I want you to sit and think about the answer to the question I am about to ask. Think back to 18-24 months prior to the BD...what happened? Something may have triggered all of this stuff and it is usually losing a job, a promotion, death of a family member, co-worker or friend, a new baby, etc.
You have to remember her reality is twisted right now and you have to determine whether it's real or Memorex. Even though you might correct her about the facts, her reality is her reality right now and nothing you say or do will change that for her.
Her mother is a key in all of this...did your wife ever mention whether something happened in her childhood, i.e., her mother or her father may not have given her the admiration, attention, recognition and/or love she earned and/or needed.
Think about it and let me know.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've spent lots of time thinking about those things.
In the last year... Turned 40, that's about it.
Things she listed within the weeks before BD - Upset her dad died shortly after D9 was born, he didn't get to know his grandchildren (She mentioned years ago a regret that she didn't spend more time with him herself, and that she would have turned out better if she lived with him instead of her absent mother) - Brought up that she was still upset about aborshun (spelled wrong) 6 years earlier, when she hears about one of my nephews who would have been the same age reminded her. - Another of my nieces was fixed but had a tubal PG and almost bled to death - concern about her AD's being off - concern she was starting menopause, she was starting to need to shave - Excessive health concerns in past year, one that is hereditary and is debilitating - Excessive health problems, nothing too severe - Getting kids involved in more activities, which upset me when it got excessive, plus she started 2 volunteer activities related to the kids. - one of her volunteer activities was not being welcomed by recipients frustrated her - D9 had depression for past 2 years - S11 diagnosed with dis-Lexi-a (spelled wrong intentionally) about 2 years ago, his teacher was unsupportive - I worked a LOT in 2014 - She got upset when I was too strict with the children, last incident was days before BD (triggered memories of her abusive father? But I was nothing like her father) - financial issues, running out of money, and her not keeping up on bills, I was upset as she was only working 2 days a week - I had cancer 8 years earlier, was overdue for checkup, but I'll guess it was not related - more involvement in new circle of friends - one guy of new friends, his wife left state suddenly a month earlier, I am sure made him sad and over emotional (which might be attractive to someone like her?) - our relationship was not doing real great, resentment over activities building up over last few months - after our anniversary trip I supposedly said a sarcastic comment "were you hoping to rekindle something?" I don't remember it. Maybe a frustration I had about the problem with communication, and a trip won't solve that.
I was not excessively loving, because from day 1, she pushed me away when I tried. But I continued to try, continued to tell her I loved her a couple times a day.
So, no one thing seems to stand out alone, but is the complete list enough? Or does that just make her a WAW?
I missed part of Job's question... Issues related to her mother. Besides the OFP against her father, her abandoning her at 14, never showing any affection to her kids, being a bitter b1tc4, running over W's foot with a car by accident when W was around 12? Allowing W to have a 20 yr old bf live there when she was 15, and he was convicted of rape while they were dating?
Her father threatened to burn the house down.... Would that qualify? He always made the family leaving the living room so he could watch TV alone.
There's some stuff W told me when we first met that I don't know if I believe. That her mom cheated. That W was held down and r@p3d by 2 guys when she was a teen. Another bf, maybe the 20 yr old from above, forced certain private activities.
W cut herself as a teen. Maybe institutionalized at some time for suicide watch.
The list goes on and on. Like I said, I found myself very sympathetic of her position, assuming this stuff caught up with her.
Missed an item in the list from 2 posts up, S11 was diagnosed with asth-ma about 2-3 years ago. Hospitalized a few times for it.
3 years ago, moved to a new house, old house didn't sell for almost a year, was a financially strain.
Work changes... She isn't crazy about her job, and her employer has asked her to go full time, with a promotion. She asked my thoughts. I told her I liked that she dropped off and picked up the kids from school, she liked Friday's off, so she stayed part time.
Approx one year before BDr, company dinner. W and I shared a table with a female coworker and her husband. W accused me of having a thing for her, I assume because I was able to have an adult conversation with her. This is the same coworker that W accused me of cheating with 1 week before BD. I assured her there was nothing.
My day was rough. The anger was overwhelming. Reading all the stories on this forum was feeding my anger, so many good people that have had their life destroyed by people with no morals. I had a time, just last summer, where I seriously considered leaving my M. But not because I found someone else. And even if I did meet someone, I would wait until well after the divorce to start anything new, just out of respect for the LBS. None of this "try out something new while keeping the ex hanging" bull54it.
I picked up my kids, the anger got worse. Screwing up all 3 of our lives for her to chase... Whatever she is chasing. $20k in atty fees so far, and nothing has been settled yet... She's being as greedy as they get all of a sudden. When's it going to be enough? Her freedom is costing me everything I have. And will continue to cost me while pay huge amounts in child support.
Anyway, to not make the kids put up with me suffering, I took an anti-anxiety pill, helped a lot, got to enjoy some time with them.
