Unsure of the next step

[sandi2]

Is time and space just BS?

For a WW? Usually. What she really means is that it's more time to give her OM to seal the deal for their future. The "space" means she doesn't want you getting in her way.

How long does it take to stay in a fog?

No definite timeframe. As long as her emotional needs are met, and the fantasy is fed, and she doesn't have to deal with any ugly reality of her decisions........it could be indefinitely. However, there's always that chance that she'll get her eyes open when the OM proves he's no Prince Charming.

[Ralph88]

Time and space is exactly what sandi the all knowing said, at least in my WW situation, to the t.

[Nate14]

My WW said the same thing. Since I'm still in the house but living seperate. I tend to keep WW angry because I'm standing in the way of the dream. Going on 2 months but will be outta the house soon enough once our Seperation agreement is final. The. She will have all the time and space she needs to move OM in.

Sorry to hear your in a similar situation. All I can say is, remember everything she says or does is for selfish reasons. Don't give an inch. That's the advice I'd tell myself if I could go back a couple months.

[Fin]

I know she comes down here to see him when she drops off our D and when she goes home to her parents it's texts and phone calls. OM still hasn't left his W, and probably never will, but I assume he is still feeding my W the "I want to be a family" stuff.

I just told the W to file for divorce if she'd like. I said my Sept request doesn't matter anymore and if she truly wants it now to just do it. My hunch is that she is so addicted to the OM that she truly believes it will work out, but her sane side still may be telling her that divorce is a bad step. Some close to me are telling me to file myself, but I don't want to deal with the distraction right now and the emotional aspect if it being officially over.

I start my developer bootcamp in a couple of weeks and it will keep me fully immersed for a few months, which I guess is a good way of detaching. I will pickup D half way between CHI and MIL on Saturday afternoon and return her on Sunday night. The exchange will happen with FIL since my W will be working those nights at her new serving job.

My end game is to just focus on this course, the EA and likely PA is still going on and there is nothing I can do about it. At the end of the course I will start planning a new career and a new life, if she is still involved with OM and hasn't filed yet then at that point I will have my lawyer file and officially move on without her.

Anything I am doing totally wrong?

[Fin]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Nate it's amazing how reading these boards how many people are going through the same exact things, right down to the exact words the WW's use.

My WW actually moved an hour and a half away from OM, but like I said she sees him when she drops our daughter off down here and the texts and emails happen when she is at her parents. I think Sandi is 100% correct in the description of "time and space"

[DDJ]

Fin, even if you're away for a few months, it does not mean that you're going to detach. Detaching is not about not seeing someone, it's about not feeling someone else's feelings and letting those feelings impact you. Our WWs need to own their feelings; the cheating, the lies, the consequences.

Get out of their head and stay in yours. Its taking me a while to get it. Mine might be out again tonight so i expect some anxiety but i know where it comes from and I don't fight the feeling. I need to feel it to let it go. Once i let the feeling go, I can let her go.

So yes, don't even consider giving her space, give yourself space - she is toxic right now and no good for you and the kids. Keep what you have left intact - Your sanity!

[Fin]

DDJ,

I get it, it's more than a physical attachment. I just feel like today, I made a step towards acceptance if this is truly how it plays out. Obviously if I am served in a couple of weeks it will be a tough pill to swallow, but I think I will handle it better than I would have a month ago.

I was never ready to let go before, now I just accept the fact that the affair is going to continue, and I can't stop it and I'm not going to waste any effort trying. If she comes back within the next few months, great, if not I am ready to move on. Again, feel like that's a big improvement on from where I was. I can finally see my life without her.

[Fin]

And when I say "great", I don't mean welcome back like nothing happens. If a reconciliation were to ever happen it would take a lot of time and healing, and honestly as I type this I don't even know if it's something I'd 100% want anymore.

[DDJ]

You are stuck in limbo waiting for her to do something tho fin.

If she serves, then so be it. But why concern yourself with her. There's a big difference in moving on and moving forward. What would you say is that difference?

[Fin]

I guess your right when I think about it, I guess telling her to serve is trying to get a rise out of her or challenging her to do it, testing my theory that she will never file. I never would have told her to file before this, as I said I had asked her to wait util Sept in the hopes that she will come out of the fog sometime before then.

I guess I just don't know how to react to my own feelings, for the first time since this whole thing happened I can actually see myself D'ed and it doesn't kill me inside. I don't know if that is progress or what...