Feeling less confident than at the beginning of the week but work has been stressful, my kids and my dog have been waking up in the middle of the night a lot so I'm really tired! I'm also annoyed as H doesn't get any if this and it's not fair!
In 6 weeks I'm due to move, so took kids to see new house and they loved it! I was a bit concerned as everything is ready on my side but the guy whom I'm buying from hasn't played his part. So I bluntly told him that I needed to move by a certain date or my kids and I will be homrless! Well not really. He is no chain like me, so now it should run smoothly. I don't think I have become best buddy with solicitor because I'm on there case pretty much every day! Usually I'd be panicking but not yet!
I have started to do done clear out and I have now reach the point where I don't want to take hardly anything from marital house, so little by little I'm selling things. I want/ need a clean break!
I have been kind of NCish with H (apart from wedding) and just slight change but I think it's pure coincidence. Two days ago he texted he'd be late so booked sitter so I could go out, when I was to leave house guess who turned up and asked me if I was ok, I said yes and left without looking at him at all. The kids told me that that night as soon as sitter came back, he was gone ( didn't put them to bed, not read them a story like he has been doing lately). Then tonight he came way early to pick them up and it's the first time in ages that he said say bye to your mum!
I'm not reading too much into it. H is still living with OW, still happy with his life and so far no consequences. I was looking back and there were .twice where I lost it with him but other than that I think I handle it quite well. I met OW by mistake and told her she could have him. I didn't vent against her on FB ( ok I vented to my friends and H's sisters), I have stayed clear of his relationship with her (apart one time when he didn't pay). So actually he hasn't got much of ammunitions against me to say to OW as I don't speak to him, stood my ground when it came to financial business (which he didn't like).
All this might have sent him the message that I didn't/ don't care about him ( he used to tell me that I was cold towards him and that why OW is better than me), but actually why should I care for someone who cheated on me for so long, who forced me to kick him out of our H as he was back with OW. He doesn't deserve to be treated kindly or me to be friend with him when I didn't ask for any of this. He'll never show any regrets and I'm not/ no longer part of his life and I don't think I'll ever again. Nothing I can do about that anyway. Life moves on, so must I!
Hi Rouky! You may not feel as confident as at the beginning of the week but you still sound it in your post, my friend!
You are asserting yourself where necessary in matters that do not involve your H (the house) and you are staying calm when you say that previously you would have been panicking! I think that your new, confident self is still standing firm .
I agree with you, I think you handle your situation with your H remarkably well! I don't think I could be half as cordial as you if my H was actually living with an OW!!! I also agree with you when you say why should you be friendly towards him when he has treated you so badly and with so little respect. I think we lose sight of this a little when DBing. If a friend treat us with so little respect and disregard for our feelings we would cease to be friends with them, but because they are our H and we don't want to hurt our children we take far too much 'abusive' behaviour from them! I truly hope that I can be as strong as you in my own situation.
Do you have any nice plans for the weekend? I'm hoping the weather stays nice because then we will have our first BBQ of the year at my parents' house .
Hola Rouky! Como estas? I hope you are having a great weekend. The weather is beautiful here so I guess I have no excuse but to work on my yard. Should I plant some flowers? I hope that you can get out and get some sunshine today. The depression will not last for ever mi amor. Better days are coming!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Today I can say I'm happy, maybe the weather has helped. Sunny and hot all day. I can feel the rope slipping of my hands. I had set myself some goals and I have a couple left to do, so on and all I feel I have a great feel of achievement.
As for H, I'm starting to realise that he is the one who has a lot of issues to deal with. At the moment he is reliving his youth with OW, he became a father aged 21, so he never had the chance to enjoy his life before kids! He is the one who has to wake up next to OW ( knowing that it's wrong and she is a woman of low morals to get involved with a married man) to look at himself in the mirror everyday and realise that he has walkaway twice from a relationship with kids involved. I remember his sister telling me ( way before I found out about his A) that he'll never be happy, and slowly I believe that she is right. H is chasing happiness from someone else not from within. It took the break up of my M to realise that happiness is from within.
I didn't have the greatest childhood and felt unloved by my family but at least I can look at myself everyday and say I didn't cheat in the pursuit of happiness. I was ok to put up with H's distance and coldness towards me because I knew our house was putting a strain on our finances and that the end of the tunnel was soon insight. All this shows that I have values, that I'm loyal (was sticking to my vows for better or worse) and that I truly deserve better.