Your w had a lot of things simmering in the pot which climaxed when she hit 40. The list has all of the ingredients of a crisis in the making. It's not one thing, but all of them, including your bout w/cancer. Also, her parents, i.e., one or both of them stunted her emotionally at an early age. She didn't receive the love, affirmation and recognition as a young child.
I'm sorry you had a very rough day. I can understand the anger and it's going to continue to simmer until you find an outlet to release it on. Do you have hobbies, go to the gym, yard work or something really physical that you can put that anger to good use? Come here if you don't and spill it, don't take it out on your w.
You may have to take the lead and push for settlement on the divorce. I know, this forum is about busting divorces, but there comes a time when you need to look at protecting your assets and taking care of your family and if she's wracking up lawyer fees and nothing is settled, then you'll need to seriously think of pushing for this to be over and done with. I know that this isn't what you want, but sometimes we need to look at the entire picture and make a decision. The only one making out on this deal is the lawyer right now.
BTW, they all turn greedy when the crisis hits. They don't care if we are sitting on the curb w/a tin cup in hand begging and no roof over our heads. Protect yourself, your children and your finances.
Love your children, for they are the ones that truly need your support now. I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your w had a lot of things simmering in the pot which climaxed when she hit 40. The list has all of the ingredients of a crisis in the making. It's not one thing, but all of them, including your bout w/cancer. Also, her parents, i.e., one or both of them stunted her emotionally at an early age. She didn't receive the love, affirmation and recognition as a young child.
It [censored], I keep going back to blaming myself, there are things I could have done different, said different, etc. But I have to remind myself every day that I tried; I tried to communicate with her, I tried to be affectionate, I tried to be supportive. But she pushed me away from day 1 for all of these things. She was completely unable to share her emotions in a healthy way, she would get defensive or not share at all. I was confused how to react when she did try. Again, I have no idea how I would react in a R with a healthy person, because I've never had the chance. I'm looking forward to having a healthy R to test it out and see. But even then, I won't be testing out every aspect, for example I am not going to have more children, so I'll never know what it's like to co parent cooperatively.
Originally Posted By: Job
I'm sorry you had a very rough day. I can understand the anger and it's going to continue to simmer until you find an outlet to release it on. Do you have hobbies, go to the gym, yard work or something really physical that you can put that anger to good use? Come here if you don't and spill it, don't take it out on your w.
Hobbies? Too many! None of which I can do, either because they are seasonal, or I don't have access to my stuff that is at the house that I cannot go get because of the OFP. My main hobby has been home improvement, I am living at my parents' and have no home. The other limit is lack of money, right now the OFP says every dime goes into the joint account, and pay bills normally, no money is left, none. I don't have access to my stuff to sell it, and already sold what I did have access to.
I tried the gym... first time in my life as it's just not my thing. I hated it, it drove my stress levels higher every time. I relaxed more when I stopped going.
Kind of [censored], even the job I love is not enough to keep my attention.
Originally Posted By: Job
You may have to take the lead and push for settlement on the divorce. I know, this forum is about busting divorces, but there comes a time when you need to look at protecting your assets and taking care of your family and if she's wracking up lawyer fees and nothing is settled, then you'll need to seriously think of pushing for this to be over and done with. I know that this isn't what you want, but sometimes we need to look at the entire picture and make a decision. The only one making out on this deal is the lawyer right now.
I actually initiated the start of D after she was gone for 2 months, as I was going crazy and wanted some closure. Her temporarily agreeing to MC (a session never actually happened) slowed everything down another 2 months.
Originally Posted By: Job
BTW, they all turn greedy when the crisis hits. They don't care if we are sitting on the curb w/a tin cup in hand begging and no roof over our heads. Protect yourself, your children and your finances.
Yep, I get that feeling. I am sure she thinks she is giving up everything and it's all my fault
Originally Posted By: Job
Love your children, for they are the ones that truly need your support now. I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you and your family.
It is true, I do think through every action or possible action, and what she would think of it. And what actions I could do that would show her a change.
The group I am attending talks a lot about "fear". At first I thought it was silly, but I listened, took notes here and there. After a couple times I had an "oh oh" moment, and another and another. There were definitely issues I could deal with on my own. On the drive home many times I was crying so hard I could barely see the road.
I think it is the fear that drives the adrenaline, triggers our instincts, makes us anxious like we are afraid of a predator attacking us, makes us not able to sleep. The anxiety had me pacing so much I lost 40 lbs in the first 3 months.
I know that she wants space, and that seeing me causes a lot of fear in her. So I avoid her. I fear her! I can't talk to her either way, but would rather not go to my kids activities because she will be there. She sets it up so that I am not there, uses the kids to convey the message about what I can go to and when.
I definitely have a fear of being alone. But there is no solution. Even if I find someone else, they aren't going to be the mother of my kids. I don't want my kids to have to deal with step-parents, step-siblings. Christmas's forever being constant running around from one place to the next like I had to do with the W because her parents were D'd.
