I know I have to establish control and create boundaries and I am really trying to figure that out. The No More Mr. Nice Guy book is giving me a lot to think about and work on.
I HATE that she has made a unilateral decision about our M without consulting me. That is the part where I feel she has all the control. We have always made big decisions together, and now she is making the ultimate M decision without me. That isn't what we promised each other we would do.
So, my W wants to talk about us tonight. I have no idea if this is - I've decided to D - or - Let's try again. My plan is to listen, validate and that's pretty much it. I know that she is going to press me for my feelings or input - she usually does - but I'm going to be as strong as I can and not react much at all.
What does everyone think? Is this the proper approach?
Yes it the right approach. Say its a lot of information and you need time to think it all over. keep it focused on what she says. Let her talk about what she wants and validate. You don't give an opinion about it just validate her feelings on stuff. doing that there is no chance for argument.
Good luck, you have this.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I'm getting angry and frustrated. Please chime in and help me through this.
Last night she wanted to talk. Then when it came down to it she said she was too tired. I said that she at least needs to let me know if anything has changed so I can plan accordingly (separate or divorce or what?)
We talked for a bit. I had begun the LRT two weeks ago. She is ticked that I have been distant stating that it proves that I can't change and will always be unavailable to her. I validated and backed off, but she pushed the issue. I then explained that when she said she wanted to S I consciously was giving her the space that she said she wanted. Apparently she didn't want that?!?!?!
She is convinced that I am the source of all problems in our MR. She says she needs someone who is emotionally available, yet she herself is completely emotionally unavailable at this point. Actually has been pretty much our entire relationship. She can't see this and won't hear it from anyone.
Like I said, I'm frustrated becuase I feel stuck. I'm angry because I'm busting my a$$ to improve and my partner is uncooperative.
The situation with your wife sounds very similar to mine; she's upset because she felt neglected, but now she's distant and I can't really give her the attention she so badly wanted. It seems to be a common conundrum.
I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Others on this forum can provide better advise than I can. I've used input from the forum and I've had a DB coach. The coach seems to have a much lighter touch than the forum. The coach may be right about the lighter touch. I want to save my marriage, I also don't my wife to walk all over me, so frankly, I'm often confused about the best approach to take.
Anyway, I wish you luck and I hope you find some things that work well. I'll have to follow your thread and maybe it'll help me navigate the murky waters.
I'm getting angry and frustrated. Please chime in and help me through this.
Last night she wanted to talk. Then when it came down to it she said she was too tired. I said that she at least needs to let me know if anything has changed so I can plan accordingly (separate or divorce or what?)
Don't push the R talk. If this happens again, just say, "OK, Get some rest" Then go out of the house and GAL. Don't ask about rescheduling either.
I'm in agreement with cubebot, no R talk. Before DB I'd initiate R talk and it'd always make things worse. Since I'm blind and I have a thick skull, I never did make the correlation. So here it is:
- R Talk equals PO'd spouse (one to one correlation)
Now I dread R talk like the plague. I've had more cases of explosive diarrhea in the past two months than I've had in my entire life. (Explosive diarrhea is always the perfect excuse for excusing yourself.)
Told the kids what is going on yesterday - Dad's leaving for a while. Both were trying so hard to come up with alternatives to me moving out. That hurt. Found a place yesterday and I'm moving this weekend. Mixed emotions about that. Leaving feels terrible, but staying is not healthy for either of us. I can't sleep well when she is around and all I can think of is the R. When I'm away I can sleep and I can focus on myself.
Started talking about visitation this morning. It led to her talking about her feelings about the R. I did a DAMN GOOD JOB of validating and keeping quiet otherwise. The one thing I did say was how hard it is for me to not swoop in and comfort her when she is hurting.
One thing I am committed to - I will teach my son everything I can about the realities of marriage. No one ever taught me how to listen to a woman, how to empathize, how to validate, how to stand up to her when needed, how to take care of yourself in a marriage, get your own needs met and how to truly take care of your mate.
I'm sorry it's been rough for you, but I'm glad you're looking forward to some space and time for yourself.
We haven't talked to my sons about the marital issues although they've heard stuff along the way. My youngest constantly tells my wife and I that we're awesome parents and I know that he's trying to say "make it work" but it's also very sad that he feels like he needs to help fix things. Anyway, I'm just saying that I know how hard it can be when children are involved.
I'm glad you did a good job validating; I'm still struggling with that. I think teaching your son about you hard-learned lessons would be a good thing. I wish I'd known that stuff before getting married.
Last night I put my best foot forward and was in a super good mood when she came home. Had some light conversation and then did my own thing. Felt good to me that I wasn't waiting for her approval.
Today, again, had a great attitude. Some light conversation and even some discussion about the upcoming move. My mood seemed to pull her mood up. (Side effect - we like being around people who improve our mood.)
Working hard on improving my communication skills and have committed to pushing out of my comfort zone at least once a day. Also still working on GAL.
