Doing better....Oh wait

[otw]

ok, so it has been about a month since a real update....so this will prob be long!

I have been doing fairly well for myself. Had some dance lessons, been hitting the gym pretty hard, got out on the golf course a few times, wow pretty rusty! I have started training a little for rugby again as I have been asked to play in a game in the beginning of may. Granted it is all of us that used to play and now just do casual stuff, but i have a problem not going all out so I need to get in shape.

Kids are awesome, they are definitely testing there boundaries from time to time, but we have so much fun together.

They still want to stay with me all of the time, but are more accepting when they are not there.

Work has been ok and I am really looking to buckle down into some new ventures and focus on that.

Went to Vegas for a convention in the beginning of the month and it was a good time. Learned some new things, made some contacts and actually took it easy out there! I did get up at 5 am everyday to call the kids before school back on the east coast, then got stranded for an extra 8 hours on the way home!

So now for the meaty stuff!
I had a coaching session before I left and i spoke about how i felt the dynamic was a little different between me and W lately. We spoke about the possibility of me asking her to do something alone, just the two of us. I guess a date of sorts. We had been spending at least a day or two a week with the kids doing stuff and our interactions have been good.
Coach said it may be worth a shot, but we talked how i would be if the invitation was denied. So in the end it left me still with a bunch to think about.
Meanwhile during this time one of W best friends starting having issues with her fiance and thought they were done. The friend actually reached out to me because she used to work for me and somehow my name came up in there arguments. Not in a bad way, but she reached out and we talked and then met a few days later to discuss everything and try to figure some things out on how to help them.

that was really weird. I also looked at it as a way to show people the growth and changes i have made on myself and a way to look at things different after reading the DR. They are working on things.

So after i got back from the trip i was nervous about asking W anything. I decided to ask her something last minute for something the following day and i went in with no expectations as it was last minute and I made sure it was nothing intimate, but something I know she has wanted to do. Turns out she did have plans as a friend was in town, we tried to see if there would be time but there was not. She did not say no, but just didnt work out.

Since then i have not asked for anything else. I guess still kind of nervous.

Again, I spoke to one of her other best friends last week out of the blue. Let me start by saying some of things that you will be reading here are almost 100% against the advice many will give you here, but after speaking with my coach and having the way our dynamic is right now we decided to see what happens. I know the real advice that comes with DB is see what works and doesnt and then notate and keep moving. with the actual BD approaching 1 year we decided to test.

So i started conversation with friend first about how this needs to stay with us and if she isnt comfortable or want to then we shouldnt talk. She quickly accepted as we have had many talks before on her approaching them. She has stated before she believes we will work things out. So i started asking her about that. She said she doesnt know why but really hopes it happens. So i told her I ma not going to ask or pry about W but wanted her opinion on me asking W to do something with me.

We spoke quite a bit about different things and she brought up how she heard I asked w to do something before and the timing didnt work. She said w was surprised. Not in a bad way but surprised. She also gave me info about W talking about how during the time I went NC she would say how we dont talk or anything. She then also stated that she mentions when we are talking and interacting a lot more. She also mentioned that she was really surprised with my responses to a few things that she has done lately and did not expect me to respond how i did. these were good by the way.

So the end of the conversation was that she said I would not tell you no in asking her. She said i would definitely keep up the social interactions and be open with each other.

So with this info and a few coaching sessions I will sort out how to keep moving forward but I am trying to balance how to do this and not over pursue.

We did have Easter dinner at my mothers house last night and we all had a great time. W told me it was a good night. We have plans to take kids to amusement park tomorrow as it is spring break. I will take things slowly even though i am impatient.

Dont get me wrong with all of this, i am trying to keep expectations in check and just let things play out trying to figure how much effort i give. There are still moments when the reality comes crashing back, like her talking to me about needing to buy a lawn mower for her place and just other general things about us not living together anymore.

Now I know this post may be long and a lot about W, but i limit my updates until there is something worthwhile.

