WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. It sounds like you have had your challenges this week, but as SadSara said, I also think you are being too hard on yourself.

At this point, I am starting to think that, since we aren't already hard enough on ourselves in the wake of all that has transpired, now we've gone on and decided that, in our response to this new adversity, we are failing in a whole NEW way - now we're not detached enough.

Yes, it's the goal, but you know what? I just don't believe it's something that we can simply force ourselves to do, just because we know we need to. It's not a switch that one can just throw into the opposite position because we know we ought to do so. For XX years we attached to a person, and that attachment builds love and security and trust in a marriage. Then something changes, and now we're supposed to just be able to throw that switch and, presto chango, suddenly we're detached!?!?

I don't mean to trivialize the goal, but this pressure to arrive at the goal seems pretty heavy.

Detachment takes time, and I think that everyone has to get there by their own path and on their own schedule. Those who have already gotten there, and know the benefits thereof, urge us to hurry on up and 'just detach already.' Meanwhile, those who have yet to arrive feel inadequate. Really, absorbing the failed marriage is enough already without failing at how we're handling it, too.

So, SadHub, I am not going to tell you that you need to detach. We all know we need to do so. The problem is that detachment is part of the healing process, and therein lies the rub. It's a process! It takes time, you need to go through all the steps, and everyone's process is uniquely their own.

This period in our lives should not have to be one in which we are constantly judging ourselves against some imaginary standard. Well, so-and-so took 6 weeks to detach, so why am I still struggling at 12 weeks? Why is it still so hard at 6 months? And so on, and so on. It is going to take just exactly as long as it takes. We're going to struggle for as long as it takes us to heal. Of course we want it to happen quickly. Of course those who care about us, here or elsewhere, will urge us forward. We still have to get there on our own.

The best thing that I think we can do is to be kind enough to ourselves to allow the process to go at whatever pace it takes. It is a journey that no one can make for us. Forcing it won't make it take less time. it will just make us feel inadequate in our efforts.

SadHub, your anger is normal. Your sadness is normal. Your anxiety is normal. YOU are normal. Allow yourself time and space to heal without judging yourself. You will get there.

[BluWave]

SadHub, I agree, you are much too hard on yourself! I hope you are able to take some of the wonderful advice you are offering the other posters. Your W is off the rails and just hurling spew at you! Try not to take it too personal! Yes, she is projecting and rewriting history; it's wrong and it's especially unsettling that the kids are caught in the crossfire. I just don't want you to take it all to heart, because her words are not a reflection of you! You are in control of the type of man you are and want to be. She is desperately trying to blame you so she does not have to look at her choices.

Phoebe, that was really nice to read. I have taken a lot from your post. There is a big emphasis in DB on detach. DETACH!!! It's in every thread. But to be human, is to have emotions and attachments, and detachment does take time. It takes even more time because we are so wounded and vulnerable. I cannot say that I ever fully detached from H and he was gone for about a year. I think that is where acting as if comes into play. It is going to take a long time to detach, so in the mean time, act as if. 1. they don't deserve to see your vulnerability, and 2. preserve your dignity because your confidence is already shattered.

So take care of YOU first. Act as if. detachment will come in time.
-Blu

[Ripe]

Hi, SadHub.
Regarding the sleeping problems, Phoebe suggested on your last thread to try melatonin.
For more that one year I suffer from the same problems, but my insomnia is not about not being able to fall asleep but to wake up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep again.
I fall asleep quite easily, especially with meditation.
Well, a doctor has suggested to me to try this formula with melatonin, zinc and selenium (I don't know if I can post the name of the tablets, but just google it), which is released over the night and has its peak several hours after ingestion.
I still haven't received the tablets, but just thought to leave the suggestion here.

[Phoebe]

I absolutely agree with you, Blu. We should aim for Oscar-quality acting with our spouses.

We just shouldn't beat ourselves up if that act doesn't actually reflect what we feel inside. That is a work in progress.

[SH_]

I want to say thank you to all of you that have posted and checked in on my since my journaling last night. It was a weird evening for me and being able to journal it and get feedback from many of you and talk with persons close to me really helped my perspective.

Vanilla your comments and check in's always provide me with comfort and perspective. You provide so much and do it with saying so little. It truly is a gift and for that I am always grateful to you. Projection is the thing I need to keep in my head. When not in the middle of it, it is so clear to me. When I walk into it, I get caught so off guard, I doubt myself, and I know it is because I opened myself up to this person for years and she knows every button and then some. But my goal moving forward, is to remember, projection. This will help me keep my mouth shut. I know who I am. I know what my faults are. I do not need to allow doubt to creep in.

tjcran,
You are very kind to share positive feedback and encouragement You have really shown kindness to me and I greatly appreciate your presence in my threads.

SadSara,
You have been here a short time and you share a very powerful message with me as it relates to tantrums. Your style made me smile, and also added perspective, because so much truth is present. I am sorry you are here due to your sitch, but your support is very appreciated. Thank you. I needed that today.

