Destruction - 1

[EDF]

I'll admit I also have been tempted to try and interfere with WW's plans sometimes, when they don't include me. However, I think ultimately some things may just have to play themselves out before we could have any real chance at reconciliation. Even if I could perfectly/anonymously screw with her plans, would that actually be helping, or would it just be prolonging her time in the fantasy world?

[Coconut]

Speeder, so sorry to hear about your sitch.. Be strong for you and your kids, they need you to be level headed and be their rock.

As for the woman you met hiking, you didn't say if you had been talking to her, but be careful, it's ok to have someone to talk to, but if you find your falling for her, back off... That would bring more turmoil to your kids than they need and rebounds aren't healthy for you...

[dream]

There's nothing you can do to stop her from filing for divorce. However, some states have a mandatory waiting period for those who have children. I don't know if Indiana is one of those states. That said, I don't think you should worry about the divorce process right now. That's in her hands, if she chooses to file, write up and agreement, and get the process started.

Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you've met some great new people to hang out with. I'd be careful of getting too close with the females... but definitely do some male bonding!

[speeder]

Tonight was a good night because I didn't see her other than passing her car. Some simple text exchanges. Made living much more enjoyable with S16 & S14 and no stress. I went for a 3 mile hike and watched a fave show. Texted with BF a lot earlier today and she says other H is very determined to be with my W more however she had a good Sunday with him and he seemed pleasant to her. Just trying to live for me and sons and act like W is dead.

[speeder]

just be prolonging her time in the fantasy world?

I can see that. The fact she's had even subdued feelings for other H for over 10 years makes me want the affair to end on her own realization that he isn't anything special, rather than being denied her ever finding out for herself.

the woman you met hiking, you didn't say if you had been talking to her, but be careful, it's ok to have someone to talk to, but if you find your falling for her, back off.

I've not reached out to her since. Tempted because I enjoyed talking but right now I'm centrally focussed.

some states have a mandatory waiting period for those who have children. I don't think you should worry about the divorce process right now.

IN has just a month wait I believe and then 60-90 days, but in IL, where the BF and other H has a six month delay and then the process could take a year. Trying to not worry about what I can't control. I don't ever mention it and try to live civil when I see her.

I am considering writing 'the apology' letter. Maybe it's too soon?

Thanks for comments EDF, Coconut and dream!

[Coconut]

I have two issues I need some quick answers on.

My full story is here here. The first two posts explain my situation.

My W and I are verbally separated. Her belongings are still in the house and she comes over daily (mornings after I've left to dress and evenings to see kids and do things in her office), but she leaves evenings to sleep at her brothers. Tomorrow she is taking S16 for his drivers test. I indicated Sunday, I will add him to insurance and remove her to keep the cost down. She had a few days earlier decided to remove me from her cell phone coverage (has not done so yet). She complained that she should be left on the policy as I am getting (to live in) the house (she would expect $ when it was sold but we just bought it 5 mos. ago so that's years away). Do I keep to my word and drop her but give a friendly reminder so she has time to get insurance? Wait 'til she drop me from phone coverage?

Next week, my nephew graduates from HS, and relatives are flying in to stay at W's brothers home thus displacing the bed shes been in the last 5 weeks. Since separated three times shes fanagled a way fro me to take the couch while she took our bed. (which I am paying $100 a month for). Earlier this week. I removed her pillow from it and she 'countered' by removing pictures from the walls and her bathroom items from the master. I am fully prepared to say I am sleeping in the bed. What else is a good thing to say?

Speeder, I don't have any experience to rely on when I answer this, my sitch never got to a physical separation, but I would think that a conversation needs to take place regarding the house and her coming to it. She left the family and moved out, I think clear boundaries need to be made about her visiting / staying over. I certainly would not move out of the MBR so she could stay there, and I don't even know how to answer the question about the insurance.

What would make you happiest, having your own cell phone acct., insurance, etc. or continue sharing these ties? I can tell you that when I was considering moving out, I planned on separating all my stuff so I could do it all at my pace, but that was what I thought I would want. You don't owe her anything, do what makes you happiest and let her figure out how she's going to deal with what you decide.

[speeder]

I am prepared to drop a seven paragraph letter I wrote titled "Why I am separated" on facebook as still no one other than my best friend knows what's going on. I do realize it would only make W more disgusted with me as it reveals all her sins (and mine, as I do take credit for being emotionally unavailable to her). I look at my motivation and it's really just to hurt and lash out from my pain. So hard to not do it.

