Not sure where to go from here

[inpain]

Hey, IP. You've been so kind to drop in and check on me- I thought I'd return the favor. I can see how much stronger you are in your posts![/quote

Ciluzen, hi! I am so happy to hear from you on my thread again, I've missed you!

[quote=Ciluzen]

It might be time to get tough. Do you think you are ready?

Am I ready? I'm not sure, but I do know that I have had enough of the situation as it stands, so I guess that makes me ready!

Go ahead and do the "dirty work" as your mum said. So he files for D and blames you. "Pushing him" to not be a lump in the chair and actually step up to being a parent isn't really legit grounds for D. Anyway, how is that so different than now? He'll still have a schedule and have to support his family. The gestures of doing the workbook and "dating" must mean something to him or he wouldn't even attempt it. Setting up a schedule and not being a doormat might just wake up the respect for you that he seems to be missing. Of course he might lash out like a spoiled brat forced to clean his room first, but what have you got to lose? Him?

You are right, nothing will really change if I do 'push' other than I will stop being a doormat and he will no longer be able to cake eat. I also think you're right about the workbook and 'dating', I think they do mean something to him, but I just do not like his half-heartedness towards them. I really do think I deserve better than someone who cannot make up his mind about me in 6 months despite me being the mother of his children!

I, personally, would love to see you take the reins in this situation and drive HIS cart for a bit. I think you are strong enough.

I really want to Ciluzen, I think about it constantly and I think the problem I have is that I'm not really sure how to do it but it still be in a DBing way - or maybe there isn't such a thing as doing it in a DBing way. It will be 6 months on Monday since he walked out and I am ready for a change in circumstances. He calls all the shots and the kids and I just dance to his tune. I need to change that!

[inpain]

IP I fully agree with Ciluzen, I think you need to drive the car now. I fully understand how scared you might be, but I guess for your own sake you have to do it. I was dreading to go for separation but I didn't have the choice as once my house sold there would have been nothing that I could have used as leverage. I was worried that it'd ruin my change of saving my M, it hasn't as nothing has changed.

What could be the worst case scenario? He has ready left you, him filing for divorce I'm not too sure as it costs a lot, even if he does you are already living separately so it's a kind of D isn't it?
Think about your kids and it affects them, and how it affects you. You are the most important person right now, and I'd not be so harsh if I didn't consider you as a friend. Please do what is right for you at the present moment.

Thinking of you (((((((hugs))))))))

Aww, thank you Rouky! I consider you to be a friend too. I couldn't have got through the last few months without our 'chats' on here. I know you and Ciluzen are right, and I feel a need to take some kind of action now myself. I'm just not sure how to go about it in a DBing way, but as I just mentioned above in my reply to Ciluzen, maybe there isn't a way to do it the DBing way?! Every time he comes round now he makes it unpleasant. It feels like the kids too are fed up of him turning up, sitting around and then leaving to go to bed. They know it is not how any of their friend's divorced parents behave. I just don't know what to do about it as I don't want the kids to see it as Daddy was starting to come back but Mummy pushed him away. Ugh, this is all so hard and tiring on the brain! I am not sleeping well the last few weeks because I clench my teeth in my sleep when I'm stressed - I am so stressed I almost wake up with lock-jaw!

[ciluzen]

How to do it in a DBing way?

1) Set boundaries. That IS DBing. That includes setting a schedule, setting personal boundaries, and (since HE left the house)making sure he asks permission to enter the house. He should not come and go as he pleases. That is not healthy for you or your children. If your boundaries cannot be accepted, there needs to be consequences. Change the locks. If support is withheld, pursue a legal agreement. Check into legal means to back up your boundaries.

2) Focus on you. Also DBing. What are YOU comfortable with? What decreases YOUR stress in this situation? This is not a time to worry about what he thinks or what he will do in response to your actions. This is about you. What do you want?

3) You can do these things cheerfully, firmly, and calmly. Show your strength through your quiet resolve. If he defends his actions or protests yours, validate his feelings; but tell him, "this is what I need to feel secure about this situation". Don't worry about him. This is for you.

4)Don't make speeches, fight about it, or allow his behavior to affect your behavior. Validate and let things flow like water off of a duck's back.

DBing is actually simple in theory. Validate feelings without always agreeing with him. Remain calm (or "Don't Panic!"), cheerful and upbeat IN HIS PRESENCE. Don't pressure or pursue. Don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do (easy to do if you are focused on you, not them).Focus on you and your needs. Set boundaries. GAL (again, focus on you, not him). Live in the present, not the past...be mindful of the future but not fearful of what hasn't happened yet. All of this will help you detach.

