GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[Sotto]

Hi Rose, I think you are spot on with the goals. To me, the examples MWD gives are more like 'signs of progress.' Because if you set a goal - I want my H and I to have a phone convo this month - it takes two...and if someone's H is MIA or doesn't want to speak by phone....well...

So, do make your goals all about you and how you want to live your life moving forward - whether or not he wants to return. I think goals can also be about not making things worse though - ie: my goal is to not initiate any R talk during the whole of May etc.

But I think the best goals are all about you - what social things will you do? Study? Financials? Parental? Friendships? Work....regardless of him, what do you want to do in these areas?

And I think if you achieve your own goals and are generally happy in your life, healthy, enjoying work and with good friendships - well those things make you attractive - both to yourself, others and possibly your H!

I have a pretty, small notebook and whenever a goal occurs to me, I write it on a page. Then I make a few notes under it....what first steps can I take and so on. Then I tick off the small steps when I make them. I have 15 or so goals in there and they include things like - keep in touch with old friends, be a good friend to my SS, buy a new car, do one new GAL activity each month - and so on. The goals are a bit general, but then my steps are specific. Get car valeted, list it on X website, get finances in place, test drive X car and so on....

Hope this helps anyway xx

[SH_]

Hi Rose,

I agree with your thoughts. I wanted to share with bigybiz something to that effect, but was unable to formulate the thought. Your post expresses it it perfectly IMHO.

Bigybiz, I think keeping the goals small, focused on your behavior with just a hint of what the relationship would move towards will be the best way to set the goals.

I love that you are setting goals, and will follow you, as I am at a point that I will be setting my own and ideas and feedback will benefit.

Thank you for sharing and seeking advice here.

[sandi2]

In DR, I think the book is geared to couples who are willing, or at least considering, saving the M. If I remember correctly, MWD tells readers in several places that if infidelity is involved, to start with chapter ten, first. And if the spouse has said they want a D and is unwilling to save the M.....then go to the Last Resort Technique.

The examples in the chapter about goal setting, were couples that were mainly working together to prevent divorce. There was a couple who were S, but no mention of an active A was mentioned.

The topic of waywardness was not in her book. She did write about the WAW, infidelity, and other issues.

If your W is unwilling to act as a team and set joint goals to improve the MR, then you can only set goals about what you can do as an individual, instead of doing it as a couple.

So, looking back at what you want in the MR, you said:

1. I want W to move to share the bedroom with me
2. I want her to spend time with me - talking, sharing, planning,
3. I would like us to be able to work together, compromise, share, etc
4. I would like W to make our relationship and family her #1 priority and her interests/Work 2nd
5. I would like us to be a couple do things together, make friends, go to church, etc - Other common interests - business, politics, technology, music, tv, movies, etc
6. I would like to have a physical, affectionate, sexual relationship
7. I would like W to take part in our family activities - sports, church, etc

Considering she is unwilling to work with you, and the two of you do not want the same things, and you can't control her.........what can you do to make this list become a reality?

[bigybiz]

Rose888.

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. I wish I could offer some useful thoughts. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is confused by the goals section.

I too am confused by the detachment section too. I find it hard to be detached but still have my 'radar" on for changes in her attitude/behavior etc.

[bigybiz]

Sotto:

Thanks for your post. Good for you on your notebook. I too have a list like that. I'm sure Sandi2, Cadet, MWD, etc would take issues with my list as many of them are things that I want to do and I hope will knock my W out of her detachment e.g. House repairs, activities I up to, things I do with the kids.

You are stronger than me - I would be a mess if I did not have daily contact with my W. My mind is my worst enemy.

Good luck

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for the post - as usual you have slapped some sense into me.

OK so goals may not be practical. I have to stick with my GAL/180/LRT. I do think I've had some success as she is now talking to me about non surface things. I think it also helps that she got her dream job - so her mindset maybe a little different.

I'll give some thought to how I can take my BIG Goals and break them down. I tell you the best thing that has happened to me on this path is get your advice. Your suggestions on Melo's post were game changers. Any and all pointers on how to change the dynamics are very welcome e.g. eye contact.

