Hi Again - Sandi and who ever else may see this - Couple more bits of info: Biggest life stressors lately have been - 1. Me not making enough money for past year or so. 2. The fight/flight pursuer/distancer dynamic- totally stresses him out and I know he now thinks he either has to be alone or he won't have a calm life. 3. Now that I understand this dynamic from the attachment theory point of view - realize I need to make fewer requests for attention and being constantly validated and ideally then, he would initiate connection more. 4. So much of it is understanding each other in terms of what makes us each feel 'connected'. 5. I have been feeling overwhelmed past 6 months-year as I was doing ALL the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. and working about 25-30 hours a week. He kept saying he would help more if I got a fulltime job, but I was so busy doing all this stuff - see what a good little codependent I am? that I rarely had time or energy to look for another job! oh dear Thanks for listening.
I saw your post in the other thread so I thought I'd stop by and say Hi. I had visited your thread before so do know that people are reading when you post. Its just not possible to always reply to everyones posts/threads.
At first glance, it appears you have a WAH. But its strange that he's come around so quickly. Its possible that he really isn't "done" and was maybe just having a bad day and over reacted to your fight. On the other hand "I'm done" is some pretty strong language and doesn't leave much room for interpretation. So I'm going to comment as if he truly is a WAH and what you might should be doing if he is I do see a few red flags. First of all, you are clearly NOT detached. I strongly believe that is the most important thing you need to accomplish and you need to do it first. Its imperative. You are hanging on his every word and action. That has to stop and you need to focus on yourself. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and see what you need to work on. What can you 180? How can you GAL. All of this is important. The next thing is your self admitted codependency issues. You must address that. At a bear minimum, you need to get and read CoDependent No More. What about CODA? Do you have that in your area. Codependency is not good for you, for your H or your MR. That has to be addressed. You haven't "fixed" yourself in just a few short weeks. You've only begun to make the changes you need to make so don't expect him to be seeing the brand new LandC so quickly. Change is hard and takes a lot of effort. Its very strange to me that someone who is "done" is ready to come back so quickly. I've gone from BD to piecing in just 4 short months. That is LIGHT SPEED. These things never turn around that quickly. No two situations are the same but I'm concerned that he is wanting to just walk back into your life after saying he was done a few weeks ago. I also concerned by his comment about wanting to be "friends." You don't want a friend. You want your H. The question is why does he really want to come back? Is it because he's tired of staying with friends or is it because he truly wants to work on the R? I don't know. Only you can figure that out. It just all seems very odd to me after making such a strong stand on the R. I don't think you should be moving to the guest house. I think you should be staying in the MRB. Let him stay in the guest house unless you have a good reason for that arrangement.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Hi Again - Sandi and who ever else may see this - Couple more bits of info:
Biggest life stressors lately have been -
1. Me not making enough money for past year or so.
That I'd for richer or poorer.
2. The fight/flight pursuer/distancer dynamic- totally stresses him out and I know he now thinks he either has to be alone or he won't have a calm life.
Mind reading. This isn't helpful.
3. Now that I understand this dynamic from the attachment theory point of view - realize I need to make fewer requests for attention and being constantly validated and ideally then, he would initiate connection more.
Validation in M is vital. I think you are referring to enabling codependency rather than validating.
4. So much of it is understanding each other in terms of what makes us each feel 'connected'.
Consider learning about your respective time Love Languages.
5. I have been feeling overwhelmed past 6 months-year as I was doing ALL the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. and working about 25-30 hours a week. He kept saying he would help more if I got a fulltime job, but I was so busy doing all this stuff - see what a good little codependent I am? that I rarely had time or energy to look for another job!
Hmmmmm mm really. oh dear Thanks for listening.
