Blindsided and Lost

[Mowgli]

Stay busy, man! find things to do outside of the home. Don't tell her what, just say you're going out.

Dress better, wear a nice cologne, etc. You don't need to answer to anything she says about where you're going or when you'll be home, especially if you've outlined who has the kids when.

Then find things to do!

Go to Chapters and read a book, find a hobby; anything that keeps you out of the house and her guessing where you are is a good thing.

Go dark!

Basically, you've been fired as a husband, so you don't owe her anything. You can communicate about the kids, but leave it at that. Even then, let her initiate the conversation. respond with short answers, and be confident and sure. Don't wish/wash around. don't be a jerk about it, though. Think of this as a business relationship now.

ex. "Can you pick up ________ for me today?"

"I'd like to, but I already have plans." (notice I didn't say "sorry?")

"what plans?"

"I'm just going out with some friends for a while."

"which friends?"

"friends from work" or "New friends. You don't know them" (don't be specific or anything) "I'll be back later."

"When?"

"You know we didn't really talk about it; we're just going to see what happens. See you later."

She gets to know what you let her. Nothing more. It will most likely piss her off; I know it pissed off my WW, but what you need to remember is that she's being selfish with her time as well!

You're not on her radar at ALL. Make her realize that you have a life, too!

[1313]

Nate, sorry for what you're going through. Is there any way you can separate in the house? That would be hugely advisable. To DR, you're going to need to follow Sandi's rules, which you've already been told.

Is this guy married? I always get concerned when people like this are always around kids as that tells me their moral fiber is already on the low side.

As Mowgli says - act "as if". She's basically a roommate who just moved in - you don't know her. And you don't. She is going to play you when she can. Business relationship is right. At the most, validate her feelings. Other than that, keep it brief. Pretend every word, every letter, every character cost $50. Emoji's are a $300 fine.

It's going to get worse before it can possibly get better. Keep posting, even if it's just rambling journaling. We're pulling for you.

[Nate14]

Yes we have divide bank accounts to Seperated accounts. We sleep separately. I told her I was sleeping in our bed, if she wants to sleep elsewhere hats on her. So it's been a month or so that she has been sleeping in the kids bedrooms. She still comes into the ensuing to get ready. Her clothes and toiletries etc are in our walkin closet and ensure bathroom. I would really love to set that up as a boundary that she can find somewhere else to get ready. We have split time with the kids already sorta. For example tomorrow is my sons hockey game and it is my day but it's the first day and she is going. Don't think I could stop her if I tried. The kids are her world. That's one good thing I can say about her. She is a good mother. That's what is gonna be he big shock when we do finally seperated. Seeing he kids only 50% of the time. She doesn't get it right now.

The OM she is seeing is seperated for almost a year I believe. He has a 7 year old son who was on the kids hockey team with my son. He and my son bonded. So my son is friends with his son. Ugh. That's another thing that makes this hard. Anyways. 2nd marriage for him, his 7 year old is from his 1st marriage. So 2 marriages in 7 years. Not a good track record. I found out he's living in his brother/sisters basement basically cause his ex is still in there house which hasn't sold yet. Anyways I try not to focus on the maggot too much he's not the issue.

I finished reading the book Women's Infidelity last night. Very interesting read. I wish I had tapped into all this crap a year ago. It's amazing how naive I've been all these years. I can hardly wait to get into DB and DR. Once the lu show up at the door. All though it seems you could be the best husband in he world and this affair [censored] could happen anyways.

I've been hitting he gym lately. Reconnected with a few people and scheduling some time to go out and socialize a bit. I've been trying to stay out of the house or out of contact with WW. Life seems ok when I don't see her. When I do. I get emotional. I am aware of how my emotions are affected by her. Trying to limit that for now. Although I keep it in check and cry or get mad later. I really do hope to see something positive come from all this work I'm doing. Not really sure at this point what to expect anymore. Not really sure if I want her back or just want to heal and move on.

She did text me today after I had left for the gym. Not telling her where I was going. Just left. He text was asking me to pick up shin pads for my son because Walmart didn't have any. Asked if I could pick some up today. I didn't reply. Then 20 mins past and she gave me the ???? Text. Then I got the never mind I picked some up. Lol. I woulda picked some up tomorrow if she hadn't, but I wasn't gonna respond because it wasn't necessary.

