you may not get very much out of my story. i didnt join this group until recently. ive been separated for almost a year and a half. and i made the biggest mistakes before joining here. if there is a a way to pm me on here feel free to do so.
I wish there was a way. I read you situation to date. Looks like you've got a lot transpiring quickly. Man a year and a half!!! I hope I can stay the course. I'll take any advice you got, and will stay up to date on your journey. Good luck.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
i can only guess, that you are in the situation i was in when i was separated for 6 months or so. when i was there, i wanted her back. i would have done pretty much anything to get her back. i was nice to her in every way. accommodating, friendly etc. basically a push over. im not saying that you are, thats just how i was.
she could see it, taste it, smell it. and she would feed me crumbs just to keep me around.
i wanted to detach from her, but i just couldnt do it. every crumb she gave me, i came running back in false hope. she was playing me big time, even though she swore she wasnt.
i eventually got tired of it,distanced myself a little bit and i went to a lawyer and told her that i did so. and BANG! her tune changed immediately. all of a sudden she wanted to get back together. but as i later found out, it was out of fear of losing me. we spent the next several months back and forth dating and distance. i was still kissing her butt all the time. and we failed miserably.
then i joined this group, started using the forums. reading sandis rules, got a coach, bought both books. but the big this was that i was ready. you have to be ready. ready to leave for real. ready to throw it all away. ready to move on. the switch in my brain clicked over.
when that happened, the game changed totally. i stopped counting hours or days of NC with her. i scoffed when she texted me and didnt want to be bothered by her.
until you get there, you guys will play this game for ever.
now the game has changed, im not out of the water yet. and i still have times of weakness. but it is sooooo much better for my mind body and soul. and it seems to be working.
time is on your side brother. look at it this way. last november you started a 2 year clock of hell. sink or swim, its your choice.
What exactly is the 2 year clock? I live in no fault state. Do not have to be separated to start divorce. I would be interested in hearing about the EA of your wife and your dating during it. I personally think dating on my part is going to muddy the waters. It has crossed my mine, and actually have a girl that is perusing me. But I truly think her only real service would pertain to my ego. When my wife was here she held on to here phone like gold. There was not any money unaccounted for and she was always home right after work. If anything physical was happening it would have had to been during work hours; which is a possibility.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Wow - Thanks Sandi, these are things I actually need to hear. I'm going to look into the reading materials you suggested. One last question. My wife this whole time has been hanging out exclusively it seems with a girlfriend that is also wanting to divorce her husband. I feel like they are somewhat feeding off eachother emotionally. Any suggestions.
This was a quote from back in February. Well guess who just left her husband and got a apartment right down the street from my wife. You guessed it, my wife's bestie. Any thoughts on how this will effect my situation. My friend thinks it the best thing that could happen. He thinks they will end up sabatoging each other's fairy tell. Any thoughts?
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I do believe some women feed off the emotions of another woman (friend, mother, sister, etc.). Unfortunately, I don't have an answer as to what you can do about it. To try and convince her the friend is influencing her would probably be shooting yourself in the foot, b/c your W would defend her friend and accuse you of controlling/jealousy behavior. If she has any maturity at all, she will eventually realize what goes for her friend is not necessarily what goes for her. Albeit, may be after she sees the mess her friend makes of her own life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Trust me, I'm way past giving here any advice!! I'm fully aware that gets me nowhere. I am the enemy in her mind. Only plan on trying to validate if she wants to speak. I'm mr NIC (No initiating contact) from here on out. Thanks Sandi
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
You don't need to answer every time she contacts you. Only important things regarding your kids. Otherwise, just ignore her. You may want to change up the schedule with the kids so you have fewer encounters with her. It looks like you have to see her about everyday swapping with the kids. That seems like too much to me.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
ok you asked about dating while separated. i can honestly say, that my own personal experience, was the absolute worst decision ive ever made. i dated while separated the first time. and i regret ever second of it. you wanna talk about muddy waters.....
looking back. i was at rock bottom and thats the only people who will date you. others at rock bottom. no self respecting person will date you. yes, they seem to have their stuff together. yes they are cute and pay attention to you. but they are screwed up. if you are not free to marry someone else, then you are not free to date someone else.
i lost the respect from my family, i lost friends over it, and in the long run, it didnt work out. so in that process, i screwed up another human being, and her children.
this ended 9 months ago, and its still an issue.
and let me say this also, and this is the biggest part. if you think you mind is screwed up now.....when i was dating the new chick, my mind was going 2 different direction at once. it was a constant comparison. it was HELL. i almost had a nervous breakdown on several occasions.
for the love of God, dont do it.
and the 2 year thing. what i meant was, your life is going to be screwed up for 2 years no matter what. win lose or draw. its going to take that long to be "normal" again no matter what happens.
