Wife files divorce after I confronted her 2nd EA

[Dawgs]

[quote][I guess what I'm saying is, how do I make myself not get bothered by these things, and let them fall off me? How do I apply myself so I don't obsess over things I cannot control?

It sounds very simple and easy but it is so hard to do in real life, isn't it?
/quote]

That is the question of the century. This is by far the most painful, stressful, and whatever else you want to call it time.

Trying not to think of things has the opposite effect, at least it does for me, anyway. When someone was the major part of your life - and especially if you were betrayed - it's going to sit on you like a ton of bricks for a long, long time. I thought this time while my W was at the new base would make it easier, but that's also had the opposite affect.

By far the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And it doesn't get easier. Ugh.

[CWOL]

Thanks Jeep, Vapo, rd500,GWH, Rose888, and SadHub for your support. You are right, this is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through, bar none.

Do you think I should still ask WW about her meeting OM last week? And tell her my boundaries on it, i.e. that reconciliation is only possible if she has NC with OM, and that PA would be a deal breaker? Or at this point, should I just leave it alone since we're two months into the D cycle (takes minimum of 6 months to complete in my state).

[CWOL]

Trying not to think of things has the opposite effect, at least it does for me, anyway. When someone was the major part of your life - and especially if you were betrayed - it's going to sit on you like a ton of bricks for a long, long time. I thought this time while my W was at the new base would make it easier, but that's also had the opposite affect.

Thinking of something else, i.e. work, does take the stress off of me temporarily. However, it comes back with any trigger, as our family items are all around me.

I need to take the GAL advice and start a disciplined gym regime. So far I've been doing brisk walks during breaks at work, and practicing baseball with S11's team a couple times a week. Because we are going on the 2-2-3 custody schedule, it will take some planning to make sure my gym/personal trainer schedule matches S11's schedule.

WW told me she will move out this Saturday.

[Vapo]

Did she recommit to you? What assurances did she give?

[CWOL]

Did she recommit to you? What assurances did she give?

No, she has not. I guess I should just leave it alone, it'll just piss her off since she probably believes we are no longer "married" after she filed for D.

[doodler]

CWOL,

I'm sorry about all of the stuff that's going on with your wife. I think my wife is quickly approaching move out day. I dread that, but I'm fairly certain it's going to happen.

I hope you're taking care of yourself mentally and physically.

I was just talking to my boss about some of this divorce stuff. He went though a divorce a while back (she's back with him now). He said, "You just have to view it like a blip in the road. Things will be a lot better a year or two later." That's easier said than done, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.

[Dawgs]

Why would you ask her about meeting with the OM? Do you think she will tell you the truth?

[CWOL]

Why would you ask her about meeting with the OM? Do you think she will tell you the truth?

No, I was not rational in thinking that if she knew I knew, she would stop. I'm sure she won't, she'll lie again and do it behind everyone's back. Her mom is disgusted by OM so I'm sure she won't tell her either.

[CWOL]

I hope you're taking care of yourself mentally and physically.

I was just talking to my boss about some of this divorce stuff. He went though a divorce a while back (she's back with him now). He said, "You just have to view it like a blip in the road. Things will be a lot better a year or two later." That's easier said than done, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.

I'm physically fine, actually in better shape than I've been in a while (lost 20 pounds because of stress). It's the mental stuff that's messing me up right now.

Yes, sometimes it's good to talk to people. But I've already talked to everyone I could about it, and they get tired of the story... Even the friends that are well meaning I can tell avoid talking about it to me. In the beginning they would ping me with concerns every few days. But now, five months down the road people are tired of it.

Also, when I went to DivorceCare I told the story it felt good to get it off my chest. But lately the more I repeat the story, I feel hurt, especially when I tell it verbally. I read in one of the DivorceCare newsletters to write a brief version of the story so I don't have to repeat it several times a week, hurting myself each time.

[sandi2]

Have you tried googling about "steps to emotional detaching"? Some places have a lot of explanations of what detaching is and why it is important, but there are a few that give you steps. I think that is what you were seeking.

As an outsider, I see a lot of anger and frustration over the things you want to control and can't. It acts as a hook that pulls at you.

As unfair as all of this has been for you, I think you are going to have to accept the things you can't change or control. It doesn't mean you have to love it, but it is what it is and you can get mad enough to have a heart attack and it won't solve anything for you. I know, it's easy for this ole former WW to say, and much harder to actually do it.

I would hate to see you live the rest of your life in bitterness and hatred over something that your W has done to you. I've seen a lot of people do that very thing, b/c they would not go of it. Don't let her rob your peace and happiness. Let her go. Let go of this mess and stop trying to force her to do what you want.

She is moving out Saturday, and she is in the process of divorcing you. Why are you still trying to control her contacting OM? You can tell her you have a "boundary", but what the heck does she care if it crosses your boundary? What are you going to do if she contacts OM? At this point, what could you possibly give as a consequence for her not honoring your boundary that would matter to her? Let go of the control!