I also know i post on some threads giving my opinions and some may say well you are telling me different things to do. You are right. But I am not telling anything that i havent actually been through or done. I do think the advice given here is very good and needed, but there does come a point of trying something new and seeing what happens.

I am also at a point where i feel I am observing what happens here and if i get set back hard then i will prob grow to my next phase of all of this.

Dont know if that makes sense but to me it does.

Anyway if anyone is reading and has comments or questions fire away!

[pinn]

Great to hear an update OTW! I had been looking for one. Sounds like there is an interesting dynamic between the two of you right now.

If I put myself in your shoes, I think I would be having a lot of trouble managing expectations. It *seems* there has been a lot of thought put into asking her to do something. For me, with that much though, I don't know if it would be possible to not have expectations. But if you really do not have any then that is great and shows a nice level of detachment.

My second concern would be talking to her friend. I have really wanted to do that lately but have resisted. I did at the beginning of everything, WW found out and she was none too pleased (rightfully so I think actually).

Keep up those great family interactions and have fun at the amusement park (I love them!). Let us know how things go if/when you try to met up with W again.

[otw]

i know very well the friend things are really touchy, but I really dont think I have anything to lose. We are also fairly close as well as our kids play with each other and I have been places with her and the kids alone.

Dont get me wrong, it took some thought to do that, but I need to get through his phase and see what happens. i think it is a part of my journey. If this doesnt create something then i feel i will probably begin to reach a new level after a little spin Im sure.

I will keep you posted.

[pinn]

ah I see... OK that is different than my situation for sure. The friend I talked with was WW's best friend and only my acquaintance so it is an apples and oranges comparison.

You seem to be handling everything very well and have a plan. For me, having a plan has always been helpful. I get in trouble when I deviate from it.

Good luck OTW!

[otw]

So following up from my last post with an update..

After last post kids and i went to the campground that W parents own and we have a camper at, yes we still kept it.

As i have said before her family really likes me, I also run the concession/snack shop at the campground and easter weekend was the first weekend open. Kids and I had a blast doing all of the easter activities. W dad was dressed up as easter bunny and they got to play with cousins.
My mother wanted to make easter dinner and told me to bring everyone. So i through it out there to wife and she accepted quickly.
Kids and i got back in town and did a few things then went and picked her up. We all ate dinner together and then i sat down at bar counter while mom did some cleaning up. W sat next to me and the three of us talked and joked like we never missed a beat.
Starting getting late and we packed up to head back to her place as the kids were stating there. I helped get them into bed then went on my way. W and i spoke quickly earlier in the evening about spring break stuff for the kids, so after i got home i sent her a text about an amusement park. She said she wanted to check weather, few minutes later we had a plan for two days later.

The following day the kids wanted to go spend some money they got from easter and wanted me to meet them. W was coordinating with me about it and then asked me if I wanted her to pick something up that we spoke about as hse had some time. Very surprised I accepted. ending up meeting them for a quick bit then went on the way as the next morning was the amusement park

Remembering what her friend told me about keeping things upbeat and good communication i made sure i was upbeat and happy all day. I had to catch myself a few times to make sure i was living in the moment and not wondering or overthinking.

We left park and stopped to eat and had a great time. Lots of laughing with kids. After that kids both fell asleep and we talked the whole way home. She did a lot of opening up and i made sure to hold the conversation. she shared some things with me that i would love to be able to do with her but think I may have to be patient on that.

Got home and put kids in bed and normally when i leave she walks over near the door where i am leaving from and we say a quick by as i am walking away. I didnt want that this time so i stood still and looked at her until we caught eyes for a minute then said good bye. She looked at me and and then looked away. Overall the two days together were good she even said she had a good time.

The following day saw each other again for some kid stuff for a few minutes. We had a good interaction. The next day took kids to the beach for a bit and was the only day we didnt really interact.
Friday morning I had to drop mom at doctors for a medical procedure. W started seeming a little different at this point.
But didnt look into it too much. After got mom back home and settled I got a call from W saying she was taking kids up to a carnival by our houses and wanted to know if i wanted to meet. I went over and had some fun with them. Took a couple pictures of the 3 of them on a ride for her. I sent them to her after i got home and we text for a minute or two and she told me a i did a good job.

then i noticed a little pull away again this weekend.