You know all of this.

[inpain]

Thanks so much for this post Ciluzen, I really feel like I need some direction and someone to 'hold my hand' through this!

How to do it in a DBing way?

1) Set boundaries. That IS DBing. That includes setting a schedule, setting personal boundaries, and (since HE left the house)making sure he asks permission to enter the house. He should not come and go as he pleases. That is not healthy for you or your children. If your boundaries cannot be accepted, there needs to be consequences. Change the locks. If support is withheld, pursue a legal agreement. Check into legal means to back up your boundaries.

I do see what you're saying here, and it kind of makes sense, do I just sit him down and say to him that this isn't working for me and I want him to come round less? It seems like it would be pushing him away when he was 'possibly' taking steps towards a reconciliation? (I say possibly because there have been no words of affirmation of this so far). I've looked into changing the locks and that is illegal here while he is still named on the mortgage so cannot do that if it came to it.

2) Focus on you. Also DBing. What are YOU comfortable with? What decreases YOUR stress in this situation? This is not a time to worry about what he thinks or what he will do in response to your actions. This is about you. What do you want?

Right now him not being here decreases my stress. The kids and I are so happy and carefree when he is not around. He only has to be in the door ten minutes and he is onto one of us about something petty and changes the atmosphere. I don't know how he ever got so grouchy! The trouble is, I put my needs below the kids' I suppose. I just don't want to see them hurt any more than they already are and it feels like I would be the bad guy if I tell H he can't come in the house any more. This is my main stumbling block to being more assertive I think.

I don't foresee a problem with me remaining cheerful, firm and calm - I have been that for months now (yay me!) but I know H well and can already picture him flying off the handle, I think this puts me off too.

[quote=Ciluzen]4)Don't make speeches, fight about it, or allow his behavior to affect your behavior. Validate and let things flow like water off of a duck's back.

OK, most of these I'm absolutely 100% sure I can and will do, except the 'don't make speeches' bit. How do I change the route we/I am on without making some kind of speech to him about wanting to change the way he sees the kids?

I feel I am doing great at GAL. I am so busy and genuinely happy when H is not around. H was a no show today (again on a weekend day off - hmmm) but we didn't actually miss him and the kids didn't mention him or ask why he hadn't come round! D had a dance class this morning and S and I had a different activity at the same time that we do together. Then we came home for lunch and the kids had some down time on their games while I cut the grass - proud of myself for that, because it is usually H that does it and I managed to refill and start the mower! It is no mean feat cutting the grass - our garden is huge! Whilst cutting the grass and walking backwards and forwards to empty the grass box I noticed all the empty pots and decided we needed to brighten the place up for summer. So the kids and I went to a garden centre and chose plants together. It was quite late when we got back so I only managed to plant the front garden ones but plan on doing the rest tomorrow. Then we've had a lovely cosy evening together before they went to bed. Going to do some crafting now in my craft room before bed. Pretty good day!

[focus22]

That sounds so lovely, looking after your garden like that x

[Rouky]

IP you are going so well. I'm proud of you. You have more strength than you think. Could you go out while H is at the house? Not very single day but a couple of days a week? Enjoy the rest of this lovely weekend.

[Irish M]

Hi IP
You are doing amazing.. That feeling of being happy when your H is not around is great. You are doing things for you and your kids and detaching.

Once you put those bounderies in place of schedualed visits you will avoid a lot of stress. The fear of you pushing him away is just that a fear. You want H to want to do the work needed for him to want to reconcile. You don't want him to just fall into place and nothing was learned from all this.

It's Mother's Day here in Canada, I'll wish you happy Mother's Day because you are a great mom.

Irish

[ciluzen]

Thanks so much for this post Ciluzen, I really feel like I need some direction and someone to 'hold my hand' through this!

How to do it in a DBing way?

1) Set boundaries. That IS DBing. That includes setting a schedule, setting personal boundaries, and (since HE left the house)making sure he asks permission to enter the house. He should not come and go as he pleases. That is not healthy for you or your children. If your boundaries cannot be accepted, there needs to be consequences. Change the locks. If support is withheld, pursue a legal agreement. Check into legal means to back up your boundaries.

