infidelity/WAH, my story

[J5K]

SadSara,

Those are definitely GAL things. I have 5 boys and they keep me busy when I get home from work. Small goals, do things that will make you and your kids happy when you have time on the weekends.

[PsySara]

I am still struggling with immense pain. I'll be humming along and then suddenly the details of d-day (or the disastrous following 6 months) will surface in my brain and then BAM! It feels like I lose my breath. So far H is completely remorseless and that has been the hardest part of trying to heal. It's like he's been replaced by a pod person. The few times he's said he's sorry there hasn't been emotion in his voice or his expression is irritated. It's been a long time since he's apologized.

I know part of the DB'ing is to rebuild a healthy self and to move on. If he comes around and decides to re-enage with the marriage then what do I do? The affair has to be addressed and healing the marriage must commence and I don't see that happening without him going to IC and we attending MC. So what are the signs that I can let my guard down and be vulnerable again? At this time it's purely academic since he is still very aloof and appears completely comfortable living up the bachelor life while away at work. Do I wait for him to ask what to do to rebuild a marriage? Or do I wait for true remorse and then suggest it?

Right now I am trying to make small goals for myself. I am able to watch Game of Thrones on my laptop once a week after the kids are in bed. I have started coloring in an adult coloring book (no laughing! lol) for about 20 mins while pumping at work. The biggest struggle is finding actual live people to spend time with, the worst times of ruminations happen when there are no adults to chat with in the evenings. And nights are awful, the baby wakes to feed and goes back to sleep within 20 minutes. I, on the other hand, am usually awake for 2 hours ruminating about the pain of the affair and WAH's coldness and anger when I told him I would not tolerate OW in our marriage. I am not sure if that pain will ever lessen.

[Cristy]

Hello SadSara,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Don't sell yourself short...you are doing great! Everyone goes through ups and downs on this roller coaster you never wanted to be on. Keep doing what is working. Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best SadSara and Mom that only a fool would leave.

Healing from infidelity is hard on both parties. Trying to mind read your husband won't get you anywhere. He may seem aloof and comfortable, but who knows? I would suggest that you speak with your DB Coach regarding how you should handle if he comes around and decides to re-engage with the marriage.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[AndrewP]

Sadsara - I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I did the many of the same things when my W told me she was leaving.

I have a busy life too although our children are grown and moved out. One thing that has helped me is to do small things for myself. For example I now get myself a couple of roses every week. One for my desk and one for my dresser. I can look at them, appreciate the beauty and remind myself that I'm special.

You might want to look for some of the posts about wayward spouses - abbreviated as WW for Wayward Women - from sandi2 they are invaluable reading for people in our sitch. From those I've learned that my W has spent a lot of time living in a fog where the world outside her doesn't exist. Shine your own light to light up your own life and perhaps when the fog burns off it will be seen. In the meantime you'll have a light to protect you from the darkness.

Boy - I think I'm better at writing this stuff than living it - still struggling to keep my own light burning.

[PsySara]

Today has been a rougher day (emotionally) than usual. I guess I am on a downturn on the roller coaster and just need to hang on until it swings up again. I find myself muttering arguments under my breath, fantasies of venting to him all the ways he's a selfish, entitled, self centered person. I feel so isolated and alone, like I am doing this parenting/working/moving thing completely alone. He gets to go out with friends, eat out, sleep a solid night's rest and I am perpetually exhausted and emotionally tapped out.

I've tried getting childcare help in the evenings but it has proven fruitless. Apparently the evening time is when everyone is busy getting their own households squared away. I am so angry at him, so angry that he decided he had a right to cheat on me while pregnant with our baby. That he had a right to act as if he was single and dating. Rage. That is the feeling I feel right now. My dreams of a strong marriage, raising our kids in a loving home with two parents...he just pissed it away for a 21 year old moral-less woman-child. And he really doesn't look like he's suffering at all. Instead he has spent large amounts of money on multiple vehicles where he works and goes riding around on motorcycles and hanging out with friends.

[trumpet]

SadSara,

I'm so sorry.

He must be in the fog bad. He stands to lose most of his life's earnings if you divorce him. You truly do have the upper hand from here on out. His losses would be staggering for his indiscretions. Remember his poor choices will live with him for a lifetime.

Protect the kids. They need a stable home.

[PsySara]

Last conversation between H and I was Monday. I kept it light and short and I was the one to end the call on an up note. He said he would call again on Tuesday but he didn't. This is one of the most painful things, he's not even engaging the kids like he used to, it's as if he is detaching from his family.

I just got the book DR and will begin reading it today. I also am scheduling another session with my DB coach and have my pad and pen out for questions and directions. I already wrote down my questions about when H talks about our future together (do I remain neutral or do I engage?) and what to do if he starts showing signs of plugging back into the marriage. While I am not hopeful that he will have a light bulb moment, I need to be prepared in case a miracle does occur.

Since I will be moving at the end of June I am keeping myself busy planning the kids school and summer camp stuff. I am also looking at real estate, getting child care set up for my infant, looking for a CPA to manage my finances, etc., I am planning for plan A and plan B, life with H and life without H. IT's bizarre to feel empowered and at the same time heart broken.

[Ralph88]

I was in your position on looking for signs that my WW was back, and that started in Dec/Jan. I wish I hadn't wasted that time, energy, or brain power on those efforts, but it as part of the process I guess. I was told in Jan from the elders on this board to GAL, act as if, work on me, think about what made me happy before my W, let her be. Guess what? I struggled like the rest of us with all of that. So advice for you, the faster you get those things going and try to validate your H when and where you can, the faster you will be ahead. I'm not saying close the door, because none of us ever close it, even when we say we have, if our S would make the changes, sacrifices, regret, and commitment that we felt was genuine, we would explore a possible R with them. I'm telling you, you will know when if that time comes, but even then you should take it slow and think cautiously.

[DDJ]

Don't concern yourself with him, what he thinks, what he does, how he sleeps. Focus on yourself, your kids and how to make yourself happy. They need a strong mom and you need to be strong for them.

Protect them and yourself with the proper boundaries when he is there. Next time he visits, be prepared to leave immediately and let him be a single dad. Might just work. Come back real late.

[PsySara]

I'm listening, truly I am. While I am focusing on improving myself and getting control of my life I am still bitter that I am basically single parenting while he acts like a teenager. We talked extensively before marriage and he was adamant that he wasn't going to be a passive father in the lives of his children. But here we are, I am doing all the work and he is not just being passive but neglectful. I know, I know, be the best mom I can be and stop focusing on him. *kicks dirt*