Everyone knows that relationships take work, but when you're in the middle of going through hard times, it's easy to think, "Marriage shouldn't be so hard." Well, actually, I don't know anyone- even people in wonderful marriages -who haven't struggled from time to time. That's why it's called work. And yes, it goes with the marital territory. Do you know someone who needs reminding? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 4/6/16 What do you think of this?
Are you sitting on the, “Should-I-stay-or-should-I-go” fence, endlessly weighing the pros and cons about your marriage? You’re not alone. But before you take the plunge to start checking the “D” box, consider the most important “divorce don’t” of all...
Don’t do it... don’t get divorced!
Now, before you decide that I’m a religious fanatic or that my politics are to the right of Karl Rove’s, let me tell you this...
I’m simply someone who has seen the fallout of divorce up close and personal. And I’m here to tell you, divorce isn’t for sissies. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce creates new and unintended problems, particularly when children are involved. If you’re a parent fantasizing of riding yourself of your spouse once and for all and dreaming of starting anew, remember this simple fact, “When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce.”
If you’re still open to the idea that your marriage can (and I dare say, should) survive, consider what I’ve learned over the past three decades.
First, the facts:
* People who remain married are healthier — both physically and emotionally * They live longer * They are better off financially * They have more satisfying and frequent sex than their single counterparts
What you may not have considered is that unless there is physical or extreme emotional abuse, kids also benefit emotionally and physically from growing up with both parents.
Like it or not, your kids don’t much care if your marriage is boring or unromantic, they just want you both at home.
You have one go-around & deserve to be happy
Before you say that I’m a proponent of “till death do us part”, even if it means a life of misery, hear this: you have one shot at this life and you deserve to be happy. What you may not have considered is that you can be happy in this marriage. With everything that we now know about what’s necessary to sustain a healthy marriage, there is no reason why anyone wanting a better relationship can’t have one.
Having said this, if you’ve been fighting a lot, or are overwhelmed with feelings of contempt or, even worse, apathy, you probably believe your marriage is beyond repair. That’s because you have grown hopeless. And it’s hopelessness that ultimately ends marriages, not the differences between you. Hopelessness is the real cancer in marriage.
Consider this: No one is born knowing how to be a partner in marriage. No one.
The way we behave in our relationships has everything to do with our upbringing and our own parents’ relationships. Unfortunately, many of us didn’t have great role models. And even if we did, our spouse may not have been quite as lucky. Then what?
Good marriages require good relationship skills. Happily, even the most seemingly relationally-challenged people can learn concrete skills that can fundamentally change the quality of marriage. So, before you throw in the towel, do yourself and your loved ones a favor, shore up on your relationship skills and make sure that you’re not throwing away a good thing simply out of a lack of education.
There are two ways to do this: education & therapy Marriage education courses are different that traditional therapy. Classes aren’t group therapy. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry publicly. You take a class, absorb the information, practice skills in privacy with your spouse and then go home to put to the new tools to use. Even therapy-phobic spouses love these hands-on courses.
And then there’s marriage therapy. But be warned, not all marriage therapy is created equal. Some so-called marriage therapists do more harm than good by declaring marriages dead on arrival as early as the first session! Be an informed consumer and know what you’re looking for when you seek professional help.
Here are four pointers to start with:
* No therapist can tell when a marriage is over. If a therapist declares your marriage dead, find a different therapist. * “Tell me how you feel about that?” — a common therapists’ mantra- prompts lively discussions, but rarely resolves problems. Good therapists teach communication and problem-solving skills. * Talking about the past makes you an expert about why you’re having problems, not what to do to improve things. If you want a better future, make sure your therapist is goal-oriented with an emphasis on the future. * Seek help even if your spouse won’t go. Good therapists can help you trigger positive change in your marriage single-handedly.
Bottom line, if your marriage is on the rocks it’s a wakeup call. Before you make the final break, be sure that you leave no stone unturned. The worst feeling in the world is the nagging sense that you could have done more.
In my three decades of work with couples I have seen hundreds of thousands of couples fall in love again, many of which reconnected at the eleventh hour. It’s never too late to create a happy marriage; all you have to do is decide to explore the idea of staying married instead of throwing in the towel. After reading this you may think I’m a psychotic optimist, I say, “That’s ok, it’s a communicable disease.”
You don't have to be a marriage therapist, mental health professional or clergy to be an extremely positive influence on someone's marriage. Life-changing advice comes in many packages. Talk to people you encounter everyday. If they're struggling in their marriages, urge them to get help and stay the course. Don't assume that you should "mind your own business" because when it comes to marriage, it takes a village.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting April 13 at 11:23am
If you're fighting for your marriage and you're feeling discouraged, I'd like to offer you some hope today. I have seen countless marriages appear as if things are totally dire, that the relationships were going to end. But then, in the 11th hour, things turn around. Although this doesn't happen for everyone, I want to encourage you not to give up hope. Look for very, very small signs of change. Focus on that.
