Sotto - everything you have expressed reesonates with me (and I suspect with other divorced DBers) The reality is that most of us do not save our marriages. MLC divorces are not like other divorces - some experienced divorce lawyers recognise this.
My ex is now on this second relationship . . it really wasn't you.
The closing message is up to you: the trap that I fall into is believing that my xh has the same reactions as other people. I don't think MLCers do.
Although they have flashes of emotional lucidity and then say all sorts of nice things, by and large they are not at home to Mr Reasonable.
Although I don't post much I believe it is really important for the posters here to hear from people who are divorced and who survive. If only those who had restored their marriages returned to post, it could be terribly discouraging!
I quite know that feeling of finality that those bloody papers can make you feel. IMHO, I would wait some time to process the feelings of such devastated trauma.
You have more positives then negatives in your life, you learned to survive and got through difficult times. You got better and your best. But it all become a big snow ball mixed up with the reality of a loss, a life being robbed from you, questions without answers and a bag full of bad feelings we try so hard to avoid.
In my experience through my divorce, I think there is no other medicine then TIME... I tried to look at it in many different ways and direction and it just hurt.
At the beginning there was a feeling of losing the man I had in my life. But with time, I have this great pain of losing what I valued one day, dissipating my dreams and believes and having no power to change other person's point of view and even further their values about what is important for me.
I realized that time will make me whole again, will give me back my confidence and will eventually make me happy. Time will make my disappointments to be lesser and my pain will also be gone or be store in some far away container.
Time will let you forgive and then there will be a time to decide if you need closure or not. It is my opinion, maybe you won't agree with it, and you are the only person that really knows how much is too much, or how far can you go.
I never looked for closure because I did not forgive my XH. Because I still feel my wounds pretty much open and I know I need to give myself time to heal. Once it is all better, maybe one day out of the blue I will want that closure, or it won't be anything important anymore. I just reserve my right to avoid getting hurt again.
I hope you find peace inside yourself and can decide what would make a difference for you to keep moving forward from this.
I guess that right now it is all mixed up with compassion and resentment and in my opinion those are not the right feelings for a right mind to write any note or letter for closure.
Regarding posting, I think that Beatrice is so right. Your marriage didn't make (and we don't know tomorrow), but you made it and did it with grace and growing as stronger then you were before.
But I get it, sometimes I feel kind of stupid saying things that may work - to people that knows I couldn't do it. Well, we read the books, we did the homework and we are actually textbooks at this point in our sitches. There are several times were Michelle says that nothing she advices in the books are a guarantee that you will get your spouse back. So we are basically the book that came alive. We do our best, become our best, but we can't control the outcome because it involve another person that has their own choices too.
Some time ago, closer to my Big D, I read somewhere here on the boards about a lady that was happier now that she is years divorced. She found a much prettier life for herself and she actually looks back and feels she is lucky because it happen to her. It helped big time to just wonder if maybe I am stuck in my own values and crazy stubbornness to love someone that is not really worthy my love. It made me think that many, many times I cried because my spouse was not the person I wish he was for me.
There are a trillion of people in this world and maybe, just maybe we need to start thinking that life is where we are happy.
So far, I think we are not ready to commit suicide or become some grumpy old lady. Then we can actually help someone else to walk the walk and see that the other side is not only devastation, solitude and bitterness. It has beauty, honesty, worthiness, strength, grace and a lot of life to be lived.
Don't go away totally, remember that sometimes one word can make someone happy that day that you decide to write.
I love you with all my heart and wish I was there so we could go for a beer or some, and try some Irish dance.
Hi Sweetie, Just got caught up - first free day in a few --- well, so the other shoe has dropped, which could be the sense of relief now that the papers have arrived. I'm so sorry it's come to this honey. I really am. You are all that others have posted and more. You are an absolutely amazing person, and it is truly, truly his loss.
I think that all the things you've posted are absolutely spot on for this point in the process. My psychologist friend says that once it's finalized, there is another round of hurt/letting go, but that it's necessary so that the person can move on, as it's now finished with nothing hanging waiting to be done.
I'm glad you have plans for the next few days and I'm glad you will have help to clean out the house. I know this isn't what any of us hoped for you. I wish you peace through this process, and do please keep posting as you are able/feel comfortable, as I consider you a friend and would miss you if you weren't here - selfish of me, I know. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks for all the kind messages guys....I have to say, I'm feeling rather free, light, done and ready to move on. I truly think the D finalising has closed the door for me now. If we had kids together, or had been M longer I might stand for longer - but given all circumstances I don't intend doing that.
Just a quick drop in as been busy at work and I'm out tonight too. Two weeks today I'll have any remaining stuff out of our marital home and I'll be glad to get that all done too. I do feel I have reached a place of relative indifference now and will be glad to sever all remaining ties. I don't even feel particularly emotional about it now - more indifferent and I see no way back for us from my perspective. Just can't picture how that would look at all.
That's where I'm at for now anyway - I'll let things settle and see where that takes me. Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, You are amazing! I am sorry that you are going thru this and hope and pray that you are at peace with everything. Keeping busy will help get thru the troubling waters right now.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
I think it is very right to say it is were you are for now. As for each stage of our journey since the BD day, we found that as much as we want to go in one direction, our emotions lead us somewhere else.
I know you will be OK and even thrive more then you expect. I have no doubt that down the road you will be really happy again.
I just would advise you to still take a day at time as it comes for a little longer. There is a grief process after the paperwork. It seems very settle and done, but the reality is that we are still in our own rollercoaster of emotions.
Paper means nothing but in the same time they meant something to us when we believe to be married after signing it the first time. So, please take your time with care and continue working on yourself. This is a enormous trauma and you want to feel comfortable moving forward. No open wounds that will come back to bother you.
Some would say that not having kids involve makes it easier, other can argue that it is the opposite since kids may determine the reason you move on, you fight for them too. At the end, with kids or without them it is about what happen inside of us that count.
Now the fun stuff:
I am looking forward to all the news about "Nice Guy". Maybe it will give me some courage to start thinking about someone special too. Why not? After all, we are not dead, and may be even better then ever now.
Hope the whole ordeal with the MH goes well. I am glad you will have some friends to help and be there with you as it is also part of the trauma. Good that you are surrounding yourself with good people.
Love you lots Sotto, I will be thinking about you sis. Pink
As usual. , nothing but impressed by you , you are free now and you fought the good fight Since the first post I read by you I've been in awe at your ability to deal with this. I'm not saying it was easy for you , far from it but you dealt with it all with true grace
I wish you all the happiness that you deserve and I'm sure you will receive it
