Well folks. Maybe I blew it!! H is leaving tomorrow for a hotel, Until he is in financial shape to get an apartment--He thinks one month after we pay off all credit cards next week. He wants to tell the kids we are just "taking a break.", then still go out for dinner on Mothers Day. " for the sake of the boys." am not crazy about either of those ideas!!
I told him I would think about Mothers Day dinner. Mind you, this will be one day after we tell them we are "taking a break." Any thoughts on this?? I told him I would think about it.
It sure doesn't feel like he is on the fence any longer, job. This feels like a definite, made up his mind kind of thing. And I most definitely feel like I am not handling this sitch very well. Clearly, as he is bent on leaving!! My head is telling me it is the right thing for him/us, but my heart is crushed, thinking there us no way I can salvage what is left of this marriage. I thought I was doing everything possible not to help him out the door-- that was my intention!! HE would have to make the decision to pack his bags and walk away from his kids. That day has come-- tomorrow. He truly believes he loves this woman and is willing to nuclear bomb a 21 yr marriage for a woman he has known 6 months. And is married, with 3 kids, and lives 3 hours away!! Wtf!!??
Sorry-- I did not come here to vent. But thanks for letting me.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Hi Melweb, I think you are doing well in difficult circumstances. First and foremost, I think you need to accept his decision to go with no persuasion or reasoning - just respect his decision if that's how he wants things to go.
In terms of the 'taking a break' message, I'm not sure I would let him off the hook on this one. If I'm in a feisty frame of mind I would say - your Dad has been seeing someone else for a while now and has decided to move out. If I was more moderate, I would say - your Dad has decided he needs to move out. I think letting him get away with the 'taking a break' (this is mutual, we'll see how things go....) is a bit much.
I guess the main thing is getting a balance between what best supports your kids and maintains your own integrity and self-worth during this difficult period. What do you think that would be?
You may also want to say to him - I'm not willing to continue doing family things with you if you decide to leave the family. I'll make separate plans for Mothers Day with the kids. I said similar to H after we S (he suggested meeting up with S for an afternoon and I told him no - participating in family stuff whilst you are having an A isn't something I can offer.) He accepted that.
Him leaving does not equal the end of your M and so try not to feel hopeless. Some sitches need to go through S in order to start to recover. We none of us know how things will unfold.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
mel, I am so sorry that he has decided to leave so quickly, but I'm not surprised since Mother's Day is considered a celebrated holiday and they do love to drop bombs before or on special days. Living in a hotel isn't cheap and he's going to have to purchase meals, laundry expenses, etc. So, I don't buy the living in a hotel until he's in a good place financially.
Both of you will need to sit down and tell the kids that he's moving out. Sotto is on the right track and saying something like "children, your father has decided to move out at this time". If he says that you are taking a break from the marriage, it allows people to think that you are in agreement w/the separation. You don't need to go into a lot of details about why he's leaving...but if the children ask, then he needs to explain right then and there the whys. Don't make this an easy for him.
Many of them get h@ll bent on moving out and nothing you say or do will change their minds. In his own way, he was hoping you'd tell him to go and he would come off looking like the guy his wife put out on the street. Obviously, he had been thinking about this move for quite some time and his plans finally came together just a wee bit. BTW, my xh did the same thing and only stayed in a hotel room for one night and then begged for space at the homes of co-workers until he got a place. It's not uncommon for them to pull a stunt like this.
Yes, it is unbelievable how they will leave good marriages for someone that they've known for such a short time. The "lust" gets them and that feeling of "being in love" just takes them over the brink w/promises of understanding them, i.e., stroking their egos. However, in time the lust shine will dull and the routine will become the same old same old and then they will begin to see the flaws in each other. But, that all takes time.
As for going to dinner for Mother's Day, I'm w/Sotto on that one. If he walks, then he certainly wouldn't be participating in this particular holiday celebration. He lost the right for a family night out when he walked. You and your children go out and have a nice dinner and enjoy the meaning of the day. Leave him to swing in the wind.
Please make sure your bank accounts are in a good place, if you have a joint account, now is the time to get your own account. Keep a close eye on the credit cards. He's going to spend money because he thinks he's entitled to his freedom and fun.