My confidence has skyrocketed over the past few weeks due to many factors. I'm guessing much of it has to do with the fact that I'm quite happy with the changes I've been making in my life.

If you have some examples of achievable goals in my sit - I'd love to hear them.

[sandi2]

Well thanks, and you are very encouraging!

So about goals, before you can make goals as a couple, you need to set goals for yourself. How would you like to improve yourself as a man? How do you want others to perceive what kind of man you are......by the way you carry yourself, in your manly voice and the tone you use. How do they see you address issues. What type of man do they see when you enter a room? What does your body language tell them?

If you need to change or improve any of the above, then make it your private and personal project. Google it, and see what you can find.

I think it would serve you to study about what woman find attractive in men. Sometimes after a rough time in the MR, we just need a refresher course.

Your confidence is higher, which is excellent! I believe you should include researching material on how to maintain that level of confidence, not only for yourself.........but b/c that is usually number one on the attraction list that women find in men. And when I say women....I mean your wife, most of all.

Before setting goals, you have to know what you want. So, instead of looking at your W, the moment, look at yourself and how you can become a more attractive manly man. You may not understand how this would help your relationship, but think of it as building from the foundation up. You are the foundation.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for the tips. I will do the homework. In the stormy days my W told me that she fell for me because I was a bad boy. I guess 20 years, 3 kids, jobs, house, etc - the bad boy slips away. I'll have to find out how to get him out of retirement. For me my confidence has grown since I've been taking charge of a few things i.e. house repairs, how I spend my time, activities with the family.

As I've said earlier we have spent some time recently talking about non surface issues. Mainly money, house, kids. But, we have drifted into the Relationship talk i.e. who did what, why did I do that, etc, etc. But, we are talking.

In DR MWD says if you are LRT correctly you could see some results in a week or two i.e. genuine interest, sharing, friendliness, etc.

Here is my question. She has started her dream job. So for the last few days she has been sharing what has been happening and she loves it. Am I being played? Is she just sharing with me because she is in a good mood. Should I consider this progress? Or is she just using me as some kind of emotional bus stop. Getting on and off whenever she feels like it. I've been trying to listen and validate. But, if this is the wrong approach - it might backfire right?

Let me know your thoughts?

[Melo]

Hey thanks for this thread biz, I am not doing a great job at setting goals and the info here is invaluable at helping me do that. As far as your last questions, I think you are focusing too much on her and trying to mind read. Focus on you brother, you got this.

[sandi2]

I think young women are attracted to the "bad boy" image, not b/c he is bad or that he does bad things. She is attracted to his sense of being in charge of himself and not submitting to the pressure of someone else. She loves his self-confidence and how he projects that confidence in every fiber of his makeup. She is drawn to him like a magnet b/c he does not take any of her cr@p, won't play her games, and won't be manipulated. To women, it shows he is in charge, and that's a sense of power that females admire.

Here is my question. She has started her dream job. So for the last few days she has been sharing what has been happening and she loves it. Am I being played? Is she just sharing with me because she is in a good mood. Should I consider this progress? Or is she just using me as some kind of emotional bus stop. Getting on and off whenever she feels like it. I've been trying to listen and validate. But, if this is the wrong approach - it might backfire right?

If she has always shared her excitement with you, then I believe she is doing what feels natural. I wouldn't say you are being played, b/c I do not see it as manipulation. Most women like to verbally share whatever is new and exciting........and you are "there" for her emotional bus stop. (Haven't heard that term, but it is fitting).

I suggest you simply listen, smile, and validate. I do not see this as a step in progress toward the MR, b/c she is just doing what she's always done.......which is talking about herself, except instead of negative talk, it is upbeat, excited talk. Progress in the MR, is when she responds to something you are doing in DBing. Her getting a dream job will not likely solve the issues she has in her heart about the MR. So, have no expectations and read nothing into her emotional "high". Her mood will probably be lighter a few days, and you will enjoy the break in tension. Just accept it for what it is, and read no more into it.

Does this explain the difference from what MWD says about the spouse responding to the LRT?