I agree with raliced, you have a right as a parent to know where the children will be living, her work schedule and her plans on how to care for the kids when she is at work, and who will be living in the house. Have you had a back ground check done on OM? it might be wise to make sure there are no hidden issues that raise flags in regards to the safety of your children.There are more predators out there than we know and you cannot be too safe.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Yes, I think Raliced and Life's Twists make good points. Maybe it's more a case of separating out these two aspects:
- Concern for your children and arrangements relating to their living circumstances
- Your own feelings (unrelated to the kids) about any steps she may be taking
I think asking questions motivated by the first aspect is fine and of course you want to understand how any plans may affect your children. As Raliced said, whether you'll get a straight response is another matter.
Glad to hear things are going well with your startup
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree with you all, her circus her monkeys. I guess it was slightly backhanded to ask about finances (although I already know he is paying for the house or at least co-signing), but the most important question is if is he living there. However, I feel that maybe in a way both have something to do with the stability of the environment my children will be living in. Similarly, their work schedule is erratic, they both work for a company based in NYC and we live 6 hrs away.
I haven't done a background check, and will consider it. She refuses to speak of him in our very very limited interactions.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I see why you are concerned for your kids, but I'm worried by all the pain I read between the lines. Your X is living her life and you seem to take it personally, as if she owed you something. Or maybe I misread it and you continue being hurt by her lies and deception.
Her buying a house should make her stable for a while, which is good news for you. And her caring about the education of the kids, be it collateral to her own plans, is good too. And she seems to phrase her email as carefully as any flawed human can. It would be good for you to reply within a reasonable time. With my STBX, we have an agreement that we respond within 72 hours.
By the way, I see no reason why you would discuss this with her:
Originally Posted By: mahhhty
I also feel that I need to confront her, explain the past episodes I've had with the kids (my S & D talking about us all being together on multiple different occasions). Talk about how we need to discuss the OM and his role in her life as the kids repeatedly discuss it.
My D4 also talks about her parents getting back together. Why would I bring it up with STBX? To make her feel bad? How does that benefit my kids? Or me, for that matter? And I can't imagine your X likes the idea of discussing "OM and his role in her life" with you. In my sitch, OM has been good to the kids, as far as I know, and unless he does something wrong, I've no control over it and I don't try to. Anyway, what worries me most is that you feel the urge to have these discussions with her. You seem to hold so much pain and resentment still.
I'll agree with Gmum: Have you been looking around?
Thanks for the updates by the way and continue to repeat yourself if that's what's going on. You can be honest with us, bunch of strangers. ;-)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Not quite the update I was hoping for. What happened to getting your feet wet?
I am glad though that at least the business is taking off ;-)
I'm not quite there yet. I'm on some online dating sites which is interesting and confusing all at the same time. There are two girls interested in me, however, I'm less open to the idea of something but have hung out with them both casually.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Mahhty
Didn't know you were in this enclave.
I am done and in the middle of D.
Hugs
V
Right back at you V! Keep your chin up and PMA up!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mozza... Thank you for the response. The game is the same for me...
I'm still hurting on some level. I bury things for the most time but still spend too much time thinking about them in my own mind.
I do believe show owes me the truth. Lies and deception do affect me still. Although I have distanced myself as far as humanly possible from her, I still live with some pain. Most commonly my mind drifts to the disappointment in our children's lives of our divorce and our decision to not try and fix it on any level.
The startup is a great distraction which I appreciate greatly.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Here is my email response, b/c I do need to respond. Before I get to far into this please comment...
"I fully understand the school system's benefits. I want to ensure stability and security for the children. I am onboard with the kids going to a better school, but I believe there is more to the conversation than school performance.
The school system is less convenient for everyone but you. Are you working somewhere local or getting a new job? If not, how is your travel requirements going to change? I'm concerned because you haven't been able to see the kids for the full 50% b/c of work and consistently rely on your mother or myself.
As for the house, who will be living there? Are you purchasing it by yourself? I believe this directly relates to stability and security of our children. It was inappropriate for you to never discuss your new relationship with me in a healthy way for the betterment of the kids. "
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Do you think a convo would be better than an email? I think the email sounds rather critical. If you do want to send an email, perhaps look for ways to soften it - perhaps like - I know we both want a state and secure environment for the children and I'm onboard with them going to a better school, but it would help to know a little more about the circumstances of the move. I'm concerned about the additional travel for example.
I would avoid pointing out problems like - you consistently rely on your mother or myself. Stuff like that is likely to annoy her. Perhaps instead you could ask, how would you see this working in terms of your travel commitments.
And instead of saying it was inappropriate for you never to discuss your new relationship - perhaps suggest it is helpful if you can share any significant developments with each other.
So, I guess I feel it needs a significant rewrite. My other comment would be - she plans to move 20 mins away and possibly in with OM. You may not be thrilled about that plan, but presumably if she decides to go ahead, is there much you can do about it?
Just my thoughts anyway Mahhhty and hope they are helpful
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