I really hate how she thinks it isn't an affair and they were just "friends". Really? Our phone bill went from 400 mins in the month to 1900 mins last month. My god. She can't really believe what she is saying can she? I mean yes it wasn't a PA till he last little while but come on. Maybe someone can weigh in on this one. Do they really believe their own lies and when the fog wears off will they actually use their logical brain and realize the lies they've been telling? This part is what bugs me. I really want to give her literature on the affair fog and women's infidelity book etc but I know it would not be read sadly. I know she has to get there on her own. As much as I try to utilize the time I just want her to wake up and smell the Doucebag for what he is.

Anyways. That's it for today. Once again, everyone here is awesome and hope some of you have success in your struggles. I'm really looking for a win these days. Even just a little one.

[cubebot]

Hi Nate,

I feel for you brother. I too am living the no temp check life. The life of never seeing them look into the rear view mirror as they make their departure. I am glad for your kids that your WW is a good mom as you stated. Mine seems to be leaving all of us in the dust.

I don't know why they don't temp check, but I think it is because they are so deep in the fog they can't even see us. I am also in your boat of not being sure if I even want my WW back. I think at this point, if you REALLY feel that way, GOOD! Just keep doing YOU, be a better YOU, and use this gift of time that you have been given. Find your own happiness, find what makes you smile, find something that consumes you. I'm still searching for that, but I know it is what I need. On my busy days I do great. Slow days...not so much. Less slow days and more busy ones.

Keep posting, we are all here for you.

[Nate14]

Thanks Cube, I'm just starting to search for that something too so I'm right there with ya man! Yeah I don't get the no temp check thing. I think it's a thick thick fog or something but I don't get it. The guy is a total downgrade, not that I'm blowing my own horn but what the hell? Doesn't seem to make any sense. I guess it will all come out in the wash eventually.

Thanks for the encouragement. You take care as well Cube, I'm gonna go read your story here soon. It helps reading other people's struggles. I hope one day it will be a win and not a struggle for you!

[BluWave]

... All I can say is that you will survive this. It won't be pleasant but one way or the other, you will come out the other side.

You dont know if she will turn herself around or not. Thats not the purpose of detaching. The purpose of detaching is to take care or YOU no matter what happens. There is no guarantee that she will get her head out of her a$$. You have no control over her. The only thing you have control over is yourself. So put your focus there.

I will say that, as counter intuitive as it seems, detaching and moving on with your life is the BEST bet you have for saving your M. I have no doubt in that. Its worked and is working for me.

In order for things to turn around, the A has to end and she has to come out of the fog. She's got to experience some sort of pain or loss. She needs to see that she is losing you. When her world come crashing down around her, she needs to see that a new an improved Nate is still standing there. You won't be welcoming her back with open arms though. She's got to earn her way back. But I think you will know it when she hits rock bottom and the fog starts to clear. I wish I could tell you to look for x, y and z but everyone is different. Regardless, I think you will know it when you see it.

Piecing refers to piecing your M back together. That can start when your WW has hit rock bottom, begins to come out of the fog, realizes what she has done and begins to show remorse. At a bear minimum, you need to see genuine remorse before you can begin to work on piecing your M back together. I wouldnt even concern yourself with this at this point. You've got a ways to go and honestly, you dont know if you will ever get to this point. Its up to your WW on whether or not you get here. All you can do is take care of yourself and make sure you are the best Nate that you can be. Detach, 180 and GAL. That is your job right now. That is your best bet for being ready if she comes around.

This!!! Lim, right on, I love how you put this!

Nate, I am sorry you are here. It's so hard. One day at a time. You will get through this. Just go easy on yourself, be the best dad you can be, and try your best to pay her no mind. You don't want her back as she is right now. I hope one day she comes along, but you do not need to put your life on pause waiting for that. You deserve better.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

-Blu

[Nate14]

Well had to work an extra shift today at work. Usually my day with the kids. W watched them, got home and W made supper. While she was making supper I asked her about the house appraisal that happened today and how that's looking. She will hear back about it in 48 hours. Then she is gonna go to a mortgage broker to see if she can handle the mortgage on her own. I hope she can, then my kids get to stay in the house and not much in the way of uprooting them from their lives. I would get payed out and our physical seperation would happen much quicker. She would then get a real taste of what a week without our kids would look like. I know that's gonna kill her inside. Hoping that's what cuts the fog. Although the week I have them she may really enjoy the freedom to move the OM into the house. Double edged sword I guess. Not gonna worry about her and her life though. Not my business anymore.

