I read my last post and should clarify - I'm not off this site, I'm off on my own (moving out) to go work on myself because that's the only person I can work on.
A question for any WW out there. Do you always know what you are doing is wrong or hurtful? I ask becuase my W had an EA years ago. She has never apologized and we discussed it again recently and she says doesn't understand why it was a problem. Is it possible she is that out of touch or is she saying that as a coping mechanism.
I'm starting to look at my relationship in a different light. As I've talked with a trusted friend about what is going on I am saddened by many things that I am saying. As I talk about how things have gone in my marriage it isn't good. I've made many, many mistakes, but I'm also seeing how poorly I have been treated. I don't believe my W was intentionally trying to hurt me. In many cases she probably didn't know she was hurting me. None-the-less there has been lots of hurt. Will we be able to heal any of it?
I was talking to my W's sister today about a completely different topic. (Sister has no idea what is going on.) In the conversation she was talking about their upbringing and how the family dealt with conflict. It was quite revealing. Been married more than 10 years and none of this has ever been brought up before.
1) I told my wife a few nights ago that she must cease all communication with her former EA including not being friends on FB. She told me that was unfair, but I notice she has unfriended him. She hasn't said anything to me.
2) I'm leaving for the weekend to give her space. By what I see on this forum, most people believe she should be the one to leave. My belief is she should get a dose of real life, her alone with a house and kids, not a free weekend to do as she pleases.
A friend told me yesterday "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener wherever it gets watered, fertilized and cared for." If she doesn't want to water and fertilize and take care of our family of course the grass will turn brown.
I've thought about contacting W's parents/sibilings. I haven't acted on this nor would I without lots and lots of serious comtemplation and research on pros/cons. I see LOTS of reasons not to. However, I just wonder what my W's support network would think if they knew what she was doing. I guess my thoughts about this is I'm looking for something to smack my W in the head and say - umm, maybe you could work on your issues a little and stop blaming someone else for where you are.
A lot of H's in the same shoes have tried going to the in-laws for support. Even when the H is very close to his W's family, the bottom line is that she is their flesh & blood and although they may not be happy with her choices, the parents will support their daughter. One H was extremely close to his FIL, but the W's mother supported her and the dad said he could do nothing about it.
The WW is going to do all she can to make, at least one of her parents (usually the mother) believe she is justified in feeling and doing what she's doing.
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A question for any WW out there. Do you always know what you are doing is wrong or hurtful? I ask becuase my W had an EA years ago. She has never apologized and we discussed it again recently and she says doesn't understand why it was a problem. Is it possible she is that out of touch or is she saying that as a coping mechanism.
Unless I have missed someone, I think I may be the only former WW around here. To answer your question, yes she certainly does know it is wrong and hurtful. What a lot of H's don't get is that the WW simply doesn't care. Her selfishness drives her decisions, and if a hint of guilt tries to creep in, she'll quickly justify herself and continue with her waywardness.
I was probably about as straight laced and proper wife as anyone, and yet, when I reached the rebellious stage........I really don't remember having much guilt at all, but it wasn't b/c I didn't know better. It is just so difficult for H's to realize that his W could be so opposite of who she once was. And to him, it seem as if it took place overnight.
If your W never apologized or showed any signs of remorse after the previous EA, then she never repented, and it was swept under the rug. A woman can stop an A, and remain wayward in her heart. It shows in her attitude, and the way she talks to her H, and the way she treats him. He may try to overlook it, but it all boils down to her disrespect and resentment toward him.
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1) I told my wife a few nights ago that she must cease all communication with her former EA including not being friends on FB. She told me that was unfair, but I notice she has unfriended him. She hasn't said anything to me.
Did you read the link on setting boundaries? I recommend you study up on it and then decide what your personal boundaries will be, based on your values and belief system. Ask yourself what you cannot tolerate in your life, and then ask yourself what you cannot live without. (And please don't say your W, like some guys have said).
Boundaries are placed to protect us. Imagine a circle drawn around you, and you decide what comes into that circle and what doesn't. You have to protect your feelings. For example, let's say one of your boundaries is that you will not tolerate a lack of respect in your own home......or from your wife and children. In order for this to be an effective boundary, there has to be a consequence if it is not honored. All boundaries must have effective consequences if not honored. Simply telling her that it is your boundary does nothing! She isn't going to start honoring your boundary just b/c you said it was a boundary.
