My W did have a messy childhood as mentioned earlier. I was the only one who was always there for her. I defended her against her own father. I defended her against my family in her presence. I don't think W felt comfortable confiding in her own mother. I don't think she completely confided in anyone, just little pieces here and there.
W was picked on in school, a lot! Even by her teachers. Her mother did nothing to help her out, nothing. It's sad.
I saw some of this when MIL watched my children. My parents would interact with S11 & D9, MIL would not, she would go hang out in the kitchen all day. Still that way now. MIL will yell at the kids, tell them what to do, do stuff for them, but not interact with them or teach them things. Anyone who has studied parenting knows this is not a supportive way to raise children.
It is ironic how I notice now that what I feel for W is just like how I feel about D9. It's not that I "chose her because I loved her company" it's that I was in fact a caretaker. That it was my duty to care for her. To teach her right from wrong. That I needed to help her plan things, that I needed to be a good example for her and hope that she followed in my footsteps. That I needed to provide for her because she couldn't handle it herself. Some things I forced her to deal with on her own, like cooking, and deciding what to cook. She struggled with this one every single day.
Ironic, right after BD I panicked... Because I lost "control" over her? I don't know... I came up with it on my own at that point that I wanted control to try to prevent her from doing something really stupid, or something unforgivable.
Adding to the above post, and how my W is similar to the thread linked above...
She was always guarded. She never opened up, rarely shared her feelings. There is no way that I caused her to feel unsafe about sharing. But MIL on the other hand, hiding to cry, keeping everything to herself, and complaining about other people all the time, saying how stupid other people's actions are, etc.... what a wonderful role model! Why would anyone open up to her? I know my wife shared some things with her mom, but I don't think very much.
I know W felt worthless.. She made random comments here and there along those lines. She commented lately that it is sad that she makes 1/4 of what I do.
Some of my previous comments go hand in hand with her being a loner. She would hang out with kids. Even when adults were present she would avoid them. She would completely clam up around my coworker's. One example, I invited W to a meeting. She stood by the door, scared to death to come into a room with about 8 of us in there. I motioned her in, she finally did but took a while. I could see in her eyes she was scared to death. Maybe this is why she wouldn't go shopping without the kids?
Not showing emotions except bouts of anger... Yep, that was her!
Also ironic that it says I will be viewed as the father figure. That was always the case as I mentioned previously. She hated her father, he died, she turned that anger to me?
I can feel myself detaching... it feels really good. Still a long ways to go, but it brings a tear to my eye to feel it leaving me. I am SOOO looking forward to getting my house back, and have her scrambling trying to figure out what to do.
Anyone ever listen to Teal Swan on YouTube? I assume it's similar to subjects in other book recommended on here, that I have yet to read. Zephyr mentioned "Love without strings" in this thread. So, I've been learning more about it.
One of the biggest take-aways from the vid's, when a person doesn't feel worthy of receiving love, they question the motives. Someone like W, I am sure felt that way. And she gave love to me with serious expectations, maybe the expectations being that I would change the way I treated her. Of course this was never communicated.
I can feel myself detaching... it feels really good. Still a long ways to go, but it brings a tear to my eye to feel it leaving me. I am SOOO looking forward to getting my house back, and have her scrambling trying to figure out what to do.
Amazing to hear OFP! btw, love reading your posts so pls keep up. I've been busy with getting my financial disclosure together so I need to catch up with all the threads I'm following including mines. Soon.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
My detaching ended right about the time I posted last... dang it!!! I sat outside my office around the corner and cried for a good 45 minutes. It was a mix of anger and sadness. Anger because I can't believe she had to do this OFP, that she is still acting like a victim. I guess I should know, that is just her, and I should be glad to be free of it, but it's not sinking in.
Everything I think of that I'd like to do with my life, I don't know how I am going to do it without her. There are things I just can't do alone.
My anxiety is coming down slowly, but still no where near gone. PTSD still I guess? Maybe if I'd force myself to do something fun would help?
OFP, these cycles will come and go. really try for your own health to get out of your groove.
have you tried and meditation... it is pretty awesome stuff and a way to help release building anxiety.
there is also grounding exercises you can do to help when you are getting to the verge of being overwhelmed.
I get where you are coming from...acceptance is not something rhat our minds can just DO. but it is something that you must eventually come to.
how are you doing with exercise?
socializing?
treating yourself well?
I know you are looking forward to getting back into your house, but allow me for one second, to be a contrarian...is that going to help you move forward or is it going to help keep you stagnant and in the past. don't just wait...start moving your feet today.
you have a chance to make some ground up MOVING FORWARD in your life...growing some roots in some new soil.
Yeah, I have to admit, I don't think I've tried enough to get out of the groove. Reading and writing on here seems to make it worse, I thought was strange.
I listen to sleep hypnosis almost every night to get to sleep. I listen to similar while driving, but doesn't do much except take away the silence without having to hear sad songs that remind me of the R. I've been listening to self-help stuff for anxiety, break-ups, etc. lately.
Grounding exercises... no I haven't looked that up.
Exercise? Bad. I tried the gym for a couple months, it drove my anxiety much higher. Right after BD I was pacing/walking alot, enough that I lost 40 lbs in 3 months. I have been doing a lot less of that lately. And I think my weight is coming back on.
Socializing... mostly only by text or phone. I'm a serious introvert, plus I have a lot of friends but they are all quite a ways away. But I spend a lot of time texting and phone calls.
Treating myself well? Not sure what that even means, LOL.
Once in my house, I plan to tackle projects, inside and outside, which is one of my life's passions.
No progress on finding something new to do, none. Too scared!
Once in my house, I plan to tackle projects, inside and outside, which is one of my life's passions.
I know what you mean. I'm currently the sole grounds keeper at my house and I've got a bunch of projects to tackle. Any money you can send my way would be greatly appreciated.
Yeah, money is another issue I worry about. I'll be paying north of 1500 a month to her, and I'm taking the house, and almost all the debt... After paying 20k in atty fees, including hers... So no, no money to offer.
Some of the bigger projects are obviously not going to happen... Ever. Things I wanted to start this summer, as I will never be able to afford it... Unless I find a sugar mama (yeah right).
We had such a beautiful life together, and planned.... What a waste! I take pride knowing I will be living in her "dream house." I am sure it bothers her that I get to keep it.
Why all the anxiety I have? I just don't get it. I listed plenty of reasons for not being happy with her. I seriously considered leaving her. Fear of not finding another I think is part of it, or that I will end up "settling." Fear of being alone. Or never feeling a romantic touch or the love of another. Fear of money issues obviously. I would be perfectly fine financially if I didn't have to pay her anything, her income amounted to peanuts.
I was just thinking about the romantic touch thing..... Oh how I would love an affectionate hug right now.... One that could only come from a significant other. Wait a minute... I've rarely felt that in the entire M!!! I would come up to W, put my arm around her, and she wouldn't even notice. It was always that way. I've been missing out on that for a LONG time. So, what did I have? Security of someone who was there for me. Not helping, not providing, just "there." Everyone tells me I will find someone, and look back and realize how much better it could be. To feel that love reciprocated for the first time ever. To be able to have an adult conversation instead of talking to a child mentality. I want that, where is it?
