W comes to pick up the kids today. We had a great weekend and my D has developed an unhealthy obsession with cinnamon pretzels! She was late picking them up, but I noticed she gave me a 'once over' while I was getting the kids shoes on.
As I was saying bye to the kids, I said 'see you Tuesday' when my W said 'maybe'. A conversation started about how W felt it was such a long drive to bring the kids over. As I don't own a car and the bus trip involves a change of service and takes an hour each way, I invoked the 'it's not my fault you chose to live so far away' line and she went all nasty. It could be coincidence that her Mum and Sister were up this weekend that has turned her like this, or it could just be another stage of the WAW/WW stubbornness. So it got me thinking, what sanctions do I have if she tries not to bring the kids over?
Here in the UK, the rule is 50/50 custody unless there is an instance of abuse. I could go to court and get a formal agreement. That'll cost money which I haven't got, so, that's probably a no go. So, my alternative is to deduct money from the cheque I give her every month for maintenance. OK, she'll get incredibly pissed, but what other sanction do I have?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yup. In XW's last 3 communications with me she has mentioned two items each time: 1) that it's hard on the kids to go back and forth so much and if there are ways we can reduce that it would be good for them (50% custody starts 6/9), 2) that she could handle them more in the summer if I need help, she's happy to do that.
In other words, yeah I've got 50% starting, but if I don't want to enforce that it's ok with her. And of course I'm inconveniencing the kids if I 'make them go back and forth'.
I don't respond to any of this. I just reply to what demands a reply and keep moving. But of course I feel absolutely zero sympathy for her as she unanimously made the choice to break up the family, and the fact is that adjusting to a broken home and mom's new boyfriend that was sleeping over before she was D when they didn't know his name is a lot more troubling to them than seeing their damn dad.
I used to be angry, but it is so over the top it is almost funny. It's like watching a horror movie that would be scary, only the characters are doing such stupid things you can't even suspend your disbelief and it goes from scary to funny. "Jim, the killer is out there somewhere, let's leave the house and go find him, we should split up and head off in separate directions into the woods..."
WAS's are so selfish-spewy-illogical-nasty that it goes from being upsetting to being absurd. These days I just eye-roll to myself, thank the lord above I am single, and play some online chess. Nothing like the Grand Prix attack in bullet to burn the opponents clock down...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Huddy, I would merely say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' when she says stuff like that. Then maybe go on to mention plans you have on Tuesday with them.
When you start on the 'well you decided to live so far away' theme, I think it sounds a little blamey and would probably get things onto the back foot. Whereas validation is more neutral. If she ever says I'm not bringing them, I would calmly confirm its your day with them and make your own arrangements to go collect them. Why does she have the car and you don't?
Hope you have a good day Huddy! X
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I live on top of a train station so I have no need for a car. Anywhere else I need to go can be done by bus or walking. The car was in her name (bought new in August 2013), so when she left, although she wanted me to take it ('I can't afford it' - says W) I declined and left her with it. She needs it for the small amount of hairdressing she still does. How much of this is just because her Sister/Mother have been up I don't know.
Is this a form of temp check? I still dislike my kids being used as pawns in her games.
Been to the gym today - up to 6 times per week. It's a kind of therapy for me. I can argue in my head with her, whilst sweating like a Scarborough Donkey doing my cardio and weights, and nobody knows about it!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy. W is looking for a reaction and she got one. As Sotto says , a simple validation lets her know you hear her and that's it Anything other is not going to help you detach or W move past her negative feelings.
The gym sounds great and can only be good physically and mentally
Hi Huddy. W is looking for a reaction and she got one. As Sotto says , a simple validation lets her know you hear her and that's it Anything other is not going to help you detach or W move past her negative feelings.
The gym sounds great and can only be good physically and mentally
She's trying to use the kids as a stick to beat me. I have no idea why. I have to send some kind of message that this isn't tolerable. The only sanction I have is money. I know it sounds petty, but as she isn't listening, I have to show some kind of authority.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy , IMHO until she refuses to bring you the children I would hold back on doing anything It may just be W attempting to get a reaction out of you
You have to live it mate and it's very easy for me to have my opinion from afar.
I just keep thinking of your life compared to yours and I can see how she would have some resentment as she's the one that left but you appear to be accepting and moving forward with your life