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V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi LiM, Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to respond to my post with such detail and thought. A couple answers... Our dynamic is such that when we have a bad escalated fight, which we actually haven't had in a while, he attempts to pull away and I keep going. Typical. This triggers his anger. Duh. He does have a super stressful job in the mental health field, and hasn't been sleeping well, and took a call from a suicidal client AFTER working 10 hours on the night of this fight. And didn't have his evening walk. Meanwhile, I too was tired and had just started with a new therapist and was emotionally raw bla bla bla. So the foundation was laid for a stressful evening from the get go. When he said in his email he is glad 'I want to be friends'I don't know what he means. Most likely some sort of relief - ah, I can just do what I want and she will still like me? Assuages his guilt for leaving? who knows. I want a H!!! you are right.
I have been so detached in my couple emails to him and we have had NO contact via phone or in person. He really has no idea how I am doing!
I know him very very well. He is protecting himself. Even in past after a normal fight, he would get in bed and hide under the covers for a while before he could come out and apologize. He assumes I will pursue and try to get him to talk about the M. Little does he know that this is not at all my intention in the short term. Codependency- I am working on this with my therapist. I am meditating. I am getting my head on straight. Yes, I know I won't change this overnight! I plan to do CODA meetings online as our town is too small. way too small. He said in email - he eventually wanted to talk about 'how to move forward'. Now for all I know he is still stuck on breaking up. Don't know. Could this mean he wants to work on the M? No idea. I doubt this will even occur to him until he is back here and sees our life here and starts to feel lonely sleeping alone every night and his defenses are down. This may take some time.
The reason for me to go to guest house is that he wakes up at 5:30 am and leaves early for work. No shower in guest house. So if I were in house he'd have to come and wake me up! I actually love it so that is not an issue for me.
I spoke with my therapist today about all this. We agreed that in past I wanted more connection all the time and my H was the one who wanted more space. If he comes back and I say I am not ready at all to talk about 'moving forward' whatever that means, and that I need more separate time and space, THAT will be a major 180! He will expect me to want to get right into it. I am just starting to get my sense of self back, and taking a 'good hard look' as you said. I am NOT ready to be put in a position to be triggered into old reactive patterns.
I want to stay focused on what I need, not what he needs. My next challenge is to decide when I feel it's ok for him to return. oh dear. This is a lot to process! I realize I can't change my history of codependent behaviors in 3 weeks! Boundaries? What boundaries! Just telling him last Sunday that I was not ready for him to come back was a BIG deal for me!!!!! yeah! I am willing to be very patient! Thank you for your help!!!!!
You sound like you are leaps ahead than most of us are when we land here, and that's absolutely amazing!
I agree with the others on concentrating on yourself. It's kind of like you are both on your own little journey for a while. And the WAS needs to realise that they can't live without you and actively wants to continue in the r. My h has dipped in and out, all the while I make changes, after he had a PA, I believe I took him back to quick, and he didn't take the journey of realising his own mistakes and contribution to the breakdown in the M that led us to winding back into this situation again.
Keep focused on you, and keep journaling, people will come by and help, but it sounds like you are making a great start!! Honestly leaps ahead of most of us in the early days of our sitchs.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks for providing the additional information. Keep coming here and posting. People are reading and thinking about your situation even though they may not post right away. You seem to be on the right track. Spend this time really focusing on yourself. Try not to put too much stock into what he says or does right now. This is all about you and working on your issues. He's got to work on his own. As things unfold, come here and talk about it. There are lots of people here that will help you through this process.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Hi Cherry, You must be a Brit, right? I saw a 'mum', 'sorted' and 'fancy' in your posts! THank you so much for your kind words. I started reading your posts but very tired now so will have to continue tomorrow. A few people have mentioned that I am 'doing so well' but keep in mind I have not SEEN my husband for 3 weeks! So I am not having to interact with him or confront him or hear much of anything that will trigger me at the moment.