I have also started to clear house for the move. There are still loads of H's stuff and i put them in the garage. H told me that he would use his work van to move his stuff, this also tells me that he is in a fog as he has no idea how much stuff he is gonna have to put in his small van!
I no longer dread D and I'm looking forward my new house, my new life. For the last 14 months, I have been out more than I have ever been while with H (ok the kids were very young), I have been able to treat myself without feeling guilty that it was money I was taking from my kids or my family, I have gone back to watch movies. I can honestly say that I'm ME, that I'm getting on with my life, that I can feel I'm coming out of the tunnel ( M and depression), and that great things will come my way. I just have to sit back and let the high spirit take me where I'm supposed to go. I have also read Bluwater thread in Newcomers and it was a real eye opener.
Had a down day today as weather was nice and hot and usually H and I would take the kids to the seaside. I hate him for him doing that, where is the commitment for better and worse? Anyway he is playing happy family with OW's child and her friends! Why is it taking so long for him to get consequences for what he did? I rang a friend who came round and we had a good chat. He was able to cheer me up and we had a normal conversation and talked about history, Reiki. It was nice because I could never have a discussion like that with H. He'd not talk about politics, history or anything like that. Now looking back we only talked about our future, the kids and to start with our jobs but he stopped that one too! What did I find in him? Also found out on FB that all my FIL grandchildren were with him today apart from mine, if my MIL was still alive this would have never happened. At least my H wasn't there either! Now I'm tempted to challenge my FIL about this as so far I'm always taking my kids to him but he hardly comes to see them at our house! Any advice on this one or shall I let it wash over?
I think I would leave well enough alone right now w/the FIL. There will come a time when you can open the door a bit and step thru it and have a discussion w/him about visiting w/his grandchildren.
How long will it take for the consequences of his actions? Well, it could take a week, month, year or even years...but it's not something that will happen quickly. Karma has a way of working when we least expect it, so the only thing you can do is live your life and not focus on whether the Karma train has left the station just yet.
I know you and your h would normally go to the seaside on a day like to day, but what is stopping you from going w/your children? Just because your h is MIA, that doesn't mean you can't do things on your own and yes, even enjoy them. The best revenge in all of this mess is to live your life to the fullest.
It will get better, but it takes a lot of time and patience to get there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Rouky it's Mothers Day here. I hope that you have had a wonderful day and have spent some quality time with your kids.You are a great mother and they will not forget your dedication to them. Enjoy the nice days and try to get out and take advantage of them. Praying for peace, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I never thought I'd say that but boy I was glad to be back at work. I was focused on what I was doing and it felt good.
I'm not sure NC is working as I can see no changes, on the other hand I'm not even sure that I want to experiment something new with H. I have my voice deep down which is telling me that it's truly over and done with. I know that there is no physical attraction from H for me nor me for him, so I guess it's a wrap for our M. He came today but hardly spent time with kids as he started to sort out the garage (little does he know that I'm going to fill it up with more of his rubbish!). I can clearly see he's done with me. He has never shown any regrets ( even when he hurt his mum badly and I remember her telling me until her death that he never apologised).
As Inpain pointed out, the problem is him as it's his second relationship with kids that he has left. Despite it being true I can see his relationship with OW lasts as her kids are older so no pressure to deal with young kids. Now thinking back maybe H has really found his soul mate and that she is able to provide what he needs. One of my colleague had her H cheating on her and he has been with OW for 17 years, so I'm incline to think that my H will be the same. Funny as when we were able to talk 14 months ago, he told me he was done with women as he has 2 failed relationships but that he didn't want a D. I'm expecting it as he said he'll do it once the house is sold. Now my view is why on earth would I like to be back with him? I haven't forgiven and I certainly can't forget! If Iook back I think that as soon as our first daughter was born he was showing sign of being extremely selfish, but I was aware of it but buried my head in the sand. Wherever I read it always says that things happen for a reason, although I keep thinking that so far I have always been lucky professionally but very unlucky in love. Maybe I'm better off being single, unfortunately when I see friends who are singles they are suffering from it despite them smiling a lot, being cheerful a lot. I'm wondering what my job on this planet is!
Saw Mercury with the Sun today, It was very impressive.
Hi Rouky. I came here to see how you are. I'm happy that you are watching movies. I'm sad that your husband is such a loser. Are you still seeing your counselor? I no longer go to mine but every once in a while I think about going again. Now days I get depressed but it only lasts a day or two. You will get here too. You are starting to see your ex for what he really is and things will become more clear for you. Take care of yourself and your kids and keep up with GAL. Thinking of you always, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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