GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[bigybiz]

It's been a tough past day or two. Two of my kids were pushing my buttons, I was feeling quite alone as a parent. So instead of being positive and attractive when W got home (late). I was pushy/aggressive. Now I feel like any ground I made up, I've lost.

I had an extra long run this am, a really good devotion, my motorcycle should be coming today and there are a couple of house projects that should get wrapped up.

Let's hope I can use this energy to get me back on track. The W is still not communicating with me and the isolation is awful.

Here's to the weekend.

[SH_]

Hi bigybiz,

Hang in there. The important thing is that you recognized your buttons being pushed and had a little breakdown. You are human and this will happen. Now you can be on the lookout for the triggers moving forward.

I would encourage that you don't look at it as lost ground, but more as a learning opportunity. In order to succeed you will stumble and fall. Getting back up, dusting yourself off and moving forward is the key to success.

Can you get out with some friends or a social setting to minimize the isolation you may be feeling. This can be good for you, so you take the focus off of her and put it on you. Just an idea.

I am really proud of seeing the things you are doing. You demonstrate such a PMA, and as I mentioned before. You are an example that I am watching and trying to follow.

Keep up the good work my friend. Have a great weekend, and enjoy that motorcycle.

[bigybiz]

Thanks for the kind words SadHub. For some reason I did not set up any social outings this weekend - oversight on my part. I guess I was a little over confident and thinking things were going well. I'm also sure that W is testing and baiting me a little. I really wanna scream and I'm fighting the pursuing "gene" right now.

[SH_]

How was your day bigybiz?

What did you do to avoid pursuing today?

[bigybiz]

SadHub: Thanks for being a friend.

It's been an interesting weekend. A few high points and low points.

The mechanic did not get the motorcycle ready, did not get a couple of house projects done.

But, did have a very direct R talk with my WAW/WW and told her I'm emotionally, physically and mentally ready for her to go. I also told her I'm also ready to build a real marriage to her.

But the limbo has to end. If she is going then go, if she is staying she has to make a commitment to me and put our marriage 1st. But, the cake eating time is over.

I told her we won't be friends, once she leaves. It will still be her house (re:ownership) but not her home. She won't come and go as she pleases and be a mom when she wants to. I will be the leader of this family.

I told her that if she wants to be on her own and chase her dreams then go.

She gave me the song and dance, that she does not want to be alone and she worries that if she comes back, I will take over her life and she does not want to say goodbye to her family, but she does not have any feelings for me ... I listened and tried to validate as much as I could.

So, I feel like I got lots of my chest and I've kinda set a clock for her.

So it was a high point for me to lay it out and see what happens.

To answer your question, I did do a little pursing - so I may have a black mark on my report card this weekend for that. But, I should get a star in the GAL - as she now knows that if she goes, everyone here will be fine.

[Melo]

Sounds awesome biz! I have fantasized about saying that to my W. That is definitely taking the reigns, setting boundaries and showing her that you are no doormat.

[bigybiz]

Melo:

Good to hear from you. I was getting a little worried - I thought you took the going dark mantra too literally.

Don't congratulate me just yet. The tough talk also came with some pursuing. Also, she probably felt a little threatened and that is not good either - considering she says emotional safety to one of her big issues. So it could backfire if she felt threatened. Tonight, I'm not going to say a thing - as I'm sure that is what her plans are too. Let the dust settle.

I have to remember that this new found confidence is not because of anything I did. I ask God to change me, protect her and bring us back together. I'm trusting in Him.

But, for now the limbo is back on. She did make sure did wash up her dishes etc in the morning. I told her that if I'm your husband, I'll do your dishes so you can get out the door on time - but right now, I'm not here to clean up after you, despite the fact the dishes are for food etc, my children eat.

[bigybiz]

Well - overconfidence hit again.

I basically tried to force her into saying she would stay, had 30 min of R talk and pursued for 45 min. It all burst into flames as she told me that after 20 years I should know what she wants and I should have the confidence to support her and be the kind of husband she wants. Then she would stay.

So I put my tail between my legs and retreated. This morning I was in hot pursuit as I had her rub cream on my shoulders, kiss me good morning and goodbye.

So I'm dusting off myself off and we will see where the chips will fall. As I've said before, I'm mentally and emotionally ready for her to go. So I don't mind coloring outside of the lines a little. Further, she's already made arrangements to move out so I'm really in a not bad spot.

I'm feeling good but still obsessing too much about this. We have a family wedding to go to on Sat. I wonder if she will feel the "loss" as I pack the kids up and go. I'd also planned to have a photographer do some family photos before we go. Should I let her be in the pix or should I hold a hard line and say - sorry it's for the stayers not the leavers?

Any thoughts out there? Come on team help me out.

[Cristy]

Hi Bigybiz,

Don't beat yourself up about pursuing and R talk. Stop doing what isn't working (R talk and pursuing) and remind yourself of what is working and do more of that...right?!

Is the photographer at the family wedding or a separate appointment? If at the family wedding, she won't be there so not an issue. If it is separate, can you reschedule it? You mentioned that you were in "hot pursuit" and I'm afraid the family photo sessions would be more of what isn't working, whether she is in it or not.

I'm sorry this roller coaster ride is still going strong for you. Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[bigybiz]

Cristy:

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate your offer. The one upside of the R talk is she acknowledged that changes are happening with me and the family. But, that hard heart is leading her to her WW/WAW ways.

Who else has some thoughts for me?