Well - "Good Luck" - that's what you need from me. In my experience these conversations do not go well. Or at best - they leave you with more questions than answers. I suspect he will tell you what you want to hear, even if he's lying. Not sure how helpful that will be.
The thing I don't understand is why you all have to be in the same place? Is that a metaphor? He lives far away.
Ok, I read it now. I would NOT GO. That's easy. Choose not to go.
I went through this for years. Every time I tried to heal with ex I talked to him or met up with him and it was like ripping off my healing scab and I started bleeding profusely all over again. But he was the father of my children. ex NG doesn't deserve this much credit. He is gone he has Let It Go.
I don't want to miss out on events with my friends. I don't want to be the one who felt bad, so she stayed home. I really enjoy that event, and I still want to.
I did make a deal with myself. Whether this does help, or doesn't help, it's my last effort. I know the potential downfalls. Right now, I am still bleeding profusely, so, I hope it does the trick, but if it doesn't.......
.....I swore to myself, I would crank up that song!
But yes, I am going into this knowing it may make me feel worse. But I already feel crappy, so, eh.
Ginger, I'm not staying its a bad idea to meet with him, but don't hold your breath until you get a answer. You may never know. This past summer (18 months after BD and 9 months after S), I asked Mr P for clarity on something that had been eating at me. He had no answer. I'm not sure he knew. Just because you ask doesn't mean you'll get an answer.
Ginger, I understand why you have this desire to speak to him and get it all out on the table. You may come away from this meet-up and/or conversation and still not have the answer you are seeking. I do hope that you can keep your expectations at zero and be able to acknowledge and accept that you've done all that you can do and realize that you deserve far better in life than this man. Ginger, when you least expect it, Mr. Right will appear.
I want to wish you the best of luck and hope that you get the answers you need to finally let him go.
BTW, Ginger, you may want to think about starting a new thread, as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it's less about not getting an answer, but more about letting him know that I am aware in the time we were deciding what to do, he was getting to know his GF. I just want him to know I know. And let him know how it made me feel that he went from me to her like that. Does that make sense? That's what's really bothering me. I actually know the answers. I know exactly what he is doing and why he is doing it. Probably more than he does. And he is actually someone with a great heart. But I just feel everything needs to be out on the table.
With my exH, I tried like an idiot for years trying to get him to give me a "good" reason for what he did so I could understand it. I was awful. I sent countless emails, had countless verbal arguments which all ended awfully. Eventually, I did give up and accept him for who he was, his OW for what she was and the situation for what it was. He did a bad thing with no remorse. I just ended up learning over the course of time what kind of person he really is. I just couldn't understand how he could do what he did to his wife who just gave birth to his baby. I wasted a lot of energy and time focusing on this, when my time should have been spent just enjoying my new baby girl watching her firsts, and half of that I don't remember because I was in such a dark place, and it regret it everyday.
Which is why I am need to do this. If me just letting him know what I know, even if I don't get not an answer can bring me back to life a little (the rest is my work, I know) well, then It's worth it. I feel pretty bad as it is, I don't think it could get worse.
And I don't want to miss anymore of my life. There are great things out there for me, so whether or not this works, I know it's the last step in my journey. There is nothing more to be done after this, but live a great, fulfilling life.
You do know that you most likely will not get the answers you're seeking, right G? And probably won't like what you hear. And if you do like what you hear, you might be hearing a pack of lies.
I understand why you feel the need to do this; it will be hard for all of us to face him again. But it will be good, and I'm all for talking it out with exNG, if it helps you heal, brings you a bit of peace, and helps you to move on.
Good luck. Remember -- YOU are a gift -- awesome, smart, pretty, loyal, kind, worthy of love and of all good things in life. NG is a loser. You don't need him. He does not deserve you.
Job is right - keep those expectations at zero, get what you have to say out, and move on.
PS congrats on becoming a moderator Job!!! It's well deserved!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
My expectations are nil, and I am expecting no answers. Actually, I really don't want to hear any answers.
Just looking for peace. And yeah, maybe my unreal expectation in all of this, is that we all could just feel ok around eachother. I really do care for him. And I actually know he really does care for me. I just want it to have ended on a good note in my heart.
I'll start a new thread tomorrow and let you know how it all goes.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Job - I also noted your name in Green and want to congratulate you on becoming a moderator. You joined DB on my birthday -- long before I had any inkling I'd end up here. I originally joined DB on Nov 2, 2001 under the name Travelbarb on the MidLife Crisis forum. Had to change my name twice since then but I do have a long history here. Thanks for always being supportive.
