It's almost 6 months since BD Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet. Some days I am fraught with jealousy. Some days I am excited about a new future and life. Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth. Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.
How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???
Unfortunately the roller coaster won't stop for a while but you are doing all the right things.
It is hard to balance your feelings. Future---yes...it looks bright and is exciting..."I can do it, it will be new and fresh and better without my W."
And then the reality that you will have to interact with her for a long time with D3....
And that she is off the wall with the double standard stuff.
And the fact that she is/was your wife and you love (d) her.
No easy pill to swallow. Just that she has done the wrong things and you have not so all you can do is keep your head high and continue to focus on you and your daughter.
I have gone through all those emotions and came out the other side. And then I went through them again and there are events that have triggered jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness and sometimes I find myself just needing to cry. And then a good day or week of being excited about the future without her.
It's normal. We can't stop our feelings so let them happen and just do what you know is right.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
It is hard to balance your feelings. Future---yes...it looks bright and is exciting..."I can do it, it will be new and fresh and better without my W."
And that she is off the wall with the double standard stuff.
And the fact that she is/was your wife and you love (d) her.
No easy pill to swallow. Just that she has done the wrong things and you have not so all you can do is keep your head high and continue to focus on you and your daughter.
I have gone through all those emotions and came out the other side. And then I went through them again and there are events that have triggered jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness and sometimes I find myself just needing to cry. And then a good day or week of being excited about the future without her.
It's normal. We can't stop our feelings so let them happen and just do what you know is right.
Today I got hit with all of those emotions at the same time. Came out of no where and I am standing there crying like a baby. Never experienced anything like it. Not even sure what the trigger was. May have been several that stacked up over the day.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
My D17 told me about a guest speaker she had in her psychology class on Friday. The speaker told them about a depressed time in his life due to a bizarre illness that made him lose all of his hair. He saw a therapist for help with the depression and was told to write down 5 positive things that he wanted and believed he could accomplish. He was told to pull it out each time the depressed or negative thoughts entered his mind.
He did so for one day, but went to the therapist and said it did not work. He pulled it out every other minute but did not feel better. His therapist told him to do it for a week straight and kicked him out of the office. A week later he returned and told his therapist, it was still not working. His therapist asked if he knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was. He said that he did. The therapist asked him if he thought that Arnold could see muscles after his first week of working out. He replied that he did not think so. He asked how long before he may have seen results. The response was in a number of months, and then years to reach his full potential.
The point that I got from this, is that many of us are just starting our own exercises for our mental strength and it will take time. The more consistent that we are with our efforts, and the better the form that we do the exercises, the stronger we will become. But it will take time.
Sadhub, thank you so much for sharing this story. It means a lot to me.
Originally Posted By: SadHub
You are doing some great things. Believe in yourself. Control yourself. Accept that WW will do what she does, and you will catch some of the consequences from her actions, but you are in full control of your actions. God, the universe and karma always has a way of balancing things out. Keep on your path, learn from your mistakes, stay focused on what you can control, and take it one step at a time. And don't forget to hug, hug hug your d3. She will know your strength, and love. And you will gain huge bursts of strength and love from her unconditional love in return.
May you find peace this day and enjoy the moments of joy.
Sadhub, your undying support is amazing thanks again for your response. This is just what I needed to hear and got goose bumps when reading it.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Hi 1gr8dad. I just read your thread, and my heart breaks for you and your D3. There was so much love thrown by the wayside.
You are doing an incredible job on the GAL front, and I now have serious GAL envy.
Thanks so much for your support Phoebe. It's so sad we are all here but the good thing is that we are on an accelerated path of self discovery while overcoming adversity.
Originally Posted By: Phoebe
My only advice for you is to make room for your emotions and recognize that, no matter what they are, they are completely normal. If you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, etc., acknowledge it, let yourself feel it, know it is normal, and then let it pass through you in its own time. It is the only thing that I have found that truly helps me. Stuffing it down, denying it, telling myself I have to be strong for myself or others almost destroyed me. I had to do something differently, and I decided to just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Surprisingly, it helped.