Here's the tricky part about boundaries, you are the only one who can do any action. Let's say your WW does something to show her lack of respect for you. You would need to do something that would be an effective consequence for disrespecting you. ( Of course, I am not referring to any sort of violence, or abuse). Here's another tricky part. Boundaries are not about dictating what the other person can do or not do. It's not laying down the law, or giving an ultimatum. Your wife is free to make choices. Boundaries are set to protect your feelings. So, it is about you and protecting you. If she chooses to not honor your boundary....that is her choice. With that in mind, what would you do that involved only you doing some type of action that she would see as a consequence for her choosing to disrespect you?
I have seen a lot of soft guys say that they will leave the room, or some other melty-cheese stuff. Well, what does that solve? He's already being bullied by her, so if he runs off to hide every time she disrespects him.......it will continue. He would have to do something that would not be worth it to her to continue to show disrespect. The problem is that most guys don't want to do the tough stuff. They want to cow down and continue to eat cr@p. He has to enforce his boundary by having a tougher consequence.
I remember one man told his W that if she continued slamming the cabinets doors (b/c she was pi$$ed at him), that he would leave and file for separation. WOW! That is a little extreme, IMO, but you can't say he wasn't tough. I would not recommend use that consequence for everything, but maybe it was related to her show of disrespect, I don't remember. The point is that she still had a free choice, and she could continue slamming cabinet doors and throw in the pots & pans, if she wanted. He was not dictating what she had to do. He just told her what he would do if she continued.
I'm not that good explaining about boundaries, so please read the link Cadet gave. Oh, and be sure of one thing. She will test you to see if you will really carry through. So never state a boundary that you are not prepared to back up. And don't start going around crowing about boundaries all of a sudden. Study it, first, and make sure you know what you are doing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for your repsonses and sharing of wisdom. I am not going to the in-laws for support. Like most, you hope that a stern talking to by mom or dad would do the trick, but in reality the W would see it as a violation of trust, would try to convince her parents she is right, etc. Not good. I realize that.
No, my W has never repented. I doubt she ever will until she can come to grips with some self-esteem, self-confidence and self-awareness issues.
I have read the link on boundaries. The boundary was not made lightly and I tried to state it as best I could about me. I didn't tell her she had to do it and even emphasized that this is her choice not mine. I stated it similar to this - You have told me that separation will give you time and space to figure out if reconciliation is possible. In my mind reconciliation is not possible if there is any communication with the EA, including a connection on FB. She bristled and I then stated, when I say reconciliation is not possible I mean I will file for D immediately.
I followed up with, "If you would like a few days to mull this over I'm okay with that and I will check back with you for your answer." She requested a few days, the FB friend was gone within 12 hours. I will ask her for her decision on Sunday.
I feel the boundary was clear and the consequence was clear. Will I follow through - Yes. I know others have differing view points and that is okay. I will no longer eat cr@p.
you hope that a stern talking to by mom or dad would do the trick, but in reality the W would see it as a violation of trust, would try to convince her parents she is right, etc. Not good. I realize that.
Also, how strong do you think that makes you look...bringing in mommy or daddy to help you. If that was your child (just saying) would you bring in gramma or grandpa to help with their behavior??? getting advice from them is one thing but having them come in and speak with your child...UUGH...
Like I said, I haven't contacted her family. I'm putting my thoughts down - I considered it because I wanted a certain outcome, but after contemplating it there was a snowballs chance I would get that outcome.
A cryptic text message makes me wonder what it means. Then a phone call about the kids makes me wonder what she's thinking. Why does she have the control over what happens???
Been working on myself as much as I can. Been busy being social and reconnecting with friends and family. Also been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as recommended. Yep, that's me, Mr. Nice Guy.
Like I said, I haven't contacted her family. I'm putting my thoughts down - I considered it because I wanted a certain outcome, but after contemplating it there was a snowballs chance I would get that outcome.
In-laws are never reliable. In my case, after I told my MIL what was REALLY happening, she was shocked and fully supported our marriage. She had a night of stern talking to my WW, sent her packing back home and ordered her to stay home. That was all good until two weeks later, my WW apparently threatened to commit suicide if she made her stay in the marriage. Then MIL caved and gave her $6K for her L's retainer to sue me for divorce. :-(
Blood is thicker than water.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
