Phoebe, I think you're being too harsh on yourself. I can assure you that when it comes to db failures, you're nowhere near the bar that I keep raising for myself.
I don't burn bridges; I dynamite them. And gosh, what I wouldn't pay for a stfu potion that will work on me. Most days, I can barely speak coherently because both my feet, plus some, are stuck in my mouth.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I hope that you are doing well today. Hang in there. Dbing is a long game and mis steps will happen, but the goal is more about the changes you make overall as opposed to minor errors. I see Dbing as a process that changes us, more than actually changing the relationships. And while we are all capable of change, it takes time, there will be old habits and instincts that we slip on, but that is part of the growth process. All in all, you have been under tremendous stress and I see more positive changes in your actions that will far out weigh any error that you feel to have committed.
I have faith and hope for you and your continuous progress. Be sure to GAL today if even for a few minutes and force yourself to smile. My D17 shared with me that she learned in class yesterday that it is a scientific fact that smiling releases good endorphins that make us feel better. Her teacher does an experiment each year where the students use a pencil on there lips to hold either a smile or a frown for a few minutes and then shows them several comics. The students with the smiles always find the comics to be more funny than the students with the frowns.
Smile big and it will help, I know I have been forcing one for several days and it really is helping
((((Phoebe))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I hope that you are doing well today. Hang in there. Dbing is a long game and mis steps will happen, but the goal is more about the changes you make overall as opposed to minor errors. I see Dbing as a process that changes us, more than actually changing the relationships. And while we are all capable of change, it takes time, there will be old habits and instincts that we slip on, but that is part of the growth process. All in all, you have been under tremendous stress and I see more positive changes in your actions that will far out weigh any error that you feel to have committed.
I have faith and hope for you and your continuous progress. Be sure to GAL today if even for a few minutes and force yourself to smile. My D17 shared with me that she learned in class yesterday that it is a scientific fact that smiling releases good endorphins that make us feel better. Her teacher does an experiment each year where the students use a pencil on there lips to hold either a smile or a frown for a few minutes and then shows them several comics. The students with the smiles always find the comics to be more funny than the students with the frowns.
Smile big and it will help, I know I have been forcing one for several days and it really is helping
((((Phoebe))))
This is a very wise post Sadhub.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I wanted to stop by and offer you some support. I have been following your sitch and my heart truly aches for you! I could have written these posts just a couple years ago. Minus the details, are sitches--mainly the anxiety and trauma--are very similar! When my H did this, I was SHOCKED and could not even wrap my head around how he was capable of this!
I fell hard and was a shell of a person; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was chronic anxious, and severly depressed. So when I read the threads and advise here, it made sense logistically, but I struggled to apply it to my everyday life. I blew it all the time and I was very hard on myself.
I don't have any magic answers for you and I don't know what your husband will do, but I'm going to tell you a few things I wish I could go back and tell my prior self.
1. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are a wonderful person and beautiful woman who deserves love, respect, and compassion. H can't give that to you now. Give this to yourself and surround yourself with those that will. 2. Don't waste too much mental energy on H--trying to analyze his every move and intention, trying to DB so he will notice or miss you, or focusing on what may or may not happen. Sweetie, none of can predict what they will do. Let him go. I know it hurts terribly to hear that but it's all you can do. Remember your most confident, strong self? Would she hold on so tight to a man that would treat her this way? 3. Be careful with lawyers. You are extremely vulnerable and they know it. Even with the best intentions they can charge you many hundreds or thousands of dollars and the outcome may be the same. Find all the free advice you can and take all the time you need. 4. This is a very long and painful process. I promise you won't feel this way forever. Deep breathe. You will survive this war, that I can promise.
I believe in you, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hello. I really want to thank everyone for all the nice posts over the last couple days. As BluWave reminded me, I am not very kind or gentle to myself sometimes, and it means a lot to find kindness here in this group.
So thank you, SadHub, V, BluWave, Painter, 1313, Rose, and JksD, Cherry, and CWOL, and anyone else who's checked in on me through this joy ride. I really appreciate it.
JksD, you gave me a really good laugh with the dynamite comment, and I needed it.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was busy all day long (a mere 5 hours of driving!!!) and spent quality, meaningful time with multiple people. Yes, I did hire two of them, but I really like them both and they are very good to me. I spent 3 HOURS with the grief counselor! She and I both like to chat, so after we covered the meeting topic, and that was about 2 hours, we sat for a while. We meet in her home, and we talked about her cat, or my story, or hers, or whatever came up. I really appreciate how free she has been with her time. Anyone that treats me well right now can win me over in a heartbeat. Good thing I'm not out dating, right? : )
Yes, trying to make a joke, because today is definitely not as good a day thus far. I went to sleep anxious, woke up anxious and shaky, and now I'm back to sad. Even kindness can set it off, so I read all your lovely posts and just started crying. Ah well. As my grief counselor tells me, "there is no way out, but through." If I let myself feel the sadness and pain, then it seems like it passes over me more quickly these days. I'm already feeling better than I was just 20 minutes ago when I sat down to the computer, so that's something!
Isn't it silly that kindness when you're sad can set off the waterworks? (Shaking head...)
