Thanks, Nate. I just wanted to add one more note about me reading that book. The timing was right. If my H had asked me to read it, or if it had been at the peak of my A, I'm pretty certain I would have rejected it.
Timing is extremely important. The time was just right for me to read that book, and I sat up reading both books (or parts) until it was completed. It definitely impacted me, however, it might not have the same effect on another WW. And something else, I had already joined the board and was in NC with the OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Feeling discouraged right now. It seems like we are 2 bodies living in the same house, but since we work opposite schedules. I'm with the kids while she works and Vice versa. It feels like she has no desire to reach out to me. So i'm not sure if what I'm doing is making any impact on her, although I know the work is for me, and it does help. During my time at work, when she is watching the kids. I go out and GAL. I go work out, go to the bookstore, go for lunch. I have a small network of people i can lean on during this rough time for emotional support.
All I see her do lately is talk with her parents, or the OM on the phone. I check the redial and its always either number. I've heard the conversations occasionally while she is on the phone discussing how she can buy me out of the house. I feel like I'm waiting on deathrow for my day to come. I am enjoying the kids, but the other day. I was watching them play on the trampoline in the backyard and nearly had a breakdown, it triggered me. I realized I won't get to enjoy my backyard and kids anymore. I wish I could express to WW how aweful she has been. Although I know she really could give 2 shits.
Even the smallest comments I make or decisions I have made about the kids etc. she seems to have that snark or snide look to her, like I'm a [censored] idiot. Why do I hold out hope, somedays I don't really know. I know there is no magic bullet, its been 2 months so far and I don't see any change in her at all. I'm hoping to see some shift in her before I do have to physically seperate. Not sure how long I have till then. I will keep enjoying the time with the kids and GALing. As far as what changes I can make that I can improve on, as far as who I was and what my mistakes I made in my marriage.
I was gaming and on my phone all the time. She felt I was detached from the family. She said she felt it was her and the Kids and then there was me. I really have been putting more time in with the kids and I haven't turned anything electronic on in 2 months. Mind you she has been texting non stop since, I assume with the OM. It's like we reversed roles since D day.
She said she felt neglected and I asked her to name 5 things that made her unhappy cause she never ever specified in the past. She said lack of passion, intimacy, love. I mean these things shes talking about obviously is where her head is at with OM. I told her passion fades, intimacy is an area where we have both dropped the ball, and I told her that I've always loved her. (this was a conversation that happened back when I was still begging and pleading, don't worry this kinda talk has stopped since.)
I think she may be one of the ones thats just gonna walk and never look back. Not sure how to engage her, except for kids and finances.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
Found one of those little notes that you get with flowers in my WW work bag. It said "thinking of you, just because I love you." I know I shouldn't be snooping. That's what I'm still trying to detach from doing. Obviously not going well. Ugh. Really though. After 2 months he's professing his love. I mean really. I'm so tempted to expose them. Post the pic of this and her reactions no to a love letter he wrote her a month ago or so. Although I know that's probably not a good idea. I won't. I'm just collecting evidence at this point and not using it in any way. Not sure what I'm gonna do? It's just frustrating to watch this go down.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
And why the hell is she out with her sister mom and grandma for brunch. While I watch the kids. It's Mother's Day and I'm with the kids. Mind you I go to work soon but really. She is so selfish right now I can't stand it.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
You're not an idiot, but she thinks that she is better than you, which is why she's leaving.
Use that as motivation. You are the better one. You are the faithful one. Remember that she is the cheater and know that you can only work on you and that you deserve better than that.
Set some boundaries with her, too. Do this to protect yourself and get back some control over your life. If she's being snarky with you, you make it very clear that NO ONE talks to you like that, including her, and that there is a consequence for it.
Another thing: Document your time with the kiddos and document well. You may need it...
Thanks for the reply mowgli. Starting to get discouraged over hear. Been reading the DB book and lots of good info. I just feel the only thing I got right now is to do the Last Resort Technique. She in no way wants to communicate. The other man is professing his love to her and I assume she has reciprocated at this point. I don't see him so boldly sending flowers to her work stating he loves her without feeling the same way about him. I'm at an impass really. They are in love/infatuation. Acting like teenagers and I'm ready feeling defeated and ready to just abandon ship. Which makes it easy to not bring up R or M at all. Been at it for a week or so and nothing really. It's a quiet house mostly. I don't see how this draws her back. It only seems to give everyone peace. I was thinking of trying to get a dialogue going with her. Even just to say good morning or how was your day. Would that he considered pursuing. Should I wait for her to initiate if it will ever happen? No joke when people said this will take a long time. I feel like I have to sit on the sidelines and watch this budding romance and hope for it to fail. I know I have to GAL and detach in the meantime but is that it. The whole trick is just to wait for this A to flip or OM to possibly hang himself? Is there not something else I could be proactively doing? Just work on myself and focus on my kids hey. I feel like she has made her bed then, I really need to find someone one day that will respect me enough not to treat me this way after 10 years. What the hell is wrong with these women? The mind [censored] and games they play and hurt they lay down. Were they really that neglected and emotional abused by us that this is the only answer? Wow, I'm utterly floored at the level of discontent someone could have in there life to fully blame another person for it and then proceed to take it out on them.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
Question for anyone that reads this. What is the best policy for telling your kids? My D3 and S6. We sat them down about a month back before I really knew the full extent of what I was facing and told them that we were splitting. She snapped at me. Your not gonna blame me are you? I said no but they will ask one day and I'm not gonna lie.
Since hat day my S6 asked who's idea it was. I said that we were not agreeing and so decided to both seperate.
My question is, should I be telling him that his mom doesn't want his dad around anymore, should I say anything about the OM? Or are they too young to involve. I feel that would be trying to play the kids against her but I also don't want to lie about it? Thoughts?
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
I'm no expert but told D5 and D4 that it takes a lot of work and commitment to make a marriage work from both people.. And mommy doesn't want to be married to daddy anymore... They were actually fine with it, and asked if I would have a new girl... Made me laugh...
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I've always felt that a parent should be honest. WW doesn't want that guilt, but it is her actions that are doing this to the family, too. I would say that telling them that "mommy isn't happy and doesn't want daddy anymore" is the truth. Make sure they feel loved and make sure that you tell then that you are not done, yet, too. They need to see you strong right now.
WW wants you to say that it was a mutual decision because then she doesn't have to face the kids with the truth.
