She doesn't know either - that's why even though she made the decision 9 months ago to be a WAW. It wasn't until her unintentional A that she actually told me she was leaving. She still doesn't know how/where and it's my belief that she decided this because she felt that I would never forgive an A and didn't know what else to do.
We're both in quite a fog right now. She hasn't had a chance to think since the bomb about me knowing that the A is happening. That stripped away the cover over her shame - and yes - I truly believe that she is ashamed. Since then she's been away except for a couple of days. Because of the sort of person I am (researches everything to the nth degree) I came to this forum which seems to have some of the best DB advice out there. Perhaps I came too early? I'm hoping to turn this around before it gets moving too fast towards D. Once we go that far, our family will be torn apart, her reputation will be ruined and we'll have lost all that we've built together. Our love, our family, our home.
So - I'm working on GAL and have told her that I'm giving her space. One big thing that I've learned on this forum is that we have the gift of time and starting just as we stand on the threshold of a decision is better than after we've crossed through the door. Because of that I don't want to make any choices that will push her through that doorway but if she chooses of her own free will to walk that path then I will let her go and bring things to an end on my part.
If we go far enough along the path to separation then yes - I will fully disengage but I feel that if we've gone that far then I've completely lost her. There is no reason for her to notice me or contact me that I can think of after that point.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I haven't read your whole situation, but i going to advise you to shut down all social media ave. For your sanity. I'm telling you this from experience.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Andrew, I think you are mind-reading and assuming too much about what she is thinking. One thing I've learned from this forum is not to believe what a WW says and only half of what she is doing. It has proved to be true time and again. You are confusing Detaching with Disengaging. Detaching does not mean you ignore and shun her. You can read up about it in Cadet's threads. I'm learning the difference myself.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Thank you everyone for your comments. I must admit that I was getting rather riled up that everyone seemed to be telling me that I was wrong. One thing I need to practice more is believing I'm wrong. That's probably part of what ended me up on this board in the first place.
CWOL - you are exactly correct. I "am" mind-reading and assuming. Social media is not something I'm intending on giving up on but I will continue to work on engaging with the rest of the world and not her. I think part of what I've been doing is exactly what I shouldn't be doing which is waving in her face the "I've changed!" "I'm a viable human being with a life!" thing - but using online tools.
Thank you all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew... Have you read the books?? I think Sandi could give you some good advice. By the way, having an "unintential affair" sounds pretty wayward too me. Best of luck
She doesn't know either - that's why even though she made the decision 9 months ago to be a WAW. It wasn't until her unintentional A that she actually told me she was leaving. She still doesn't know how/where and it's my belief that she decided this because she felt that I would never forgive an A and didn't know what else to do.
I must have missed your story about an "unintentional A". But to quote Eminem, "Wait! What if there's an explanation for this [censored]? (What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his [censored]?!)" Im not saying you cant and shouldnt forgive her. But no affair happens by accident.
And just because she doesnt have all of the details down yet, still doesnt mean she's lost. Shes going to keep barreling down the path to "freedom", regardless of logistics. She's only focused on the 2 feet in front of her....not the path miles down the road.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Perhaps I came too early? I'm hoping to turn this around before it gets moving too fast towards D. Once we go that far, our family will be torn apart, her reputation will be ruined and we'll have lost all that we've built together. Our love, our family, our home.
Came too early? Your W has already had an affair. This may or may not result in divorce, but you both have a ton of work to do to heal from this.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
So - I'm working on GAL and have told her that I'm giving her space. One big thing that I've learned on this forum is that we have the gift of time and starting just as we stand on the threshold of a decision is better than after we've crossed through the door. Because of that I don't want to make any choices that will push her through that doorway but if she chooses of her own free will to walk that path then I will let her go and bring things to an end on my part.
1) I would stop making these grand proclamations about your actions. Just do them. She isnt going to give you a gold star for telling her these things. Telling her why you do things is pursuing; it's you wanting acknowledgment for doing things.
2) Dont think that your actions are going to push her anywhere. You arent going to "nice guy" her back. But some words to live by:
Patience. Consistency. Patience.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
If we go far enough along the path to separation then yes - I will fully disengage but I feel that if we've gone that far then I've completely lost her. There is no reason for her to notice me or contact me that I can think of after that point.
This is your fear talking. Youre going to have to fully let her go in order for her to come back.
Actually glad he wrote it all, saved me from writing!
Seriously though. Everyone of us has been right where you are in the beginning. We think we are not the same as all the other situations here and we can fix this before we get there. I hope for your sake you can, but not by making proclamations and then believving everything she is telling you. WAS want to let things happen but not seem to blame. f they slow play things they can act like they tried.
Follow the advice here. Please
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
