have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[tkdmme]

Just an update.

I have developed a dangerous lifestyle in the wake of our separation. My drinking is out of control. I have got to get a grip on myself before I do something stupid.
Im still so hurt and im drinking to help me cope. It's not working. It only makes things worse. The depression is killing me. I miss my children constantly. The only time im not drinking is when they are with me.
I don't no how im going to make it through this.

[SH_]

Tk,

I have not read you story yet, but I wanted to share my support and encouragement.

My heart breaks to see that drinking has become a habit and you are trapped by it. This can not help your situation and I see that you have been on anti anxiety meds. This is not a good combination.

Please seek help for this. The healing process will be slowed for you and your kids need their father. They need a father that is healing from the pain, not numbing it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I do hope you can find peace through other means. For yourself. For your family.

My prayers are with you and my support is with you and your family.

[tkdmme]

Thanks for the reply and your prayers are appreciated. My situation has been going on for what seems like forever. I tried and tried to keep my family together and now the realization that she is not coming back has finally hit me.

And yes the meds with the drinking is a bad combo. I don't know why I continue this behavior. Im just lost. I don't know who I am anymore.

[SH_]

You are a father.
Let's start there. Build on that. Focus on that. Become the best father you can be by knowing that is who you are.

The rest will come.

My journey has been a bit shorter than yours and I anticipate many more downturns while on it, but I know that focusing on me being a father has pulled me from the depths of he// on many occasions in my journey.

So please start there. Then seek out assistance today. AA. Friends and family. An IC. And whatever other means of assistance you can think of.

But please, start today with a concentrated effort to pull out of it.
I am concerned for you. I want to support you. I will be here to hear you and speak to you.

Do this for your children. Do it for me a complete stranger, that will become a friend of yours over this forum. And most importantly, do it for yourself.

[tkdmme]

Again, thank you so much.

This site helped me through a lot of dark times. but when I saw that none of the things I learned here were going to bring her back, I stopped posting.

I feel for you and hope that your journey will go better than mine has. You sound so positive. How are you able cope so well?

[SH_]

Tk,

For me first it was the realization that Dbing and the advice on this site was for me first and not to bring my WAW back. This is key.

You must focus on you first. Then as you do that you will become the person only a fool would leave.

If the fool leaves then you are still that person, but now in a place to be okay with the fool leaving.

I have added to this the thought that if the fool leaves, I will also be the person that will attract the person/people that I deserve to have relationships with.

But first, I want to be the father my daughters deserve. Again, start there.
Baby steps.

You can do this my friend.
Check my thread and maybe you can see the progress I have made, as well as know that I have been in the depths of he//. So you can see it is possible to get out.

[MoveFrwd]

when I saw that none of the things I learned here were going to bring her back, I stopped posting.

Please dont stop posting. Its an incredible outlet and idea board to help keep you focused. Even if it doesnt bring your wife back, it helps with the transition. It keeps you from doing things that equate to punching yourself in the face.

Regardless of whether you continue posting, I hope that you seek help locally. Admitting your troubles with alcohol is the first step. Your life is so much more important than your marriage. What kind of legacy will you leave for your children? Focus on being the best dad to them and for them, even if they arent always around.

[tkdmme]

I am going to start posting again and since I joined it has helped me a lot.

In reading about the effects of D, I have seen that it isn't out of the ordinary for a man to turn to drinking. However, I feel so ashamed for my recent behavior. I have a burning desire to better myself and I was well on my way at one point but something changed. I went from focusing on myself and my children to trying to find another woman to make me feel better. I play piano but for years during my marriage I stopped performing. I have picked it back up and I think it is a mistake. It is extra income but the booze and women are taking a toll on my soul. I know there is a good person in me somewhere but I cant seem to find him.

I have been having suicidal thoughts again. I could never do that to my children but I think of it every night. Its hard to admit but I am terrified of what will become of my life. My whole world was being a husband and father and now im just lost.

I know I sound like a whiny child so im going to shut up.

[SH_]

tk recognition is the first step. Desire to change is the second step.

You have taken 2 baby steps , so now take another.

One step at a time.

You can do this.

You can change and become the man that you want to be.

Focus on the moment.
Looking to the past creates depression.
Looking to the future creates anxiety.
Living in the moment can give us the needed tools to move forward one step at a time.

You have support here and I will keep checking on you and provide accountability.
I want you to reach out for support for the dark thoughts you are having. You need that now. Those thoughts and the drinking are not a good mix. Please tell me that you will seek immediate assistance for this. Please tell me in your next post that you will, and then tell me in a post this evening that you did so.
Please for your children. For me. For you do this TODAY.

What will you do today to take the next step?

[doodler]

tkdmme,

If you're having suicidal thoughts then you need to see a doctor ASAP.