LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[ciluzen]

Ditto on the favorite threads. Thank you, Blu for starting this and for sharing your experiences and what you've learned and thank you to everyone else for your contributions to the thread. It really is a good one.

And as for S projecting or mirroring, I agree. Back when I had R talks with H, I got sick of my H constantly telling me how I felt when I had decided to only validate his feelings and be an active listener. He kept telling me that I didn't like him and that I "had left the marriage first" as if that made it ok for him to stop working on our M, turn his attention to other women, and spend money barely covering our household expenses on what "made him happy". So, I broke protocol.

I asked him, "what if you were wrong, and I've loved you deeply all along?". He stared at me for a bit, then said, "Well, that would make me sound like a real a%#hole." Ding, ding, ding! Good thing he believes his story about me not loving him. Who wants to face being that which they don't like? I didn't point out out that it made his behavior pretty bad even so, since we are still married. My tongue still has scars from how hard I was biting it.

[BluWave]

Everyone, thank you so much for the kind words. It means so much to me that people are reading this and finding something helpful in here.

SadHub, you have such a big heart and your willingness to forgive W is truly admirable.

Phoebe, I think that's really good stuff. One of the reasons we got into this mess is because our life got complicated and H couldn't handle the stress/pressure. We had a sequence of hardships, losses and obstacles before the A, and it was too much. Too much for any family really. Him being the people pleaser, just kept on trying to hold his head up and be the good guy. I didn't handle it as well, and I developed anxiety and depression. Who did I lean in for support? H of course! He felt increasing suffocated and I had no idea! So in the mean time OW is on the sideline pursing more friendship with him, miserable in her own M, and telling him how wonderful he is, he deserves better, etc, etc....

So what did I mirror? A long and complicated life with hardships who leaned in him heavily for support. And what did she mirror? A BF who was carefree, put his needs first, and reinforced that he deserves happiness and "better." Mind you, I had NO idea this was happening during their EA, I just felt something was off and the growing distance. There were so many obstacles and hardships in our life at that time that I was dealing with. But looking back on it now, it makes more sense.

Natus, let me seperate those questions because they are quite different in my mind.

1. Yes, I am no longer trying to win him back. When he was back he was BACK and I could feel and see it in every sense. He wanted to work on the M and come back, he took full responsibility, he was remorseful, he was transparent, he cut all ties with OW, and he was focused on being a better person. He has remained that way. He said in his heart he always knew it was wrong and that he owed it to me and himself to work on the M. He was very much in the fog and struggling while he was gone. As time goes by, he can see more clearly what a mess he was a what a terrible mistake it was.

2. Do I still feel strongly about H? Strongly, yes. The same? No, not at all. That has been my struggle. I still miss how close we were, how in love I felt, and how much I respected and trusted this man. He practically destroyed me--meaning, I let him! I was a disaster for almost a year--a shell of a person. So if I felt the same way about him, well there would be something fundementally wrong with me. But I do love him, of course; he is my chosen partner, the father of my children, and we have been through so much of life together.

I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.

I feel like I'm rambling. We got in a big argument last night and I'm tired.
-Blu

[Si_07]

Everyone, thank you so much for the kind words. It means so much to me that people are reading this and finding something helpful in here.

Phoebe, I think that's really good stuff. One of the reasons we got into this mess is because our life got complicated and H couldn't handle the stress/pressure. We had a sequence of hardships, losses and obstacles before the A, and it was too much. Too much for any family really. Him being the people pleaser, just kept on trying to hold his head up and be the good guy. I didn't handle it as well, and I developed anxiety and depression. Who did I lean in for support? H of course! He felt increasing suffocated and I had no idea! So in the mean time OW is on the sideline pursing more friendship with him, miserable in her own M, and telling him how wonderful he is, he deserves better, etc, etc....