Anyways, while she was cooking supper I was sitting with my S while he played PlayStation and she came over and invited me to eat with them. I respectfully declined and said that it did smell good though. I'm never sure what to do in those situations. Was that the correct was to DB? I mean I also don't want the kids confused that we do things as a family as well and then all of a sudden we're off again. Don't want to confuse and I think it's best. I just went upstairs and doing my own thing. Actually writing this right now. My S first soccer game is tonight. Even though it's my day. Not gonna be an ass and try to get her to respect my time with the kids. Not yet at least. Not till we are physically seperated. Plus she had them mostly today due to me working anyways. When it's my week with the kids I will be getting my mother to watch the kids and not my W. She is gonna see what a full seperation really looks like at that point.

I'm a little worried she won't be able to buy me out of the house. The plan after that will be to sell the house and split everything. That's gonna take more time and I'll be in this stupid limbo phase for much longer. Not sure if the fog will remain for longer then since I'm still physically in the house. I feel I just really need this seperation. I can't take the fact she is contacting the OM and I'm supposed to just put up with it. Makes me mad and want to start an argument for the sake of arguing. I keep myself in check though and remain calm and pleasant. Don't know how many days, weeks, months I have in me to keep letting all this bs slide. I hate the re writing of our marital history, the blatant lying, the avoidance. I mean really, does she really believe she is fooling me or others for that fact? Time to give it up. Anyways it seems I'm starting to rant more now than anything. So I'll leave it there for today.

[1313]

Nate,
sadly I'm not sure anything is going to "cut through the fog", the WW do a lot of things to talk themselves into a new reality. At least in my case the thought of everything we've built over 30 years simply being liquidated doesn't seem to do the trick. Doing your own thing is the right thing, just remember to act "as if", and you've got a roommate you only need to be civil to, no more.

I too was a gullible fool, saw all the signs and lived in denial. I guess her having always hated texting and suddenly starting to text a lot should have been some sort of clue, but it wasn't. Isn't it great when they do it right in front of you? That's the WW resentment, lack of respect and rebellion in a nutshell.

You just keep thinking about improving you, and keeping your S&D as sheltered from the coming insanity as possible. Feel free to come and just rant - you'll need some sort of release valve from time to time and can't scare too many friends!

[Nate14]

Wow. 30 years. Man I'm sorry to hear that. I'm having a hard time with 10. Yeah I'm not enjoying this A taking place in front of my face. I am acting "as if" wish their was some feedback to all this. I know I can't have any expectations though. Will only lead to disappointment. I am definitely preparing my kids and myself for impact. I know I'm leaving one way or another. It's just a matter if the W and Kids will be moving too. Gonna be a sad day, I already know it's gonna be tough and she's got her head in the clouds as to how this is all gonna go down. Yup. I see all the rebellious acts and just sit in awe of how she has lost her freaking mind. I guess she found herself though. (Sarcasm) her happiness comes at such a high price to so many other people.

[Nate14]

So I found Sandi2's post about the nice guy and women respecting their spouses interesting. I've never really been a pushover. At least I don't think so. More complacent but I guess I have been too easy going with my family. Anyways, tonight after I got home from my S soccer game. I had a hotdog for supper and ate by myself instead of with the family earlier. We also took seperated vehicles to the soccer field. She seemed to have her mad on today. Not sure if it's cause I refused supper earlier or not but whatever. That's her problem. So my kids asked me if they could have a hot dog too. I replied "sure you guys can" my W cuts me off and says. No if your not gonna eat what I made you guys for supper then you don't get a hotdog. I spoke up and said I already told them so they can have one. She got mad and stormed out of the house. Don't know where she went off too but, I put my foot down and overrode her with the kids. She's mad now. Not sure how that relates to the rules but I feel she needs a little harshness from me. I've been good for the past week going as dark as I can and trying to detach and GALIng etc. today we were around each other at soccer and after soccer and I decided to stand up for my kids and my decisision, not sure if that's helping my cause. I need to put claims control in my life and make her realize I get a say as well. Was that the wrong Thing to do? What you all think? I felt the anger oozing from her after that. Which I haven't seen in days.