Wife files divorce after I confronted her 2nd EA

[sandi2]

Exactly what feelings are you trying to detach from?

The D is showing what a terrible person your W has become. Okay, so what kind of feelings do you have about her greed and lack of remorse? Are you obsessed with it? If so, it is controlling your life at the moment.

How do I detach myself from these feelings when I get waves and waves of them thrown at me, every time I have to read one of their briefs? T

Wave of them thrown at you. By "them", I assume you mean feelings? Nobody can force feelings on you. Only one person has charge of how you will feel. That power belongs to YOU, and only you. So when you say how can I detach when I am getting them thrown at me............you are sounding as if you have no options, and all these feelings are forced down your throat.

Their RFO's are always full of accusations that are untrue or amplified to make me look back.

Well YOU know the accusations are false, right? Is there anything you can do about her false accusations? You have a lawyer to handle the legalities. If there is nothing to gain or there is nothing you can do to change it......let it go and stop allowing it to have power over you. But don't hang your head and cry as though you are a whipped dog. Handle yourself with dignity and know that you did not sell out your integrity. You know the truth, and in time, so will the people that really matter the most.

Also, suppose our D is finalized. I still have to see her twice a week. Some people have suggested that I let S11 walk from her car to my door, or drop him off to walk to her apartment. I don't think it's realistic when we have S11 intertwining our lives forever, whether it's school, piano recitals, etc.

That is b/c you don't want to see it any other way. It can be done, b/c I see it being done every single day by people around me. But even if you do see her twice a week, what does that have to with you detaching? Hey, it's easy when we are never around anyone or anything that bother us. However, we better know how to apply it, b/c sooner or later it happens, and we will be challenged about how we choose to handle it.

Go back and carefully read about what Cadet sent you about detaching. I think you may recognize yourself.

[CWOL]

Very good points, Sandi! This 2X4 got to me.
I went back and read Cadet's links and I do recognize myself in it. I need help getting out of that mentality, however. I am taking everything thrown at me and internalizing it. I saw this whenever I read the briefs, talk to WW, etc. I take exactly what they write/say at face value, and feel it's a direct attack on ME. Even if I know what they are about to say, I still react with anger and emotions when I hear/read it.
It is easy to identify the problem, but how do I fix myself? It's good there are so many examples for Detachment, but I think I am far too emotional right now to be able to Detach effectively. Before all of this happened, I was a calm and collected person. Now I am an emotional mess.
How do I learn to detach effectively? I read the words on the post and they make sense to me. How do I force myself to not get angry and emotional with every challenge or trigger? Just by saying "I will detach and not let X get to me" and establishing a boundary for it doesn't guarantee that will happen.

[Dawgs]

Right there with you, CWOL. Detaching is much easier said than done. Heck, there are days, maybe even a week or two, that I am right as rain, but then there are times when it really gets to me. Now happens to be one of those times. Getting this stuff all together for the D has been really tough on me and the bad thing is that I don't know how to suppress it. When the kids are home i have no problem, it's the night time that is the worst...

[CWOL]

Sandi,
I guess what I'm saying is, how do I make myself not get bothered by these things, and let them fall off me? How do I apply myself so I don't obsess over things I cannot control?

It sounds very simple and easy but it is so hard to do in real life, isn't it?

[CWOL]

Right there with you, CWOL. Detaching is much easier said than done. Heck, there are days, maybe even a week or two, that I am right as rain, but then there are times when it really gets to me. Now happens to be one of those times. Getting this stuff all together for the D has been really tough on me and the bad thing is that I don't know how to suppress it. When the kids are home i have no problem, it's the night time that is the worst...

Exactly. I have the same problems at night, and even at work. This is why my sleep has been terrible these last few days. As my WW plans to move out, I am obsessing over that fact and about people's actions I have no control over. When I wake up at night, I have terrible, terrible thoughts. I don't know how to unwind myself from these things. I just get very angry about the matter and my mind becomes an echo chamber of "how could you" repeated over and over again to my WW.

[Vapo]

Just preoccupy your mind with something else. Physical exercise does wonders, hiking in nature being the tops. If you live in a big city, getting out in nature might not be an option, but there are gyms everywhere and signing up is the way to go. Endorphine release is the name of the game...

What worked for me was hiking in the hills where I was able so scream and not be institutionalized. You have to get your anger out, you have to battle your depression, you have to fix you, the pieces of you into a new you, a better you, it is the perfect opportunity... Learn about stages of grieving, recognize where you are at, do not deny it...

Being where you are now [censored], but it is also a golden opportunity. One thing I can promise is that it does get better, it just takes time and working on yourself. Time to do some self reflection, embrace your faults and love yourself. Get out, get in shape, buy some new clothes, change a lifestyle (and no, do not get a red corvette, 3 pounds of gold chains and wear unbuttoned shirts...

[rd500]

Hi OWOL, I hope it's ok to post , GAL is good for moving your focus from your sitch , hobbies and mindfulness help and acceptance of what is. You can't change W and accepting that can really move you forward. The pain of this will subside with time but getting yourself a busy life full of tithings that you enjoy will help that passing of time greatly

Just my humble opinion Take care. Rd

[GWH]

CWOL,

I know exactly where your coming from brother. Detaching is easier said than done. It just takes time. This whole process takes time. It works a little different for all of us some quicker than others. I have found that keeping myself busy really helps, or at night when on down time i just try to replace those thoughts with positive ones. My D will be final in aug., and she is in a relationship with 2nd OM so yeah it's tough. Hang in there brother. We are all here for ya.

[Rose888]

My IC and I talked about this at my last session. She recommended mindfulness techniques as a way of dealing with the panic and fear. Just focus on what I am feeling physically, seeing, hearing, on my breath.

It seemed to help last night.

[SH_]

CWOL

Wanted to thank you for checking in on my thread and the support. I don't have much advice to add that has not already been shared with you, but know I feel your pain as I struggle with the same challenges you mention. V says it's like a washing machine where the clothes get tangled up. Check my thread for a better description.

Anyway hang in there, I am pulling for you and want to lend my support as well as let you know that you are in my prayers.

Do something good for yourself today and force a smile even if you don't feel like it as it does help.

And hug your son, that contact and the love you have for him can provide some strength.