So what did I mirror? A long and complicated life with hardships who leaned in him heavily for support. And what did she mirror? A BF who was carefree, put his needs first, and reinforced that he deserves happiness and "better." Mind you, I had NO idea this was happening during their EA, I just felt something was off and the growing distance. There were so many obstacles and hardships in our life at that time that I was dealing with. But looking back on it now, it makes more sense.

I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.

-Blu

Hi Blu, reading what you said here resonated with me strongly. In the last 2 years we have moved country where neither of us spoke the language, 2 young kids, we (rightly or wrongly) decided to build a house. I spent many nights translating paperwork on the computer, then working on the house. I was unhappy in my job as I was starting at the very bottom again as I have done many times. I did fight for a better position and had just got it when BD happened.

I feel my W got to the point she couldn't handle it all, the colleague and friends at work had none of this and no doubt were more fun and carefree. Suffocated is one word my W used when leaving. I have realized I was at my breaking point of complete exhaustion and was leaning on my W for support when I needed to reach out to friends more. I have done this so much more over the last 4 months as I find myself again and find my internal strength again.

I also have the same feeing as you in that love is a choice. I had my difficult times in this relationship and made mistakes, but I always chose to love my W even if at times I maybe didn't like her.

[BluWave]

Si_07, I'm so sorry. That sounds rough. It seems especially hard to be in a new place and without an established support network. I hope you are creating that for yourself. Hang in there. As you know, this is a long and difficulty journey.


Since it has come to my attention that so many of you are reading here, I feel I should keep the thread alive. So I often think about what I can tell you to be encouraging or supportive. That's been hard lately because some things have come up in my own M.

I have made some poor choices in the last couple years and haven't taken the best care of myself. H has been on to it and he is scared. It's completly understandable. I think this is in large part due to when I failed at DB and when I still fail at it during piecing. I do believe it is a way of life. When I say that I mean, self love, self respect, breaking codependency, and realizing OUR worth and value in any R.

So today is a new day. I can't just celebrate that H is here, and my family is back together, and everything is rainbow-farting unicorns. That's not life. Ever. But what I can do, is do the best I can TODAY. Be patient with myself and others. Be mindful when I speak. Allow myself to enjoy the moment and shove all that clutter in my brain to the side. Just for a little bit longer than last time. And most importantly, when I blow it, I'm going to take note, but forgive myself and keep moving forward. That's the only direction I can go.

Anyhow, that my plan for today. Maybe tomorrow too.

I am here for you all.
-Blu

[Rose888]

Thanks, blu.

This thread is a big part of my decision to keep my individual counselor even though H and I are starting MC on Monday.

You convinced me that's important for me to keep working on me. If piecing works, my marriage will be better for a stronger, healthier me. And if piecing doesn't work, I'll be facing my new life with more emotional resources than I had at BD.

[SH_]

Since it has come to my attention that so many of you are reading here, I feel I should keep the thread alive. So I often think about what I can tell you to be encouraging or supportive. That's been hard lately because some things have come up in my own M.

Blu you have been extremely encouraging and supportive to many on this forum. But please do not feel that you have to always give to us, as you deserve to receive as well. Share some of the hardships in your sitch and let others support and encourage you. You deserve it, and we want to provide it.

I have made some poor choices in the last couple years and haven't taken the best care of myself. H has been on to it and he is scared. It's completly understandable. I think this is in large part due to when I failed at DB and when I still fail at it during piecing. I do believe it is a way of life. When I say that I mean, self love, self respect, breaking codependency, and realizing OUR worth and value in any R.

This is the best advice anyone can give for the many situations of this forum. It is the key, and often times goes unrealized because we have become so conditioned to please others and when we are rejected, we take the blame. We could have just as easily rejected our partners for the shortcoming they demonstrated, but we chose not to, because we chose to love them, we did not simply go with our feelings and emotions. Those can come and go. Be gentle with yourself and know that you did not fail at Dbing and piecing. You have not failed unless you choose to give up trying.

