Not sure how to respond, so much I'd like to do and say but I can't. Feeling really sad that I can't support W as I would have in the past but that's his job now.
It's tough love. The person applying it and the one receiving it. Just as we have to set tough love in motion when our teenagers are rebellious, so goes the WW and how the H interacts with her.
After 25 yrs, your husband instincts are set on automatic. Of course it feels strange to not support her, not protect her, not to provide for her. However, she choice to remove herself from the M (which included all those things) in order to have her OM. As long as she gets all the advantages of the M she had with you, plus her wayward lifestyle........she will continue going in that wayward direction. It usually takes reality slapping a wayward in the face in order to get their attention. So what you are doing is loving her, but it's not the easy kind.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I sent W a text saying I was happy her mother was going home today and, given the circumstances, I'd lend her the car. She rang immediately. She asked did I want to go with her. No thanks. Would son want to go? Doubted it as has a basketball match I suggested she could go with her sister.She said her sister suggested me!She started asking about the exchange visit and revealed she had been following the mums phone group (which I knew anyway). She remarked that I was very sociable now and noticed I was going to meet them for a coffee, lucky mums (her comment) We talked about S's school and a couple of shared phone contracts she had changed for us. When she started onto how are you? I replied fine but I need to make S's lunch and collect him from school. Take care and bye. Seems to me W still living in cloud cuckoo land (and her sister). Why would I want to spend hours in a car with her there and back, then spend a weekend with family and friends as if nothing has happened? I hope I handled it well enough.
Hi Scrant, sorry to hear about MIL and glad she'll be home soon. I think helping with the car but not going yourself was the right response. It is good to help out in a crisis, but there's a limit to that and I can see you wouldn't want to turn up as 'H' given all circumstances.
Times like this I think WAS's must feel it - they don't have someone fully there 'for them.' Yes, you've lent the car and OM probably being somewhat supportive (as he's still on best behaviour maybe?) But she can't really turn up to hospital with OM and he get welcomed into the bosom of the family, you know? People don't always take kindly to APs and a R that began as an A will suffer that consequence. Yes some people may accept it - but often it's a reluctant acceptance rather than a warm welcome.
Good that your W has noticed some of the social stuff you do and is wondering a little about those lucky Mum's.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think you handled her call very well. She seems true to form, by keeping a close watch your activities......and wanting to keep her H attached to her. The one thing that a WW does not expect is her H enjoying his life without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for all the encouragement. In the end W texted me to say she didn't need the car but thanks. I wished her a good weekend with her mum. Later I had to send her an email about monies she owed as her contribution to S. That was four days ago and she hasn't replied. This evening I came from a run to see her car going past at the lights. I turned away so I didn't have to stand waving or worse have her stop for a chat. A couple of minutes later she texted asking was I hiding and saying hi.A close friend said to just ignore it and it was childish on her behalf. I haven't responded but just feel weird. The last few days I've found myself grieving more for what was a 25 year relationship and not really holding any hope for any sorted of R with her in the future. I've just been concentrating on work and S.
Hi Scrant, I think you were right to ignore that and I feel it's unrealistic for her to expect that you'll want to gaily wave, chat, see her or spend time with her, given all circumstances.
I think often in our sitches things really need to tail away to almost nothing - and for time to pass in order that the ultimate outcome for the R is known. From what little I know, it does seem as though things tend to unfold over a long period of time - normally more than months - and the R with the OP truly needs to run it's natural course.
In time, many WAS's do seem to regret the choice they have made, but I think the tragedy is that often the timescale is so extended, the LBS has grieved and moved on. This is part of what I struggle with, approaching the two year mark and in the final stages of the D process. Above and beyond any possible reconciliation hope, the main thing is to know that we did the right thing, and that it was our very best. It is all we can ask of ourselves and what the situation deserves. Beyond that, our sitches are in the fate of the wider universe and each has a range of factors that will determine the ultimate outcome.
I think all of this is why we can really only focus on ourselves, try not to 'make things worse' and live our own lives. In time to come, I hope we all see this time of 'trauma growth' as very useful and that it impacts positively on us and on any possible future R, whether with our spouse or some other lucky person.
Take care, take time to grieve, then keep moving forward and living as full a life as possible, despite all circumstances.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just checking in. W's R with S getting worse. W texted me last night to ask if something had happened to make S not want to eat with her. I replied nothing new has happened. The penny doesn't seem to have dropped yet. This morning W texted me cheerfully to ask if I am going to a concert later this month. I haven't replied yet. Don't why she wants to know! I am going with some friends but what does she want to know for? I don't want to know if she is going with OM or not.
She seems true to form, by keeping a close watch your activities......and wanting to keep her H attached to her. The one thing that a WW does not expect is her H enjoying his life without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Got the message I didn't reply. If she really wants to find out, she can ask her friends. She rang her S and finally browbeat him into having a coffee with her. Tomorrow is Mother's Day here so she'll feel her loss, wouldn't surprise me if she is contact with him or even me. I'm relaxed as S and I get on fine. Today he's expressed an interest in learning to cook lunch with me. At least I'll always have these moments.
Hi Scrant, I think it was fine not to reply to that. I was going to suggest if you wanted to reply just to say - not sure, may have other plans that weekend. Because - who knows you may!
Yes, I imagine Mother's Day won't be that easy with a lukewarm teenager and that's a shame. It would be the right thing to do to make sure he does acknowledge it in some way I think.
But nice that your S is interested in cooking with you. That's a great activity for you guys to do together and you could make some cool stuff. It's so good for kids to be able to cook. When SS did cookery at school, they made various cakes but they don't actually teach the kids to make themselves a square meal (bugbear of mine...)
Hope you have a good weekend anyway x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I didn't reply. If she really wants to find out, she can ask her friends. She rang her S and finally browbeat him into having a coffee with her. Tomorrow is Mother's Day here so she'll feel her loss, wouldn't surprise me if she is contact with him or even me. I'm relaxed as S and I get on fine. Today he's expressed an interest in learning to cook lunch with me. At least I'll always have these moments.