sometimes she's a bit rowdy, and as you so rightly pointed out, she has been a bit loud lately. Maybe I should hit her with a 2x4?

Speaking of which, I didn't register anything you just wrote as a 2x4, by the way, SH. It was very gentle, and I really appreciate what is behind each word.

Take my word for it, if you met me in person, I'd be just as quirky as I am here after a little while, and I mean that in a good way. I like my quirkiness quite a bit, actually. The more comfortable I am with a person, the quirkier and sillier they will find me. And now that I write that, I think that is part of the reason I struggle so much with new people. I'm uncomfortable letting too much of myself show. Part of that is a lack of trust, part of it is simple shyness, and part of it is doubting myself.

And that is why writing here helps me sort things out. It took me 45 years to realize that I am awkward around new people because I don't feel comfortable showing them the real me. I am acting like someone that they will think is normal/typical, basically acting like someone else, and that feels strange and uncomfortable. So maybe it takes me a few decades, but I get there eventually.

I'm not saying that I'm now going to be willing to act silly around total strangers, but it does help to have realized something important about myself.

Anyway, enough of me. Thank you again, SH, for your caring and coaching and for liking me the way I am, scars and all. I hope you have a wonderful night, and know that I am very grateful for all the kindness you have shown me.

Chocolate and pencil smiles and bird-call meditations.