Broken not defeated pt 3

[Cherry]

Today was a sh***y day.
Maybe it's because I ache all over and feel unwell, maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. I don't know tbh. I feel like I want to out them, I want her to feel embarrassed and I want him too. Though at the same time I know if it's not her, it's someone else.

How did I turn into a person that can allow this to happen more than once. Once was a mistake, twice- well now it's a choice. I want him to pull his head out of the clouds and look at what he's going to loose. I want him to feel the pain I feel. But I also know that all of this is way out of control, and all that I can control is me.

Work was tough today, trying to be upbeat felt an act today. One I couldn't be bothered with, but I had to be bothered with.

H kept his distance this evening. And has spent the entire night downstairs texting. I felt like ramming that phone up his ass, just as that's the place where all of his bs comes from.

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry, but thank you for the laugh about the phone, Cherry! I can so relate.

You are right, though, he is out of control, so all you can do is take care of yourself in whatever way you deem is best for you and your baby. Maybe it is time to toss his tail out. Or maybe not.

Only you know the answer, and like my therapist says to me - you need to come to any decisions you make in your own time.

In the meanwhile, do what you need to do to stay sane and don't beat yourself up about your choices so far. Every day you get a new chance to make NEW choices. Focus on those, instead.

[Cherry]

I just wish my head and heart would catch up to each other. When I think I'm getting closer and seeing positives then a negative comes and blows it up.

Maybe you're right, maybe it is time to toss his tail out. We are on a family vacay in 2 weeks.. One he still intends on going on. I feel this may be a make or break situation. I just feel my slooooow reactions will take to long to react.

I've been doing well, it's just those messages the other day. Then the sex- now I feel he is back at avoiding me again. And I'm sitting silently, almost allowing this to happen.

Come on cherry, realise your damn worth and kick the lowlife to the ground- don't LET him drag you to his level.

[JksD]

Cherry, hang in there.

See what happens during your family vacay. I think what is useful is if you come up with a flow chart.

If a happens, I will do b.
If b happens, I will do c.

Wrt ow and other pos, do not worry about meeting them. I realise that it gives them power. Be in a position of strength, look her in the eyes.

If you can make her sh!t in her pants, all the more power to you.

One of my greatest mistakes was to feel ashamed of the A. But really how the he!! Foes that reflect badly on me/us?

(((Cherry)))

[Painter]

Today was a sh***y day.
Maybe it's because I ache all over and feel unwell, maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. I don't know tbh. I feel like I want to out them, I want her to feel embarrassed and I want him too. Though at the same time I know if it's not her, it's someone else.

How did I turn into a person that can allow this to happen more than once. Once was a mistake, twice- well now it's a choice. I want him to pull his head out of the clouds and look at what he's going to loose. I want him to feel the pain I feel. But I also know that all of this is way out of control, and all that I can control is me.

Work was tough today, trying to be upbeat felt an act today. One I couldn't be bothered with, but I had to be bothered with.

H kept his distance this evening. And has spent the entire night downstairs texting. I felt like ramming that phone up his ass, just as that's the place where all of his bs comes from.

I've had an achy, tired day, too. I realized I hadn't been taking my vitamins for a long time. A good multi can make a lot of difference!

I think you would be in your perfect right to tell him that it is incredibly disrespectful towards you to sit in your home while you are still married and text another woman, in front of you and your children. Tell him you don't accept that kind of behavior in your home and it needs to stop.

[Phoebe]

(((Cherry))))

Grl is absolutely right. When you see the OW, hold your head up high and walk on by. You've got her number.

You hold a position of honor; YOU are the wife. You have respected your vows.

OW is dirt because, unlike my H's AP, she knows exactly what she's doing. She should hang her head in shame any time you are around. Act as is she is something disgusting stuck to the bottom of one of your beautiful shoes.

[DDJ]

When I think I'm getting closer and seeing positives then a negative comes and blows it up.

I feel this may be a make or break situation. I just feel my slooooow reactions will take to long to react.

Cherry, you're looking for the positives in the wrong place, thats why you're always disappointed.