So today is a new day. I can't just celebrate that H is here, and my family is back together, and everything is rainbow-farting unicorns. That's not life. Ever. But what I can do, is do the best I can TODAY. Be patient with myself and others. Be mindful when I speak. Allow myself to enjoy the moment and shove all that clutter in my brain to the side. Just for a little bit longer than last time. And most importantly, when I blow it, I'm going to take note, but forgive myself and keep moving forward. That's the only direction I can go.

Anyhow, that my plan for today. Maybe tomorrow too.

I am here for you all.
-Blu

Simply brilliant advice and thoughts. Thank you Blu for sharing and your insight. You truly are becoming the person only a fool would leave. You are getting closer to being the person that if the fool leaves, will be strong enough to carry on regardless for herself and her family.

May you have a peaceful day.

[Phoebe]

Blu, please don't feel like you need to be constantly giving to the rest of us here. Your H is back, but that means that the real work of healing your M is an ongoing project.

The woman I talked to at my BAN meeting is 5 years out from BD, her H was gone a year, and they've been working at it ever since. I can't imagine that a MR will ever feel as easy/trusting/safe as it was before such a crisis.

I choose to still carry love for my H, but I know that, even if he does decide to return, nothing will ever be the same again. You are living that every day Blu, and I know that it must be very hard sometimes.

Please share whatever you feel comfortable sharing Blu, and know that we are here for you, too!

[Stormchaser]

1. Yes, I am no longer trying to win him back. When he was back he was BACK and I could feel and see it in every sense. He wanted to work on the M and come back, he took full responsibility, he was remorseful, he was transparent, he cut all ties with OW, and he was focused on being a better person. He has remained that way. He said in his heart he always knew it was wrong and that he owed it to me and himself to work on the M. He was very much in the fog and struggling while he was gone. As time goes by, he can see more clearly what a mess he was a what a terrible mistake it was.

This is EXACTLY what my W did. This is what makes me hopeful the M will work out. Yet - sometimes I still feel like its not enough.

2. Do I still feel strongly about H? Strongly, yes. The same? No, not at all. That has been my struggle. I still miss how close we were, how in love I felt, and how much I respected and trusted this man. He practically destroyed me--meaning, I let him! I was a disaster for almost a year--a shell of a person. So if I felt the same way about him, well there would be something fundementally wrong with me. But I do love him, of course; he is my chosen partner, the father of my children, and we have been through so much of life together.

I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.

This is me as well. These last few days have been peppered with anxiety, anger and a bevy of other emotions. Yet the last 2 weeks were fine. Being this is Mothers Day, I'm trying very hard to contain myself and lash out.

And I'm only about 3 months into this.

I feel like I'm rambling. We got in a big argument last night and I'm tired.
-Blu

Hopefully you can work this out.

Sometimes I feel like I've come out the other side and we will be one of those successful couples that will prove to be an inspiration to others. We made it.

And there are hazy times such as now, when I start to think, "who am I kidding? There are too many triggers for this go to away any time soon, why am I even wasting my time?"

Hopefully I'll have more positive things to add to this thread when my mood settles down. Its truly a good thread, Blu. Thanks for keeping it going.

[Phoebe]

Blu, I just wanted to see how you are doing tonight. I know you mentioned that you and H had some trouble. I hope that you're feeling better and that you get some well-deserved rest.

[BluWave]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Things are fine in general and I am just accepting that even tho we passed the one year mark, there is still much work to be done. It really is a long and slow process to corrode a marriage, but maybe even longer to mend it. Like my H says, we have been working on what happened while we were separated, but there is still this big pile that lead to it falling apart initially. Sometimes it's hard to see where you messed up when the other person was so clearly in the wrong. Oh I can point my finger all day long!

I also realize that we can't just talk about the problems and what needs to change. We have to put that aside at times and enjoy life. Just laugh. It can be so easy to forget that. We need to build something new here but I am not always sure how to do that. Habits and patterns like to stick and we are just so busy with work, kids, and their activities.

The good news is that the triggers are starting to fade. They are still there, but they don't get me in the gut like they used to. That is huge for me.

-Blu