I'm almost done writing a book on infidelity. Are there any topics you hope I include that would be of interest to you? Weigh in, please. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting April 19 at 10:37am
I just posted a blog about the fruitlessness of searching for a soul mate. The blog discussed the importance of finding a good match but not necessarily holding out for a perfect match because there is no such thing. I wholeheartedly agree, but would take it a step further. Good matches are good, but the truth is, no matter how well matched you might be, because no two people are exactly alike, you are going to have to learn how to deal with your differences. Regardless of how similar you might be, having the skills to negotiate your differences will determine the success of your relationship.
I saw a button recently that read, "Never try to teach a cow to sing. It annoys the cow and wastes your time." Acceptance anyone?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting April 20 at 10:56am
Many feel that the concept of commitment is applicable when you are feeling loving feelings toward your partner. But the truth is, feeling committed when things are going well is a no-brainer! Who wouldn't want to stay with, be loyal to another person when your needs are being met?
But real commitment is what happens when things aren't going so well, when you and your partner aren't getting along or seeing eye-to-eye. Real commitment is what happens when you tell yourself, "This too shall pass," or "We need to get help to resolve our difficulties. " Real commitment is hard. That's why it's called commitment. Think about it. Agreed?
That's encouraging. I am from Louisville and my separated H and I were most recently living there until we decided to travel about back on the west coast, where he he a breakdown and filed for S. Encouraging that Even as one half, the W, there is hope and that my love and committment is not for naught
I truly think that one of the worst parts about divorce is that it is almost always a unilateral decision-one person wants it and the other doesn't. No rejection runs deeper than hearing from someone who you thought was going to be a life-long partner that the marriage is over.
Sound familiar? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting April 22 at 11:38am
Do you have emotional cutoffs in your life- people who have been close to you who you do not speak to anymore? If so, rethink this. Having emotional cutoffs takes a toll on one's life. Even if you think it's better for you, chances are, you never really forget about that other person. It's a thorn in your side no matter what. It colors how you feel about life even if you're not aware of it.
I know that some relationships are toxic and there are exceptions. But the majority of emotional cutoffs could be avoided by swallowing one's pride and reconnecting. Did you read this today for a reason? Michele Weiner-Davis
People who want out of their marriages often tell their spouses that they want to be friends after divorce. So many of my clients are so hurt about the divorce, they can't envision being friends with their ex-spouses....ever. Although some people divorce amicably, you can't always count on the partner who wants to save the marriage to be up for friendship. You may always be co-parents, but not necessarily buddies. If you're thinking of leaving a marriage, you need to factor in this reality. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting April 27 at 11:51am
And because not every marriage is saved from the brink, let this be an inspiration to you. "... What we do for a living does not determine who we are. What determines us is how well we rise after we have fallen."
Divorce Busting 5/3/2016
It often amazes me how naive people can be about the thrill of new relationships. Of course they're fun, exciting, passionate! They're new! If you want to sustain that wonderful feeling, you must be intentional about your actions. You can't just expect passion to happen. Besides, in all relationships, newness wears off. And then what? Michele Weiner-Davis
Worry less about finding a soulmate than you do finding someone who is willing to work through whatever problems arise... even when it's difficult Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 6 at 11:54am
I learn so much from the couples I work with. Despite the problems they're having, there is so much innate wisdom going around. How about you? What have you been learning lately from relationships or from life? Weigh in. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 9 at 12:40pm
This whole idea that you should pick someone who is similar to you when you choose a mate is ludicrous. When we first meet, we focus on similarities. That feels good. But eventually, differences emerge. Then we think we made a mistake. And even if we have lots in common at first, the truth is, over time, we change!!! What we need, want, love in our 20's is different from what we need, want, love in our 30's, 40's , 50's and so on. A relationship, like life, is fluid. If you want a marriage to last, make sure you choose a partner who is committed to working through differences and getting help if you get stuck. Grow up together. Stretch personally. Relationships should be an arena for growth. Dump your fantasy about your partner needing to be a "soul mate" and find loving ways to resolve your differences in order to have a great marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 5/12/16
When things go wrong, you think it's your spouse's fault. The problem is, your spouse thinks the same thing. Rather than blame each other, take the high road and reach out, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it. That's the way to get out of a relationship rut. Be the catalyst for change. Michele Weiner-Davis
If I could warn young couples about one thing, it would be about the importance of spending time together without the kids. That's because of all the couples I see in my practice- couples on the brink- "time together anemia" is the one thing they have in common. What would your advice be? Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 17 at 2:12pm
Some people think that it is okay, or even good, to expose an affair to family members, bosses, friends and so on. The belief is that exposing the affair removes the illicitness, which in turn, makes it less desirable. I think exposing an affair to everyone isn't necessarily a good idea, especially when it is vengeful. It may make the affair seem less sexy, but it will also make the person who discloses the information undesirable too. It often nails the marital coffin shut. And that's a bad idea. There are better ways to deal with the pain of infidelity than broadcasting it everywhere.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting May 19 at 10:52am
When someone wants out of their marriage, they can't imagine things getting better or feeling differently about their spouse. But here's the irony. When they got married and were madly in love, could they have anticipated wanting to get out of the marriage? In life, the only thing you can truly count on is change. Positive change can happen. Feelings can change.
