New Couple, Same Old Story 2

[Ralph88]

I'm still trying. I probably have been a little 'meanish' while acting as if around her, and not being as 'respectful' as I should be. I have been validating way better and detaching way better, and less angry. W is still pushing for counseling, feels like she's trying to friend me through counseling, but I'll try not to mind read. I told her that I didn't really feel that we needed counseling (180), and we can co-parent just fine. She was persistent, and since this is the first she has made any effort, I validated her and said if she made the appointment I would think about it especially since it seems so important to her.

Just trying to keep in mind, believe nothing she says and half of what she does.

[LiM]

Ralph,

Remember, detaching and acting As If does not mean that you should be mean or disrespectful to her. It means that her words and actions, however hurtful, do not cause you to react emotionally.

I don't know that I would 180 a request to go to counseling. Why does she want to go to MC? Is it to work on the M? Or do you think she is just trying to get to a friendly place with you? I would think that if she is sincere about working on the R, has shown remorse and is coming out of the fog, then MC is what you want to do. Its fine to go and not have any expectations.
Do you know if the A is still going on?

[Ralph88]

I think she wants to go to counseling to be in a friendly place with me. I also feel that she is trying to make the divorce smooth. The OM is still completely in the picture, he actually watched my kids this weekend for a day. Wow. I don't care to be her friend, even though my DB advisor recommended it. I am trying to be nicer to her, but detachment and unavailability is seen as mean by her, and I'm not really stopping that.

The 180 for counseling was two fold, with OM still around and her not expressing that she wants to work on M, and me in the past pushing for counciling, when she started pushing for it, I validated and told her I would think about it.

She stated that she felt I was only interested in a romantic relationship with her, and nothing more, meaning if we weren't to be married anymore, there would be no relationship. I didn't really respond, but she understands that I'm still standing for the marriage that she has chosen to leave.

[Ralph88]

I wish I could have truly wrapped my mind around the following a long time ago.

Not my monkeys not my circus, and I can only fix me. I have realized that I was so attached for so long in my marriage trying to help and fix W that I was truly unhappy.

I'm letting that go. W has to deal with her own monkeys and circus, whether she chooses to or not, is not my problem. I have to protect myself and my kids!

[LiM]

I love the monkeys/circus statement. Love it!
If the OM is still in the picture, I wouldn't go to counseling either. No point if she's not committed to you.

[LandC]

Hi LiM,
I'm new - I've read a lot of your story. Very inspiring. You are the first one I've found in the newcomers forum who is 'piecing'. We had a fight April 6, husband left house April 8. Will tell more details as you would like but my question is - since you've been on here a while, I'm looking for some advice. He has been staying with a friend but wants to come back soon to live in our house - I'd live in guest house - and I know this will be an amazing opportunity to turn things around.
He is the one who left a note and later sent text saying he's 'done' etc. Thinks I can't change. Long story short.
I have a DB coach. I have underlined almost every page of DR.
I know it is up to ME to change his beliefs about me - that I won't change and therefore he will always live in stress.
Would you be willing to help me or know someone else on these forums who may be a good match?
I am the pursuer, he is the distancer.
I already have a therapist myself and am working on my own issues - too many to count!
We have only been separated for 2.5 weeks!
Early days.
Been together almost 16 years.
This is a man who had sent me adorable whatsapp messages 3 days before fight. There is a lot of love.
thanks!

[SH_]

I wish I could have truly wrapped my mind around the following a long time ago.

Not my monkeys not my circus, and I can only fix me. I have realized that I was so attached for so long in my marriage trying to help and fix W that I was truly unhappy.

I'm letting that go. W has to deal with her own monkeys and circus, whether she chooses to or not, is not my problem. I have to protect myself and my kids!

This is how I am starting to feel of late. The angry WAW has a full 3 ring circus, monkeys of every species and a clown army to boot. I have to just watch it, chuckle and try like he// to get myself together and re create a future for me and my baby girls.

Keep on the good path Ralph and you will be a better man and father regardless of her circus.

[Ralph88]

My biggest mistake in this process was trusting WW, not seeing the signs, not asking questions before the BD. Then, as I began to DB, I still couldn't wrap my mind around her actually having another EA/PA. Oh well, we are supposed to trust people in our lives.

I'm in the gym less, but running almost every day now. Still not eating or sleeping as well as I should but trying. Returning to college June 1st, unless L thinks I should hold off. Reading a lot, talking to a lot of support people, IC, neighbor therapist, family... Looking for a divorce care group or men's group to join.

Spending real quality time with my Ds. They are amazing. I wish I could protect them from WW mess, but I can't. I will have to say sorry to them in the future for not being able to protect them more.

Interactions with W are at a min. I'm not pursuing. It's down to the occasional text about kids. I thinks she is finally done temp checking and munipulating. Must not feel there is any reason left to try to play games with me.

D is moving slowly, entering the discovery phase.. When the Ls ask for phone records, bank info, ect. Thought I would be excited to get closure with phone records, but am actually dreading seeing the truth of the last 12 months. It will be closure though, pain that I will need to process through.

[BluWave]

I wish I could have truly wrapped my mind around the following a long time ago.

Not my monkeys not my circus, and I can only fix me. I have realized that I was so attached for so long in my marriage trying to help and fix W that I was truly unhappy.

I'm letting that go. W has to deal with her own monkeys and circus, whether she chooses to or not, is not my problem. I have to protect myself and my kids!

This is how I am starting to feel of late. The angry WAW has a full 3 ring circus, monkeys of every species and a clown army to boot. I have to just watch it, chuckle and try like he// to get myself together and re create a future for me and my baby girls.

Keep on the good path Ralph and you will be a better man and father regardless of her circus.

SadHub, I literally just LOL reading this! I love your attitude!

-Blu

[BluWave]

My biggest mistake in this process was trusting WW, not seeing the signs, not asking questions before the BD. Then, as I began to DB, I still couldn't wrap my mind around her actually having another EA/PA. Oh well, we are supposed to trust people in our lives.

I'm in the gym less, but running almost every day now. Still not eating or sleeping as well as I should but trying. Returning to college June 1st, unless L thinks I should hold off. Reading a lot, talking to a lot of support people, IC, neighbor therapist, family... Looking for a divorce care group or men's group to join.

Spending real quality time with my Ds. They are amazing. I wish I could protect them from WW mess, but I can't. I will have to say sorry to them in the future for not being able to protect them more.

Interactions with W are at a min. I'm not pursuing. It's down to the occasional text about kids. I thinks she is finally done temp checking and munipulating. Must not feel there is any reason left to try to play games with me.

D is moving slowly, entering the discovery phase.. When the Ls ask for phone records, bank info, ect. Thought I would be excited to get closure with phone records, but am actually dreading seeing the truth of the last 12 months. It will be closure though, pain that I will need to process through.

Go easy on yourself Ralph, this is so hard. It may take a very long time to have closure or to even want real closure. And no need to rush that, it's okay to just take it day-by-day. None of this happened over night and so it will take even longer to come out on the other side. You are right tho, no reason to play games with her. Just keep taking care of you and the kiddos.

-Blu