BTW, don't apologize for coming here to vent...it's a safe place and that's what the forum is for. Stay strong and don't allow him to see you sweat today. If he moves out, then so be it...but don't get into a heated argument w/him. Leave him to his packing and go about your own business in your home.
I'll be thinking of you today and praying that things settle down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so sorry your H has decided to move out. I know how painful that is.
Job is right. They seem to be masters at dropping bombs around special days. I know that's been the case in my sitch. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Ugh.
My suggestion would be to let him go without a word and without lifting a finger to help and then go very dim. He knows this isn't what you want and there isn't anything you can say right now that will change his mind. I think sometimes we have to let them figure out that what they thought was greener pastures was all a misguided fantasy. But you can't tell them that.
I'll second Sotto and Job. Tell the kids in a way they can handle that H has decided to move out. And don't do a family Mother's Day with him. He's chosen to walk out on the family and he's not entitled to be part of days like Mother's Day.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Hi Melweb - just here to lend my support and let you know I am thinking of you.
Let him go spin out there so you can really take care of you and your kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I know everybody wants things to be the best they can be for the kids. But your boys are old enough to know the truth, and I don't think that lying to them about a "mutual" separation or temporary thing is right or fair. You don't have to get into details, but a simple "your father has been having an affair and has decided to move out" is sufficient.
Meanwhile see an attorney ASAP and file an order for temporary support.
I totally agree on not having him on Mother's Day. He might as well start feeling the consequences of his actions immediately. And nothing wrong with calmly slipping in a couple of truths, such as "you know you're going to regret losing a good woman like me" and "just remember, if she'll cheat WITH you, she'll cheat ON you". He won't admit those things but they'll stay stuck in his head, trust me.
Now do something fun with your boys tomorrow. Go see the new Marvel movie. Put on a brave face and let them know that the three of you are still a family and that you're all going to be fine. They will need you to be their rock.
Thank you so so much Sotto, job, 2T and HW. I love and appreciate the support and words of advice that I continually get from you guys. Feeling the love for sure!
H was gone when I got home from grocery shopping.Not sure to where but not my monkey, not my circus. Boys are still asleep. I am surprisingly ok!! I bought myself some flowers, some steaks and a cheesecake at the grocery store. I want to stay home and make dinner with the boys and enjoy NOT being on the roller coaster for the time being. H is not invited-- I am not his mommy after all. H can spend the day alone as I am sure OW will not be available for a tryst tomorrow. But then again, maybe she will--what do I know?!
I am going to tell the kids that he decided to leave, but will leave the affair out (for now) unless they ask. I will not lie for him.
Deep down I know this is what is best for him to get his head on straight, but I honestly didn't think he could/would do it. My heart is telling me its only temporary and surely he will see what he is missing, that OW will never leave her H and he will come running back ready to make amends. But my head is telling me ---"YO stupid. Get real!!" I wish they both would STFU!!
This weekend is about me, and I am going to make it that way!! I am going to the gym and get a tan later. Maybe hit the bookstore. I also bought some yummy looking alcoholic beverages that are just calling my name (Hey--at least something is!!)
Again--I love you guys for all the support. Happy Mothers Day to you all. <3
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I Mel, just happened to check by the forums and saw your post.
Just my 2 cents, but unless the boys ask, I wouldn't be the one to tell them about OW. My fear is that may come back to haunt you. At some point H might use that to accuse you of tainting his R with his sons. If H goes the full fledged MLC A route, he won't be able to keep it secret and that issue can be addressed with your boys when the time comes. Just my 2 cents.
Sounds like a you have a nice evening planned. It makes me want to run out and get a steak and cheesecake.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T--agreed.And its not my style anyhow. Same reason I haven't called OW or OWs H--even though several people (my sisters) feel I should.
Yahh for cheesecake. It makes everything better. And its chocolate hazelenut. I just could NOT pass it up!!
FYI...H has texted 5 times already. Once to tell me where he landed and how much. etc. Then asked if I would let him come to dinner to see S15 some nights. Then to tell me he has no food and could he come get what we are not using.
I have not responded. Jerk!!
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
He can take S15 out to eat on evenings that he wants to see him. He can buy his own groceries. Remind him that he has LEFT HIS WIFE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN and that you are no longer cooking for him. Don't let him cake-eat and enjoy still having those parts of the relationship with you while he's out wooing the OW. Let him get a realistic idea of what his life is going to be like without you.