When i was young, my father who was a WH (got married 4 times) would promise that he'd take us out. He'd never come, and we'd be disappointed until the day we gave up on seeing him. I have not spoken with him for 3 years, it's his choice to stay away, not mine.

Everyone here always talks about patience. IMO, I think that you need patience for yourself first, before you even can think about your WH.

[JksD]

Cherry, I am going to post a few scenarios that are unpalatable.

A:
Your H continues with this EA which then turns into a PA. He remains in the house.

I don't want to be a negative Nancy but chances of this happening is quite possible. On this board at least, EAs seldom remain as EAs.

B:
Your H trades current POS for another OW for another EA/PA. He remains in the house.

C:
Your H does A or B and moves out and pushes for S and D. He may or may not file.

Which of these is your greatest fear? Which will be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

What will you do if confronted with the above sitchs?

You don't have to post your responses if you're not comfortable. But I figured that you have to think them through.

I get that you love your H and you feel that this is a sitch of a good man doing a bad thing. No one can tell you how to feel about your H if he's not abusive. But we will want to step in when we feel that you're getting the short end of the stick.

I am concerned that this has happened again in a very short time. Both of you need to figure out why eventually for a successful R.

I don't think that you're comfortable with the last resort technique yet. And I feel that you may not have to use it at this point.

Right now, you really should decide if you're going to snoop on his phone again. Is there a need to? How will you use the intel?

If you just want to snoop to know if he's straying and only for that reason, it will only hurt you more and more. And it will not help you anyway in repairing your M or trying for a R.

If you want to snoop for intel to tear them new ones, then you have to be strong enuf not to let what you know tear you apart. And wise enough to know how and when to go for the jugular.

Tbh, I feel that you may want to use a mishmash of strategies.

Plan A plus dbing plus boundary setting. And keep close at hand your strategies for ripping them new ones if and when the occasion calls for it.

[DDJ]

to add to JksD, This is a link that Si_07 gave me...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2039619&page=24

Here's something from it...

He does NOT hold the cards.. YOU do. But you are throwing them away worrying about HIM. You have the cards to YOUR life and what YOU DO with it.

Suppose ten years from now he's gone and still hasn't grown up or contacted you... do YOU still want to be where YOU are NOW? Pining away for someone like that?

Look at you now and fast forward ten years and ask yourself what are YOU doing to get where YOU want to be in ten years time?

Focus on THAT.. YOU have ALL THE CARDS for that.. NOT HIM... NOT NOW...

You may be loyal to HIM, but you aren't to yourself if you waste another second pining for him.

Let him go, enjoy your life, do something productive. If he grows up while you are doing that then that's great... but don't sit around waiting for that to happen.

You are betraying YOU if you do that...

Let me put it this way... as he IS NOW... NO SINGLE FEMALE on this ENTIRE FORUM would so much as TOUCH HIM right now because of his immaturity...

So why are YOU wasting YOUR LIFE PINING for him?

[JksD]

Btw, sweetheart, I am not asking you to give up on your M or your H.

I am of the camp that believes that dbing is both for yourself and the M. One dber, I think it was Train, commented something along the lines of it's called divorcebusting and m5ot save our souls for a good reason. I see it as saving ourselves first, then saving the M.

We can see that you're doing well in the GAL and not being clingy or pushy part. What hurts is that we can also see that you are thrown off by the latest text messages and by skanky OW. We dont want these to eat away at you.

I am also going to throw something out here. On the road to R, I feel that, especially during the transition period, there may be some cakeating involved. Does your H's R with the OW seem to be dying down or heating up?

If it's heating up, there is going to be a lot more cakeating. How would you feel and deal with this?

And if you're not comfortable with verbal boundaries, you can show them through your actions. But the latter is dicier because your H will also have to second-guess why you are rejecting his advances.

You dont have to make any decisions now.

And just in case I sound heavyhanded here, I want to reiterate that I am just throwing out the worst case scenarios and I am still rooting for your M.

I just thought that you might want to perhaps consider other strategies and keep them handy in your pocket.

BTW, Train is one of the dbers who adopted the plan a plus dbing plus boundary setting approach. Perhaps you can read up on her threads.