I like what you said about not taking him back too soon. I almost sent him an email this afternoon- and then decided to go for a walk and realized, hey, I don't have to do that until I'm ready and once he's back, he's back. As much as I hate the idea of the stress he is in etc. I am finally starting to think about what will be best for me! Moi, Moi, Moi!!!!! Added bonus, the longer he is away from our home, the more likely he will have opportunity to really ponder things.
He has a very intense and exhausting job and tends to live in his head anyway, so it will take him a lot longer than me to get to that place I think. Plus, I am not confused. I know what I want and now I have the amazing community and help and guidance from DR book and DB coach. He has none of these things. I can't imagine how hard it must have been when your baby was just born. You two are so young. Sounds like your H was too young to be a dad in some ways, as it's a bit immature to think he'd get the same attention from you when you just gave birth as he had beforehand. This is the benefit of being a bit older I suppose. I will catch up on your story tomorrow so I don't say anything mental here and leave you thinking I'm a total nutter. If you are not British, ignore that last line. If you are, Briliant! THANKS for your time and thoughts. obviously I watch too much BBC.
I'm half and half, part Latina part Brit. So my terms dip in and out of cultures. He is definitely a bit immature and when he came back the last time he did admit we became parents very soon, and as much as he loves baby, it was all rather sudden and he felt a bit neglected. Though part of the history re-writing he will deny and admit this depending on if he's tuned in or out.
In a way perhaps not seeing him helped, I just came back from Paris with a girlfriend and I found the break helped me to gain focus and just be me a few days, not a parent or wife. And it so helped
I'm really proud to read your strength, it's like an inner voice wants to grab them with both hands. But they really need to realise and miss us and get a sense of what they have done and said. Good on you girl!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hi Cherry - you are my DB soul sister I think! PARIS - now that will ALWAYS make me remember who I am! Where did you stay, what did you do? Do you live in the UK? I lived in Paris 3 times - almost 4 years total - I am a manic Francophile...Actually have thought of going there myself soon to stay with a friend and get back to feeling like myself. I said to my therapist yesterday - If I can move to Paris ALONE at the age of 18, I'm sure I can handle this situation. Good for you for taking that break and going with a girlfriend. that sounds lovely. So I'm not clear, is your husband back with you now? Is there hope? Sorry if these answers are in your posts but I haven't read them all yet. I was feeling strong until last night when I found out my H is planning on getting an SUV vehicle instead of a truck. We had planned to get a truck together to be able to work on a renovation project of our guest house, and that has been a stressor in past months dealing with one car where we live out in the sticks. Felt really sad and it seemed to suddenly symbolize to me that he is planning his life alone and not with me. I had to listen to some DB videos and Marianne Williamson to calm down and get to sleep. So happy to meet you and will read more of your story!
I know for sure my H hasn't had the time or space to even begin to really feel what's in his heart. He tends to go into his head when things are stressful. THANKS Cherry
Oh that's so cool, I am a fellow traveller, lived in America, Spain and now uk. Paris would be a dream to live in! That's great that you have lived there alone at such a young age- you sound very similar to me.
Paris was a great head clearer, I stayed right by the Eiffel Tower, I had a lovely suite with a stunning view, I would sit on the balcony in the dark at night just watching the tower, the lights and the people go by.
My h still lives with me, sleeps in the same bed. But emotionally is seperated. There's times I have a glimmer of hope, his LL is acts of service, and he has begun doing things around the home, but he doesn't talk to me- at all and barely looks at me. I would love for him to be back as we have always been very much in love, but I'm getting to the mindset that I will be just fine by myself. Things like his getting an SUV can hurt, when my h took everything out of his car to do with baby like babys seat, that hurt but I think it's part of the crisis. He is also looking into changing the 4x4 we got as a family car to a sleek sporty car. Again I feel it's just part of his crisis, all I can do is step aside and let him deal with this madness, and I will look after me and baby.
Sleep is always tricky to start, it's only since my vacay that I have slept- I now have my power tunes to get me through- strong woman songs!
You are doing great though
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
