It really sounds to me like your wife is coming around. But it also sounds like you feel like she may not be committed to the marriage yet; am I reading that right?
Thats about correct. Sandi says that she must show remorse, I do not see it, I do not see her wanting back in and trying to make things work. Maybe yesterday was the moment where she let go of the past and could move forward. But i can never ever ever be sure... Until i am. Not a good space.
Almost like buyers remorse on a Tesla!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It really sounds to me like your wife is coming around. But it also sounds like you feel like she may not be committed to the marriage yet; am I reading that right?
People that are "coming around" don't stay out until 530 AM.
Yes, her texting me at 2am to tell me where she is, and then only coming home at 5:30am tells me that she is conflicted. She can see what the right thing to do is, she then does it, but afterwards still goes on and does the wrong thing.
I liken it to a debate her and I had between BD 1 and 2. She argued with me that there are 2 apples (when there is in fact one); I see a green one and she sees that it is red, then i need to respect that she sees it as red. I then argue but if the apple is a granny smith and the world knows that its green, then it cant be red. She says that then we have to agree to disagree.
This is what we're dealing with now, with our WW/WHs. The family unit is a green apple, but no matter what we do, they only want to see a red apple. Only they can change their perspective and see it for what it really is. It is our duty to show (and tell) them how great that green apple looks, in the hope that they might take a bite and be renewed.
So if/when i'm laying awake at 5am again tomorrow morning waiting for my WW to return, at least i have the solace of knowing that its her perspective to want to be out. Not mine.
I openly talk to her about wandering, which encompasses selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion. I point out her constant instragram updates, her vibrator, her drinking, her coming in late. Also pointing out my own wandering issues to help her understand both sides.
I think that's what i'm doing differently to what the forum recommends. If i dont say anything and just let things be, then i'm implicitly approving of it... "he's not saying anything so then i can continue" would be her mindset. Thats like allowing a drug addict to sleep in the bed next to you, going about your day and hoping that they wake from their high. NOT GOING TO WORK, fast enough.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You don't think all the talk about wandering comes across as lecturing?
I've never known lecturing to help a relationship.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It probably does come across as lecturing, except I use specific examples to explain selfishness, just like a real lecturer... Only problem is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink.
So Im thinking about the last few days, how soft she's gotten, but still talking about getting a D. And it dawns upon me that she's actually cake eating. Oh yes, she gets the joys of going out when she wants with who she wants, and still stays married. I refuse to give her rope to hang myself with. Gotta drop it again.
Gotta commend her tho, she is good. Gotta stick to my plan but need to go dark again.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
1) the family isn't a green apple. You only see it as a green apple just like she only sees it as a red apple. Instead of convincing her it's green, you are only going to drive her to set in that it's red. Stop trying to convince her. Try to validate her opinions and empathize. Don't make her see your side; understand her side.
2) drug addicts don't respond well to telling them they're wrong, explaining the problems of drug use, taking away their drugs, etc. They need to experience firsthand the lowest of lows. On their own. Stop trying to control her.
It probably does come across as lecturing, except I use specific examples to explain selfishness, just like a real lecturer... Only problem is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink.
So Im thinking about the last few days, how soft she's gotten, but still talking about getting a D. And it dawns upon me that she's actually cake eating. Oh yes, she gets the joys of going out when she wants with who she wants, and still stays married. I refuse to give her rope to hang myself with. Gotta drop it again.
Gotta commend her tho, she is good. Gotta stick to my plan but need to go dark again.
Using specific examples doesn't mean it's not lecturing, and it doesn't make it attractive or effective.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
@darknes,yes I cannot change her perspective. I've gotta keep my green apple and make sure it flourishes. She can do what she wants with the red apple. I was validating so well, but just went too far and let my love blind me.
Yeah, have decided that if she wants to go out and enjoy the single life tonight that I cannot treat her as though she is married. That is not to punish her,but to protect me from the pain that is about to come. Is that a good boundary? I cannot stop her, but I need to protect myself.
@Rose,yeah, thought delusionally that I was getting through. Darknes, is right. Gotta focus on me.
If she does go out and enjoy the single life then I'm also going to tell her that she mustn't come with to vic falls. Not before, but afterwards.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