After my second appointment yesterday, I had just enough time to run home, do my critter chores, then meet my Mom for our usual Thursday night outing. We have a meeting to go to together, and then we went to the Salvation Army and I found myself a $3 pair of jeans that were super comfy, cute, and fit well. I only shop at thrift stores, so at least it's cheap to get new clothes as I'm shrinking out of my old ones.
So I got a pretty quick reply from H, as I expected I would, but he really didn't say anything. Actually, the reply was off-putting. Something like 'writing, but can't find a constructive way to organize thoughts." That's it. Constructive, huh? Then a second email asking if I was doing OK, and telling me he is OK. Total afterthought. Part of me is like "Who the heck cares if you're OK, anyway?" Not going to respond to that silly weak preudo-temp check.
So, it's a Friday and I have no plans. I do OK on the weekdays, generally, but my support kind of falls off on the Friday to Sunday stretch. My neighbor friend spends time with her own H for the 3-day weekends, because he works out of town, so she's out of the picture. There are no visits to docs or therapists, my other friend lives out of state, and my parents need a break from me. Anyone want to go out? Just kidding.
My regular therapist is now giving me things. Sometimes it's a book to borrow and read, yesterday it was a handout on behavioral strategies for depression. Included was a list of 185 fun things to do. I scanned the list and joked with him that #7 was out (going on a date), and certainly #52 was a nonstarter (sex), and I'd prefer to stop #58 (losing weight)!!! Anyway, it was funny.
What I do need to do is deal with a large rodent (squirrel?) incursion into the skirting on my house. I went outside today and saw that there is a 4 inch hole in the wood and they pulled out a bunch of insulation. I've got to board that up PDQ. Always something...
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Strangely, I've been feeling pretty darn good for the last day and a half. Yesterday started out rough, but I did what I said I would; I just let myself feel the sadness instead of trying to push it down, and then it passed. Then I read a post from BluWave, and I felt something small inside me shift a little bit. I can't explain it, but something feels different. Maybe a shift towards valuing myself over H, or detaching from him more? I'm not sure yet what it is, but it's something...
I can even think about the AP and actually feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, she's found this very messed up, damaged person and she thinks he's a catch? Not so much. I must be in a good mood because I just laughed as I wrote that. Love my H, but he's like a slow-motion train wreck and anyone with a brain ought to RUN AWAY!!!
Anyway, I am feeling strangely happy today, and I'm going to run with it and go out and see a cheap movie this afternoon. All by myself! Heck, once the lights go down, it's not like you pay any attention to who's next to you in a movie, anyway, right? There is a movie house here that plays films for only a couple bucks. I feel like I'm being both frugal and doing something fun for myself. Perfect.
I've been keeping a list for my therapist of the little things I have been up to so that he doesn't think I actually just sit around all day and mope in a fetal position. He likes to ask me what my plans are for the next few days, and I never have anything concrete to report. I think that makes him think I am more depressive than I really am. I am more sad than depressive, and frankly, given what I'm going through, it's totally normal and understandable. Grief will do that to a person. I do not lay in bed all day crying. Every single day since my H walked out I get up, shower, make breakfast, do my chores, and keep on moving. Some days have been beyond tolerance, but others are better. I cry when it hits me, and I laugh, too.
Today I feel like laughing. I put on my "new" pair of jeans and a sparkly denim jacket. Maybe I should just embrace the damn weight loss, eh??? I may be worried about it because I can't seem to stop it, and I feel like my grief is physically written all over my body and that makes me feel very vulnerable...
...BUT I looked in the mirror today and thought for the first time since December - hey, I look kind of good. Sexy, even. It's a nice feeling.
It helps that I bought some jeans that fit again.
Maybe the sun is peeking out from my cloudy skies a bit? Who knows what tomorrow's roller coaster ride will bring, but I'm going to make the most of the way I feel right now.
I hope everyone has a sparkly day!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Hey Phoebe, that post by BluWave was a real eye opener for me too. If we do not focus on getting ourselves right, then there's no hope for us to even try and be with our WW's/WH's.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It is wonderful to hear that you are feeling well today. I chuckled a little at your comments about embracing the weight loss, because my D17 teased me not so long ago about her wanting to try out my "depression weight loss program" as she wanted to trim a few pounds. She was teasing me, to try and get me to stop worrying about it so much and it did make me smile. So while I don't recommend the program, I guess we can embrace it and work to adjust it for our benefit, right?
It's also good to hear that you are accepting the sadness instead of fighting it as that gives me inspiration. I fight all of the crazy feelings and emotions so frequently that I am thinking that is why I have more struggles some days. Again my wise D17 was just telling me to accept it,let it come through and I will move through it faster . It is counter intuitive but it seems to have some merit to it.
It is a roller coaster ride, but I know in my heart it will slow down, equalize and we will learn invaluable lessons about ourselves and what we are really capable of doing.
Cherish these good days as the memory of them will help us in the difficult days.
Well I am off to enjoy some quality time with my baby girls and these are the moments I will focus on cherishing.
I look forward to your next post sharing the wonderful things you experience today.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
