How to rekindle love?

[Rose888]

Rose8888:

That sounds like great news. I'm sure the common advice is to take it slow and still have zero expectations. Many of us expect the Hollywood reunion - but it does not happen that way. Yes, the DB,DR are going to be key.

As a man speaking - you need to play a little hard to get. There is nothing a man wants more than to chase his girl. Don't throw yourself at him, but don't reject him either. Make him work a little - but again as a guy speaking play fair. It would also help if you gave him a little too. Make him feel like he is getting what he wants too - just a little at a time.

I hope that helps. I'm rooting for ya.

I hear you on the Hollywood reunion. I know this is just the beginning of working on the issues that got us to this point. In addition to MC, I'm keeping my IC to help me work on my stuff.

Playing hard to get is probably a great suggestion for most people. In our case, the biggest issue in our marriage is that our differences in sexual libido and my poor handling of that situation has made H feel that I don't desire him enough. So, for me, playing hard to get would feel like more of the same to him.

I need to project confidence (no clinging or desperation!), but I also need to flirt and initiate.

[Rose888]

Thanks for the prayers, SadHub.

I haven't followed up on DB coaching, because my counseling budget is going toward my in-person IC and now MC.

[BluWave]

I am glad to read this! Keep doing what you are doing--always put you first, hold your head up high, and don't ever let H decide your worth. If you can reconnect and find a good marriage therapist, hopefully your intimacy will grow over time. I still reserve my position that he is just as responsible for that as you! He's gotta be desirable and sexy for you, help you feel safe with him, and commit to what you need to get turned on!

It takes Two to Tango! :-)
-Blu

[Phoebe]

What a positive development, Rose888. It's so good to see this.

BLuWave is right - it surely does take two people in the bedroom, so if he is the one with the complaint, he's going to have to do his part. I think that a lot of men think that women's libido is like a switch that can instantly turn on. Not so much. He needs to be willing to learn and change his own habits, too.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

[Rose888]

Phoebe and Blu, thanks so much for the good thoughts!

Honestly, in the past, H has put more effort into this area. I've been selfish and clueless. It's a bad combination. I have had my "come to Jesus" moment and have seen my failures in this area.

Also, several weeks ago, right after BD, I wrote H a letter about this issue, and I can see that he is acting on some of what I said in that letter. He is willing to make changes.

This isn't to say that the problem is all mine, but I own the lion's share of this issue. (I would say that he owns the lion's share of the depression issue.) The communication issue we share equally.

[Rose888]

H's detachment seems to have increased since he decided to stay and try to make things work.

He's also stressed about tight deadlines at work and an issue with one of our kids that erupted yesterday.

I think I need to give him a little more space and stop initiating any physical contact. (Before BD, we had a lot of casual touch in our relationship, so it's a habit.)

We haven't had any R talk other than some brief chats about which counselor to use. (First appointment on Monday!) My goal is to have minimal R talk outside of the counseling sessions, at least at first.

Stil working on my own stuff and GAL, although I am going to hold off on the pottery class for now, I think.

[Rose888]

The kid situation has resolved as much as it's going to, so H's stress has eased up.

He seems to have reacted to me giving him more space by coming a bit closer. He initiated physical contact outside the bed twice the week, for the first time since BD.

Still no R talk, other than some very general discussion of needing to consider the impact to the MR if he takes on a certain work project in the fall that would require lots of travel.

I still have no idea what he is thinking or feeling about the R, so I am both looking forward to and dreading our counseling appointment on Monday.

Lots of errands this weekend. Only GAL was going to see a movie with one of my sons last night.

[SH_]

Hi Rose,

Keep up the GALing. Stay focused on you and not so much on your H. Stay away from worrying about what H is thinking or feeling. It takes up space in your mind that takes away from your focus on you. This can help you stay present in the moment and not forecast potential future outcomes.

I encourage you to go to the counseling appt with the Dbing approach of " acting as if".
This will put you in a sound mind frame, and help you be in control of you no matter what.

I'm sending positive vibes and my prayers to you and your family.

[Rose888]

SadHub (or anyone else who wants to chime in), can you talk more about using the "act as if" strategy in MC?

Act as if what?

It's been a week since H told me he is going to "try to stay and see if we can reconnect." We haven't had an R talk all week, and I am very anxious to learn more about how he thinks things are going, I'm biting my tongue hard to avoid starting a talk now. Less than 24 hours until our counseling appointment, and I know it will be better to wait to have the talk in the session.

[Phoebe]

Act as if the desired outcome will happen, as if the MC session will go well, as if you will be OK regardless of the outcome. That kind of thing. Easier said than done, I know.

I hope that your session with the MC goes well tomorrow, and that you have a very pro-marriage counselor.