Husband looking for support

[Ralph88]

For me the answer to the whether I want to reconcile is always going to be, I am open to the idea. Half of the time I don't want her back, the other half I do. I will always reserve (at least to myself) the option to consider. Anything can happen, miracles, pure regret, forgiveness, ect. I am realistic, I don't think that she will ever come clean, be honest, be regretful, ask for forgiveness, work on her issues, be committed, or have a desire to put forth the immense effort to make a go at it. But that is mind reading, who knows. I also have no idea if those things actually happened if I could forgive and put the effort in to make it work either. So, I reserve a possibility for consideration.

[tjcran]

Ralph,

I share those feelings as well. I'd leave the option of reconciliation open, but obviously it would never work without 100% committment from my W and that includes her examining her own contributions to the demise of our M. At this point, she is telling me and others that she is without fault.

[Ralph88]

My WW has always said the same. She also told me during the scorched earth period, that she is what she is and knows that she will never change. She has also told me that things should be easy in a R, and there shouldn't be any work.

[tjcran]

Ralph,

Are we married to the same person?? I actually had to hold back laughter when my W told me the line about in a good R everything happens naturally and it doesn't take any effort. That's what the fog does to a person.

Yesterday I saw my W when I visited the kids. After seeing how she is, I realized I need to focus is on damage control. My W keeps asserting that her focus is 100% on doing what is right for the kids. Well, when your D is begging for your attention and you can't even hear her because you are so focused on your phone, how is that doing what is right for the kids? When you are sweet mommy one minute and irritable snappy mom the next, how is that doing what is right for the kids?

[Ralph88]

Oh yes, that is my WW. She has completely changed from super mom to snappy irritable mommy. She is only super happy when she is going to be out with OM. This weekend she is leaving town with him and missing daughters one dance recital of the year and other daughters final soccer game of the year. The urge to people please OM and friends is more powerful than most precious people's events. Oh well.

[tjcran]

Lots to update.

Last night I took the kids to a play. When I returned my W was in a bad mood as usual. She wouldn't even look at me and would walk past me with a wide berth. I finally asked her if something was wrong. She went into a monologue about what a crappy person I am and then said she is filing for D next week.

I asked her what was it that finally made up her mind. Her response to that was "I just know. Why do you have to be so condescending?"

I'm not sure how that could be interpreted as a condescending question, but that is how she sees most everything - everyone is always looking down on her.

[tjcran]

Part two.

This morning I'm coming to spend time with the kids. When this was planned out I had said I had a few things to do in the morning and would be over around 9:00 am. I said I would spend the day with the kids until 2:00 pm.

I was running behind and told her I wouldn't get there until a little after 9. I arrived at 9:15. She is immediately snippy with me and upset since I told her I would be there around 8:30. I apologize for being late (didn't argue about what time we had originally agreed on.) Then she says that she will be home at 6:00 pm. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She was serious. I told her that we agreed it would be 2:00 pm. She "recalls" that we didn't agree on a specific time only that I said I would spend the entire day with the kids.

I used to think I was nuts. Now it is so clear to me that it is her.

[SH_]

Tj,

It appears to be a common theme the further into the process it goes with the W. The anger and crazy just reaches a point of epic WTF???

But in an odd way it really does help us as we step back and realize, that we are not the crazy one that we thought we were at the BD.

At this point we just have to do our best to remain civil like we would with a crazy neighbor.

I wish you the best of luck and wisdom in handling the crazy that you have to deal with. I know the experience first hand, but detaching is getting easier to a degree. Maybe because when I see the crazy, it is not the W I had been with for so many years. It is simply someone that looks the same, but certainly not acting the same.

[tjcran]

Yesterday I was really angry. After the time debacle from above, I was ticked. Especially since she used the time to go out with friends. I haven't had an hour with friends in over a week because I'm the one who had to move, I'm the one that now has a long commute, I'm the one that puts in long hours at work. It isn't fair.

I know that I have to stop thinking that way, but this is a roller coaster of emotions.

I'm still trying to sort this out - on Valentines Day she gives me a present that talks about how we will grow old together and she wants me to know how committed she is to our marriage. Then two months later she tells me to move out and less than a month later she says she is filing for D. No talking about it, no trying anything, just done. How does one process that??

[SH_]

Tjcran,

They are living a fantasy, and want the LBS to take on the responsibility for it. I know your pain from the emotional roller coaster as my commute has gotten longer, she wants my D's when she wants them and me to have them when she does not.
Just one month before the BD she sat me down and told me how she loved me, supported me and was confident in me. A week ago she tells me she wonders why she ever married me 20 years ago. I guess the truth is there is no way to process that. I have been trying now for several months to do so and all it does is leave me feeling crazy....but wait, I'm not crazy. I say what I mean and mean what I say. She clearly does not.

Hang in there my friend. This is why we will stop believing anything they say,and just move forward and focus on making ourselves the best we can.