I do see what you're saying here, and it kind of makes sense, do I just sit him down and say to him that this isn't working for me and I want him to come round less? It seems like it would be pushing him away when he was 'possibly' taking steps towards a reconciliation? (I say possibly because there have been no words of affirmation of this so far). I've looked into changing the locks and that is illegal here while he is still named on the mortgage so cannot do that if it came to it.

Well, bummer on the lock changing. No, don't sit him down. No, don't tell him what you "want". Tell him what you NEED. In front of him. While standing. It is not a discussion, its a statement. You are taking the keys from a drunk driver and you are driving the car now.

2) Focus on you. Also DBing. What are YOU comfortable with? What decreases YOUR stress in this situation? This is not a time to worry about what he thinks or what he will do in response to your actions. This is about you. What do you want?

Right now him not being here decreases my stress. The kids and I are so happy and carefree when he is not around. He only has to be in the door ten minutes and he is onto one of us about something petty and changes the atmosphere. I don't know how he ever got so grouchy! The trouble is, I put my needs below the kids' I suppose. I just don't want to see them hurt any more than they already are and it feels like I would be the bad guy if I tell H he can't come in the house any more. This is my main stumbling block to being more assertive I think.

I just realized how dissatisfied and negative my H is with every aspect of his life right now...this weekend. It isn't even just me he's upset with anymore. Its everything in his life. Trust me. This can get worse...and its not just you. You are not the bad guy...and he, deep down, probably knows it. Or will figure it out. So, be assertive and don't stumble at all. Its a consequence of his actions, not a character flaw in you.

I don't foresee a problem with me remaining cheerful, firm and calm - I have been that for months now (yay me!) but I know H well and can already picture him flying off the handle, I think this puts me off too.

Why wouldn't it put you off, LOL!? What an incredibly NORMAL human response to someone flying off the handle! See, there's nothing wrong with you. Practice no response, or at maximum, validation with no "but" followed by you turning away and disengaging. Validation, such as "I understand this is upsetting to you." Aaaand....scene.

[quote=Ciluzen]4)Don't make speeches, fight about it, or allow his behavior to affect your behavior. Validate and let things flow like water off of a duck's back.

OK, most of these I'm absolutely 100% sure I can and will do, except the 'don't make speeches' bit. How do I change the route we/I am on without making some kind of speech to him about wanting to change the way he sees the kids?

I feel I am doing great at GAL. I am so busy and genuinely happy when H is not around. H was a no show today (again on a weekend day off - hmmm) but we didn't actually miss him and the kids didn't mention him or ask why he hadn't come round! D had a dance class this morning and S and I had a different activity at the same time that we do together. Then we came home for lunch and the kids had some down time on their games while I cut the grass - proud of myself for that, because it is usually H that does it and I managed to refill and start the mower! It is no mean feat cutting the grass - our garden is huge! Whilst cutting the grass and walking backwards and forwards to empty the grass box I noticed all the empty pots and decided we needed to brighten the place up for summer. So the kids and I went to a garden centre and chose plants together. It was quite late when we got back so I only managed to plant the front garden ones but plan on doing the rest tomorrow. Then we've had a lovely cosy evening together before they went to bed. Going to do some crafting now in my craft room before bed. Pretty good day!

Hey, IP! Happy Mother's Day! Is that just a U.S. and Canada thing? It shouldn't be. I think I will take an idea from you and get some flowers for the front walk with my younger D today. I have a few empty pots to fill.

As for not making speeches? Just don't. I'm a speech maker. I'm obviously wordy. But my 180 has been to just make statements to my H when I want him to actually hear me. Otherwise, I find that as has happened over the years, he expects the speech and tunes me out. All of it. So...look him in the eye with a small smile/ pleasant look to your face (practice in the mirror) and then make a brief, to the point statement. Follow that with a big smile and a, "I am very firm on this. I hope you understand I feel its best for our sanity/ health/ scedule/ emotional health/ security (pick one or two to go with the statement)." Nod your head for emphasis if you have to. Then walk away and busy yourself elsewhere. Or go somewhere. Leave him and ignore him (trust me, there will be behavior to ignore after that). Don't engage. No arguing. Not your circus anymore.

I'm proud of your GAL stuff! I knew you could do it! Remember how we were back during Christmas holidays? Change happens right under our noses.

[ciluzen]

Just letting you know, I wrote in the quote box, too, but you might not notice unless you scroll down the box.

[Rouky]

Hi IP how are you? How are the kids doing?