Exchanged a few texts today but nothing big.


So at this point my observations are this. i am trying to keep our communication open and fun. We have no R talks. I noticed i prob need to back off a bit now and see what happens. By back off i mean not initiate things but still act the same way when we are around each other.

My mental state..it is hard having that much interaction and not getting expectations up to high. I do crash a little after.

I really dont know what to think right now. She could just really be enjoying having fun no matter who it is with, she might be seeing things differently or not. No way to know. So i am just going to keep moving along.

I do worry if i am pushing to hard at times but right now i think I will see what develops from her and me pulling back a bit.

Anyway, hope this is at least interesting encounters! LOL

[vise82]

Hey OTW.

I get it as things are moving along you are not sure where things are with W.

Is she living like she is single? I see you are included in family things. Have you been excluded from anything that W is doing that you would be part of normally?

Have you had a talk about dating other people? Or is there hidden rules for that? Like she doesn't see you dating so she is not dating?

How about your child care agreement. Has there been flexibility with that? Is it changing as each your needs change or are your days yours and her days with the kids are hers?

What do you do if you want to take the kids to a event, do you invite W? Or do you just go with out her?

[otw]

She is going out with friends. From what I understand she is not dating or involved in any way. I'm not either. I don't know how that plays into each other right now. Could have impact might not. I still have pics of her up and she had pictures of me in her place.

We do a lot of things with kids. If anyone is excluded it is more her.

I take kids to things and invite sometimes and not others. She accepts most.

Child care. We have stuck to our original plan. We have been flexible to help each other. Now she is working more and sees how hard it is. She has brought up a change. I am not interested though.

We have no problem with each other during our times with kids. If we do stuff together fine. I have never been a fan of the my time is mine and you stay away. No matter what happens it is a family some how!

[vise82]

OTW,

Happy Birthday. Its showing its your birthday next to your user name.

[otw]

Thank you!

[otw]

So i guess i will give an update on my testing.

After the spring break week where we had a lot of interaction as school got back into the swing things definitely slowed down on that level. I definitely tried to make things keep moving but started getting the feeling i was forcing things. I started to believe i need to pull away.
W did ask me about a upcoming weekend where she is supposed to have the kids and she has a wedding to go to. Asked if i wanted to have the kids that evening as he will prob be staying over at the wedding since it is an hour away. My anxiety and mind reading did not do well on this. I did not express any of that to her though.
I actually will be busy that evening and asked her times and she was supposed to get back to me, but never did and i hear from kids that they are having sleepovers at friends that evening.

So my bday was friday, very tough has we are right at 1 year from BD now. She did take the kids to buy me a gift and brought them over with it. She wished me a happy bday and that was it. I must say i was hoping we all would have done something together but i should have known better and will get into that shortly.

So with my testing and now the feeling i need to pull away is because i have noticed a few things.
First, she seems willing to do things all together when the kids are with her. When they are with me she is not interested. I learned that either it is becuse she wants the help with kids and she is very preoccupied doing what she wants when kids arent there. She always has plans when kids are not there. I learned that as much as i thought she was coming out of some of her fog that she is no where near breaking out.

That is how i should have expected my bday to not have any interaction as it was a friday and knew she would have plans.

I did see her the other day right out of the shower with no make up etc..she looked tired in my opinion. I dont know if it was just an off day or her life is pushing her.

So as all signs tell me to pull away right now, it is very hard. I am also tired of feeling the way i do everyday. tired of living in the limbo. I know i can move forward with my life and i do, but the not knowing what is going on is tough. I am feeling i just throw it out to her if she is interested in doing something as just the two of us and see what happens.
If she rejects it will hurt but may make me realize it is time to stop.

Anyway, that is where i am. I know this is all about her and i really will only be posting on this to let people know what is going on with the dynamic between W and I.

My personal life isnt bad and i am busy, but i will just use this board for the relationship stuff.

anyway more later