Blu,
Your words are always a boost for me. You have such great insight, while sharing your vulnerability and courage. You are not afraid to try and fail, yet learn from it and move on. This courage is very important in the journeys we are all on, and your example is a beacon for so many. I thank you for reminding me, that we sometimes share advice that we fail to heed ourselves. I know better, and the emotions suck me in. Detachment is a goal, but rushing it could be the same as saying I want to lose 50 pounds in a month. it's not realistic. It's not healthy, and typically, no good habits are formed. Detachment will be the same. It is a goal, but one I can not put a time frame on. But I will work to make good habits, until it takes hold.

My dear Phoebe.
My meditation challenge partner, my pencil smile friend, my great outdoor pal, my comrade in sleeplessness and involuntary shakiness. I know that you will check in on me regularly. I know that your concern is genuine and sincere. And I take great comfort in knowing that your support is there each day. Your advice is always so thoughtful and the sincerity of it always calms me down. Thank you for being such a support and friend via the virtual inter webs that we have in this great day and age.

Today was a good day, and now I am off to do some more learning and meditation with my D17, and plan our adventures for tomorrow.

[Painter]

There is a big emphasis in DB on detach. DETACH!!! It's in every thread. But to be human, is to have emotions and attachments, and detachment does take time. It takes even more time because we are so wounded and vulnerable. I cannot say that I ever fully detached from H and he was gone for about a year. I think that is where acting as if comes into play. It is going to take a long time to detach, so in the mean time, act as if. 1. they don't deserve to see your vulnerability, and 2. preserve your dignity because your confidence is already shattered.

So take care of YOU first. Act as if. detachment will come in time.
-Blu

Yes, that!

Which I totally failed at. I never was able to not show H how his actions and words impacted me. But I don't know if normal DB'ing would have worked on him. He mirrors rather than reacts, so if I pulled away, he would pull away, too. I know separation can get him to just move on, so I have very little hope for any reconciliation.

I think DB'ing is very effective in many, many cases, but it's also knowing which parts to use with *your* spouse. But Michelle also encourages to do what works, experiment and note the response.

[Phoebe]

Yeah! I'm so glad you had a good day, SadHub! It was overdue.

Thank you for the kind words. I am glad that I stumbled on your thread way back when. You have also given me so much support and encouragement, my pencil smile friend, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it.

I wish you another good day tomorrow.

[SH_]

Ripe,

Thanks for the tip on the sleep formula. You are spot on, in that I don't have issues falling asleep, it is the staying asleep.

I think I found it with the Google, and will be ordering it and give it a try.

Right now I will try just about anything that is safe of course. But a solid nights sleep will do wonders for kick starting this next part of my journey to get my physical and mental health back on track.

We'll have to compare notes soon and see how it works out for us.

[OFP]

I've been reading through all your threads... Lots to read, lots of venting/journaling has happened for you.

We have had communication issues over the years that I believe have left many unresolved issues that have finally piled up.

Same here...

Initially she would tell me she wanted to work things out, but just needed space.

Yep!

I love my W and I know that I have created a list 20 miles ling with all of the things that I have done wrong in our marriage...

And at the end of the day, knowing all that solves what?.... I went through the same thing, "self-toture"!!

(her) mood swings have started suddenly since about 2 or 3 weeks after the BD

My W's started a week before

Basically she has not really showed emotions of any type over the years except for when they are extreme

I hear you here too!

My daughter mentioned that she has never seen her mother cry.

Apparently my daughter has seen her cry, it was me that never saw it.

knowing of the many challenges that my D5 will go through just feels like an ongoing sucker punch over and over

I'm sorry to hear, I know exactly what you are talking about... every time I see my kids I feel this same way.

My D17 is smart and behaving much more like the responsible adult in the relationship with her mom. Weird huh?

Got you beat there, S11 is acting more like an adult than my W!

I believe in marriage, but I need to escape the "crazy" now.

Yep, exactly the reason I filed. She thought she was going to file an OFP against me, but was surprised when I filed for D???

I saw tears from my WAW for the first time in many many years. I am not sure how I feel about that, but it was refreshing to see a little chink in the angry monster that has been here the past 2 months

Yep, saw my W in tears during mediation, first time in many years!

It almost appears to have been a living hell for both of us......and I refuse to let that be my memory, because I would not want to fight for my family and MR if that was the truth

Same struggle here... as you've likely seen in my thread.

I start to think that this is how it has always been living with her. I start to think I can't wait for her to leave and have some peace

Sad that these thoughts come up? But maybe is the correct path to realize things for how they really were?

The anxiety waves continue to keep crashing over me

Believe me, I know this feeling all too well. If you find a solution, please share!

...she is her own circus, and her own monkeys.

That's awesome!

[tjcran]

OFP and SadHub,

Your above post nails it for me, too. My W isn't acting as crazy as yours, but everything else is eerily simliar. I haven't seen her cry but twice in a 10+ year marriage. How is that possible??

Somehow we will all get through this. Everday we are one step closer to relief.