See, that's where my struggle lies. The gym / volleyball had become my refuge. Now with my stupid knee I'm having to figure other things out, and haven't been able to find much.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Well, she has been hounding me to 'sign papers' for the past few days now. She hasn't actually presented me with any papers, she wants me to have my lawyer draw them up, which I am in the process of doing. I'm just not sure if I should take that step or force her to.
Thoughts?
So I'm confused. It looks like your W filed back in Dec 15. And you both have lawyers. So exactly what stage is your divorce in? You don't just go to a lawyer, tell them to draw up some papers, and here sign this, boom, you're divorced.
You have young kids, do you have an agreed upon Parenting Agreement in writing. Then you have to agree on Financials.
And since you're here, you really don't want to be divorced, so why would you have YOUR lawyer draw up anything and bill YOU the hours? She wants a divorce, she does ALL the work. Your lawyer just reviews what you send to make sure it's what you want.
Just trying to understand.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I really do! I honestly don't know how I got through that year when H was in the fog; I was anxious, scared about my future and kids, often humiliated, I was lonely, and I knew in my heart he was making a huge mistake! I just wanted him to see what he was doing and to show him he would regret it! But I couldn't and you can't either. Maybe we can give glimpses, but ultimately everyone has to learn through their own experiences. You have to let her go.
I struggled with detachment every day and I put a lot of pressure on myself to detach and just let him go! Well we all know that is easier said than done! That is why we come here--so we can encourage each other, cheer each other on, and take those 2*4s with ironclad resistance. We are like a group of addicts--instead of recovering from drugs and alcohol, we are battling to recover from people. And as any addict knows, your fellow addict is the BEST source of support. So I am here to tell you that yes, this is terribly difficult and PAINFUL, and yes, detaching takes a LONG time, but you CAN do it. You can. Perhaps you need to take the first step--take the pressure off to detach overnight and accept that you are powerless. It's okay to start with the smallest step, and for you that is to accept that right now you are powerless.
Allow yourself time; time to accept that she is gone. Time and space to feel the sadness. It is frustrating and you are powerless. Grieving takes time, but I don't think you can start the grieving process until you accept that she is gone. She may come back one day--none of us can know that now--but you have not made the first step yet. It's time to accept that your M is over.
That being said, you do not need to DO anything. These are huge life-changing decisions and there is no need for you to rush that. If this is truly what she wants right now, then yes, let her do the leg work. And yes, comply, and sign the agreements that you and L discuss. But you are not obligated to do the work for her.
If she comes at you with pressure, frustration, resentments, kindness to persuade you--whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable--remember that is HER deal, not yours. Your boundaries are for you! And right now it is okay to tell her that you need some space, you need some time, and you are not ready for D. If she would like to start that process, she will have your full cooperation. Continue to be polite and respectful, but take a GIANT step back so you can work on step one. You can't get there if you are only doing it to show her or get somewhere with her.
I am truly sorry you are here. -Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I don't have any tips for you. I think I have come at you hard enough. I just wanted you to know that I feel for you. I failed at DB all the time; it's the hardest thing. It's okay to forgive yourself and reset every day. Go easy on yourself. Even if you played all your cards right, and did so every day, it is ultimately all for you and not her. We can't do things to show others, we only can do it for ourselves.
Just take it day by day. You deserve your full attention.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