Thank-you again for your words of advice and encouragement, I have taken them to heart and practice. I will come by your thread shortly to check on your. Hugs for now.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Jazzy1. CWOL, JimKao, rich4j, thank-you all for your support and words of encouragement and understanding. Sorry it's been a while since I caught up on my own thread, things have been busy with getting the financial disclosure done and at work. I plan to drop by your threads soon.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
HELP. NEED ADVICE! HELP. NEED ADVICE! HELP. NEED ADVICE!
I still cry. I'm crying right now.
To date I have decided not to expose WW's affair with her boss/OM. I still assume her family thinks the relationship is platonic and she still denies anything is going on. But recently I feel something is impacting D3's well being.
D3 has regressed over the last two weeks to behaviours that were present at the time of separation. Potty training has taken a step backwards and D3 is waking up and in the middle of the night and insists in sleeping in my bed. D3 is also becoming moody and perverse sometimes.
D3 has reported that she sleeps over at the OM's house and OM and his D8 sleep over at WW's home. It hasn't even been 3 months since we physically separated and I'm concerned about the messaging D3 is seeing. It sounds like WW and OM are already blending their separated families together and playing house.
Further, WW is pushing me for an alternating weekend custody schedule which I strongly believe is really for her to sync with OM's schedule so that they can have the kids on the same weekend. She is even offering me an increase in custody from a 40/60 to a 50/50 so I can quickly agree, but she's not aware I figured out her boss' schedule and thus her ulterior motive.
Our Parenting Councillor (PC) has told us that the introduction of a new partner should follow an agreed upon process and that having play days at each other's homes with an adult of the opposite sex sends a wrong message especially if the child has not completely finished grieving the end of the marriage. We have a meeting with the PC next week to discuss this but WW wants me to agree to the new schedule before then.
My problem is that WW will vehemently deny her affair with her boss because if ever found out, her family will likely alienate her and their employee will likely fire him and even her.
By now I've given up any hope of Reconciliation, but also don't want to create an upset in WW's life because it may grossly affect the well-being of D3, and not to mention we are trying to work together to sell the home and settle the divorce as amicably as possible, and be good co-parents.
My parents are aware of all of this and feel that I should not care what WW does while D3 is with her, and that a new partner is inevitable. They feel I should accept the 50/50 alternating weekend schedule before tackling D3's behaviour issues mentioned, before WW changes her mind.
I feel I want to address the behaviours of WW and her boss while with D3 before I agree to a schedule that enables them to do more of the same.
A friend recommended that I meet with the PC separately this week to address my concerns offline and give the PC the heads up that WW will deny her AP. Then during the meeting next week with WW, myself and PC, I will try to ask for the weekend that doesn't sync with her AP's and see how she reacts in hopes this will expose her motivation.
My parents feel that I am confusing what I think is best for D3 with my desire to expose WW. Admittedly I would feel some sense of justice if her family knew what was really going on instead of them placing 100% of the blame of marriage breakdown on me.
However, I have held my tongue about her affair for 5 months but the desire to expose her at least to the PC is intensified because of the impact to D3.
What should I do?
A) Should I drop the rope and forget about what WW does with D3 on her time. And take advantage of the 50/50. I would then separately address any behavioural issues D3 is experiencing, even though the new schedule would enable WW and OM to easily blend their family's so early after separation.
B) Should I play a rouse to expose WW's ulterior motive of wanting the alternating weekends to sync with her AP's, there-by trapping her to admitting to the affair so we can deal with the proper protocol of blending the family?
Advise would be welcome. Thanks in advance.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
1gr8dad, I'm probably in the minority but if I were you, I would expose your WW's affair to her employer. Since you have already written off your MR and chalk it up to D, I don't see any downside for you. I was in a similar quandary and although it has not ended my WW's EA, it ended the lies and manipulation and gave me a significant sense of vindication.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
My own thought is to ask what is best for D3? You are an adult, WW is an adult, you will both get through this but D3 is just starting out and the scars from this could last a lifetime. This is one of the few times that I would suggest you look outside yourself and think about what might be truly best for others.
With that said I have no idea what the answer is - I just thought that this was the right question.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