I'm trying to see MY strength as the ability to resist attacking and making her look bad. I am strong thus I will not create waves between us. It's hard to hold it in when the pain is so great and she proceeds 'seemingly' happy to be ending us. I know that is far from the truth as she is in agony, scared and depressed. She's down 33 lbs and we laughed how no one notices. I said people are not very observant. The good W is still in there somewhere held captive.

I go back and forth between wanting to be civil and wanting to never see her again. She seems pretty steadfast in wanting to be friends. Her emotions are much more mature than mine. And yes LP her complaints are valid. I can see her viewpoint. I do realize she's unloading to alleviate her guilt and pain. I do wonder sometimes if its to make me understand so WE can move forward?

Evenings are like a test that I need to prep for daily. If I'm off reading the wrong course (such as D laws instead of detaching) I struggle in the nights test. I need to stay focused. She is a very smart woman and I do hope she realizes to keep me as her plan B before forsaking us for an unsure plan A.

BF insisted I reach out to other Hs sister, whom he is staying with. She is a powerhouse of a woman and best bet for getting OM to stop. I do realize even with other H gone, my Ws complaints are enough to D.

Wondering, W has no money and is getting free advice on the numbers so she doesn;t get screwed (although I never indicated such). It has always been her intention for us to do this jointly without legals. If I receive any papers I will absolutely proceed to a lawyer for advice.

Saturday, en route to the movies with kids, while W works her outdoor jewelry show, I intend to drop in for a minute and give her a hand written apology letter. I did so in 2010 and felt it was a necessary step in our forward development. My hesitation then and now has always been it could be used against me. I'm willing to take the risk again. I've seen several places say its a crucial step.

[MoveFrwd]

I am prepared to drop a seven paragraph letter I wrote titled "Why I am separated" on facebook as still no one other than my best friend knows what's going on.

Post it here instead.

There is NO reason to post it to Facebook. Not a single one.

[EDF]

In the same post, you're talking about both:
A) Exposing Wife's misdeeds on facebook for all to see, in order to hurt her.
B) Giving wife a heartfelt letter of apology, in the hopes it will pave the way towards reconciliation.

There's obviously a lot of inherent tension in those two options, and by "tension" I mean "WTF?!" But honestly, I get it. I think those competing goals of wanting to make WW feel the pain they made us feel, and wanting to just find a way past the pain together, are very natural and expected. I've been there, and still get tempted from time to time to act out.

So I understand the compulsions there, but really either of those would likely be a bad idea at this point.

There are definitely different sources that take different stances on exposure, and whether and how to go about it, but you have to be careful about moving quickly between different game plans. Not all sources will be compatible with each other, and mixing it up willy nilly may not take you closer to your goals.

Regarding the letter of apology, I would propose a different possibility to consider. One thing my phone coach had me do was to put myself in my wife's shoes and try to imagine how she thinks I see her, and what I did that was most painful to her. Once I identified the biggies, then she suggested I keep an eye out for either of those to be brought up by my wife, and take the opportunity to validate/empathize.

She had me write an apology letter to help me crystalize my thoughts, but it was very much for me only. WW is not going to be interested in a long canned apology and bearing of feelings, no matter how sincere it may be from your end.

In my case, one of the painful things I had done was to make my wife feel lonely by putting computer-time first, and often be dinking around on my phone/tablet even when we were hanging out together.

It took a while, but at one point when we were together at an event and I was being particularly "present" (chatting with people, active listening, etc) she brought it up later that night how different it was to feel like she wasn't the only one having to drive conversation for once. I responded with my validation/empathizing and integrated a thought or two from my apology letter, voicing how painful it must have been for her to feel alone even when we were in the same room together because I was spacing out, or on my electronics.

It was similar content as from my letter, but keeping it very brief and delivering it in the context of validating her comments... I could tell it really resonated with her. She said she felt "for the first time like I really got it." If I had just nailed her with the apology out of the blue, or given her a formal letter bearing my heart, it would have probably been dismissed out of hand.

No idea where my situation will ultimately end up, but for what it's worth I would strongly suggest you stay away from any letter-based dramatics of any sort.

[Sotto]

No to the FB letter! If in doubt, re-read the DBing rules and follow them to a tee, or post here first and follow the advice. I know it's tempting to get it all out there, but it will not help your cause one bit believe me.

My XH shows no signs of wanting to R - we are D now. And I believe the door is pretty much closed at my end too. However, if he did want to R, it becomes far easier for us to do that if few people know about everything. For the WAS - facing the friends and family of the one they walked away from/betrayed is one of the hardest things.

Writing and journaling can be useful at times like these, but always keep them private - or burn them - whatever helps you most.