im kinda feeling the same today as yesterday. this is such a new feeling for me. its not that i dislike her, but i am enjoying the break from her. im finially not walking on egg shells. there is still a small void in my life. but for now a 1000lb weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
i also just had a thought of how to improve myself. i have a bad habit of reacting to things instead of thinking through things sometimes. i am starting a new rule with myself. from now on, dealing with her, when something stirs me up or if i feel like i am going to react. i am going to stop, look at the clock and wait 1 hour before saying or doing anything. i am also going to talk to one friend first. im calling it my stop 1-1 rule. hopefully this pause, and opportunity to vent my be just what the dr. ordered for me.
Yes! Great PMA, e04355! You get to keep moving forward and enjoying your life with her or without her. You don't have anything to prove to her and you don't need her approval. DB is for YOU. Not to win her back.
As you grow in your confidence and independence, she will probably notice over time. If she doesn't, well then you keep moving forward without her!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
im starting to see it more and more that way. little by little i am pulling away from her in ways that i never saw before. it not easy. and i still have days that i want to pull my hair out. if only, or if she would just..... but i guess this is what its all about. me and the kids, and a brighter tomorrow.
Yes, exactly. This is about you, your kids, and moving forward. Some days will be brighter than others. Some days will be very difficult and even painful; that is normal and okay. Allow yourself to grieve, feel it, and then let it pass through you. You don't want to deny yourself that process because it is essential to healing. If it helps, think of this like a death. It is a huge loss, and so you don't need to deny yourself that sadness. And like any grief process, it will get easier over time. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, but you WILL get there in time.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
she is starting to try and lean on me emotionally. ive been friendly and slightly supportive, but im trying to keep her at arms reach, by keeping the conversation short. but i find it to be a struggle. i feel like she is taking advantage of my good nature. i dont know where to draw the line.
example. yesterday her cat had kittens and she wanted to tell me all about it.
and today her brother is really depressed about a girl dumping him. and she wanted to tell me all about that. i listened, i was warm about it. but maybe too warm.
she hasn't committed to our marriage, and i feel like she is trying to be my friend. i dont want to be her friend. im looking at this as me either being her husband, or a stranger.
this has been her pattern lately. do i need to shut behavior down? or entertain it and see where it goes?
I don't think that its your choice to be her husband, she is the one that needs to make that choice and it will only come if she is committed to the marriage. Till then, she is probably cake-eating, so keep doing you, whilst validating her.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
she is starting to try and lean on me emotionally. ive been friendly and slightly supportive, but im trying to keep her at arms reach, by keeping the conversation short. but i find it to be a struggle. i feel like she is taking advantage of my good nature. i dont know where to draw the line.
example. yesterday her cat had kittens and she wanted to tell me all about it.
and today her brother is really depressed about a girl dumping him. and she wanted to tell me all about that. i listened, i was warm about it. but maybe too warm.
she hasn't committed to our marriage, and i feel like she is trying to be my friend. i dont want to be her friend. im looking at this as me either being her husband, or a stranger.
this has been her pattern lately. do i need to shut behavior down? or entertain it and see where it goes?
This is tough. I can tell you really care about her and want to be supportive, but I do think she is cake eating. I don't think you want a friendship with her, you want a M with her, and so I think you need to pull back. You can still be a "nice guy," and have firm boundaries! Those are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe listen briefly, validate, and then exit the conversation. If she tries to hang on to the conversation or start a R talk, then perhaps you can remind her that it is her choice to not be in the R with you, that you wish that things were not that way, but for her to please let you know if that changes. If she is willing to work on the R with you, then you will do what it takes to make the changes necessary to be a better partner. Right now she has given you a lot to think about, but you need to create some space for yourself. Then exit conversation. Can you imagine saying that?
Just my 2 cents. I am sure Sandi can give you better advice!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
this is has been my struggle for the last year. where to draw the line, or when to pull back. she slowly [censored] me into her life little by little. until we are friends again and then thats where it stops for her. i dont want to get to that point again.
in the past, the point i am at right now, i would have started persuing her. but im not this time. this is a change for me. and she will start to notice that soon, if she hasnt already. i have not started a single conversation with her in almost 3 weeks. i dont intend to persue her at all.
she comes to me, or we dont talk. she is even contacting me first before i have a chance to talk to her about the kids. this is new. she used to be a last min. type person. now, i get a text 24 hours in advance from her.
but like i said, this is new ground for me. this is where i would have started with her. but ive played that game a few times and lost. so i guess ive reached my line in the sand. my no fly zone.
So are you avoiding pursuing her now? I'm a little confused in my situation as well. The coach told me to be friends with my WW, but not pursue her. I guess all of us have to find the balance for ourselves.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