Meeting someone new... if they have kids, there's more places to go, more responsibility. Unless I find someone with no kids, doesn't want kids, has no family (orphan) or friends. That's IF I find someone at all, someone who matches me and my interests as well as W did. The criteria is so strict, she doesn't exist... or isn't single... or isn't interested in me. Feels so helpless to be single at my age.
That link/thread talks about control. And feeling safe... I had it all, great job, a back-up job lined up, very nice house, nice vehicles, toys everywhere you looked. And a spouse who was always there for me. It was incredibly safe. I had it all under control.
Did I take her for granted? After all, I DID rescue her, I DID provide an incredible life for her, I DID give her children, why would she ever leave me? 6 months since BD and I am still stuck in the "desperate for answers" stage of grieving, only step 1 of 7. I dabble in the other stages too, but can't get "out" of step 1. I don't understand. I feel I can't move on until I do.
Fear of being a good parent, that one is overwhelming. Fear that the kids will choose to spend more time with her because I am not as good of a parent? This fear drives me in 2 conflicting directions, sometimes I want full custody thinking the kids would be better off with me, sometimes I am tempted to completely back away. I voice only the middle ground and am trying to hold there. But inside I hope for her to fail, for the kids to resent her for keeping them from me, to resent her for the actions she took against me, and they will just migrate to me, someplace safe. Obviously not a healthy outlook! And not what is best for the kids.
Co-parenting with someone who did all this stuff to me, doesn't interest me at all. If she doesn't come crawling back begging for forgiveness, I feel no interest in ever talking to her again. Hopefully this feeling will pass.
Pretty much everything listed in that thread, is what I felt. One of the bigger ones, did I love my W. I spent too much time on that one, looking at pics, reminiscing in my head things we did, reading through the text messages between us, reliving arguments in my head. But everything made me miss the life more and more... well, except the arguments.
Fear that my actions appear controlling.... that's a fun one to tackle. Look up "controlling tendencies" and every item I am somewhat guilty of. I had to look up "the difference between controlling and loving" to find the real answers. I was guilty of a couple possibly, but a much shorter list. The world seems to have gotten so super sensitive to controlling that every word is viewed as controlling. Maybe not everyone will agree, but I see a M, especially with children, as a continuous compromise, not 2 free bird parents doing whatever they feel like in different directions. Not free will of spending whatever they want from joint money with no concern about the other. That is what you get when you get a D. But if I were to tell the W I'd like to see t he kids once in a while, or to stop spending money because it is GONE, I am controlling? If I give her an allowance (which I never did), then I would be even more controlling? What is the answer? Get a D? Pick a better spouse next time?
I just read through Zephyr's threads... all of them! Some definite similarities, though I am totally envious of the fact that his W stuck it out with him, even though severely emotionally distant, and allowed him a chance to work things out. I'd give anything to have the opportunity with my W!! Maybe because I think I could fix it?
Similarities... Line of work, codependent, emotionally distant W, fix-er. Difference... mine bailed, I was fairly happy in the R as it was though I did sense the "distance"
Now S11 and D9 seem to be inadvertently driving a wedge between us. I'll have an innocent discussion with them when W comes up, it gets misconstrued somewhere, reported to her, and a letter through atty's immediately follows. I tell the kids over and over I do not blame her, and it continues anyway. I don't understand the point of the letters, if it is planned as ammo for custody battle or W is just adding to her bitterness, or what? I guess I just need to avoid any discussions whatsoever with them about W, cut them off even if they have comments or concerns. They also tell me about things W is saying negative about me, pretty much every time I see them. Oh how I wish this madness would stop. If we could talk, this may be easily resolved.... there's my "fix it" mentality coming out again.
Not sure if I mentioned it, I have heard her FB is full of derogatory comments about me. It is visible only to her friends, but we have a few common friends. I preserve my integrity by realizing the people who read it likely do not judge me for the comments, but judge her for posting it and blaming others for her problems. In fact the person who told me said "I don't know what happened in their R, but what W is posting is just wrong." It was like that from shortly after she left, even when she still seemed to be considering R.
What can I do? How do I prevent the sitch getting worse? I am sure the D is making it worse.
I am totally failing at GAL! I am hoping once I have my place back I will be more successful, as I love my projects.
What HAVE I done to GAL? I reconnected with some friends, and expanded on other friendships. Many of which have also gone through D. Two of these friends are girls, ones that we have no interest in dating each other. FF1 (female friend 1), I was friends with not too long before meeting W, and dated for a short time... should have just stayed friends though. She stated that I was probably the best friend she has ever had, even now 20+ years later. That comment felt good. FF2, I was good friends with for many years in elementary through junior high school. After only texting her for a few days, I was THE choice of someone to talk to about something semi serious in her life. That felt good also.
