Wife files divorce after I confronted her 2nd EA

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Georgia,
Step #1 won't work, she refused it before, and I just found out that OM is "visiting" and my WW met him this morning. God knows what they were doing together. She's been telling everyone that he's not even in the picture.

I am so upset. I need a "nuclear" button to push!

It would work if she did it.

No contact is Step #1 to recovery.

"Dropping Her" is step one to divorce.

You are still stuck in the middle.

Sorry to hear that OM's in town. What an incredibly hurtful thing to learn. You know what they are probably doing. I'd suggest you interfere with his visit and stand up to him but I know that is unlikely. She's probably using your money to pay for him to come visit.

Well...you have a choice now. Did she already move out? You've fought a good fight for about 6 months now so maybe now is the time, you're done and just too devastated to continue and don't care that it might make you slightly to significantly more likely to end up divorced...you just need away from her and the pain. If that's the case - send her an email now or in the next couple days telling her that although you love her and hoped to reconcile it's just too painful for you to continue in a relationship with her while she maintains any contact whatsoever with OM and if she ends it with him (no contact for life) and commits to a recovery program you may be wiling to consider reconciliation at that time; but until then, you no longer want to see or speak to her and all communication regarding the children shall from this day forward go through a neutral third party (her mother, a friend, etc).


There's a chance OM will be a huge disappointment. She hasn't seen him in nearly 30 years. He MAY just end up telling her she needs to figure out her marriage and he regrets his first divorce immensely. I doubt it...but you never know. It's completely impractical that they ever end up together so maybe this visit (once it's over) - combined with you going dark on her....will end up with her 2nd guessing her choices.

Again...don't go dark to manipulate. You do it to protect you and your sanity and to bottle up any remaining hope you have for your marriage until the day she decides to abide by your terms. If you do it...you MUST stand by your decision and not get wishy washy and start spending time again with her next week "co-parenting" the children. If there is any hope in it being effective...it has to be in stark contrast to the loving approach you had been taking and the complete removal of all the need meeting you were doing previously.

It's your life and your call.

[CWOL]

Georgia,
The things you mentioned are at least 2-3 years down the line. I have a house here with only my name on the title. But because part of the mortgage was paid after we got married, my WW will claim part of the price appreciation during the marriage (it went up 4X). So I cannot sell the house until the D is final.
Also, it is virtually impossible to move out of state here, or even out of the area. The courts here will give preference for maintaining a stable environment for our S11. That is why my WW (and me through her) had to pay through the nose in order to rent an apartment in our very expensive area. If she were to live in another city outside the district, she will lose her claim to custody over S11.
Realistically, even if I get a great job at double my current salary in NYC, I will lose my 50% custody and become an absentee father.
The deck is definitely stacked against me.

[CWOL]

Sandi,
Not sure if you agree with Georgia's recommendations, they are very much 180 from yours. I'm very much conflicted on how to proceed right now.

In reality it is very difficult for me to "drop her." My S11's baseball games are public so she's going to invite herself to the game no matter what. We can sit far apart from each other (I've seen other divorced couples do that) but we cannot avoid seeing each other. Also the custody arrangement that we have is that she will take him to his practices on my days when they are early. (Little League always schedule 4pm team practices three times a week!)

The one thing I can do is stop inviting her to meals and just take S11 by ourselves whenever I can. I guess it depends on which way I go with this...

[sandi2]

Look, I was not telling you the steps to divorce her. I was telling you to drop her, as in dropping the rope. And yes, MWD does teach that when nothing else works, to drop it. What MWD has done, is come on this board to say she does not support exposure........so why GB wants to pull that card with what I've said.......when he fiercely advises what is contrary to MWD.

I did not read all of GB posts and I am not going to battle with him. What good would it do you, or anyone? For the record, I agree with a lot of things he usually says, but we do have a difference of beliefs in what works and doesn't work with wayward wives. Mainly, b/c he advises methods of pursuit, and I don't agree with those methods. However, I don't make it my mission to post behind him and try to tell people he's wrong, etc., etc.

You asked for me to look at your thread and help you, b/c your WW was taking full advantage of having the best of both worlds. I believe you said something about how to turn things around to your advantage. I tell you to start with dropping her, and stop letting her cake eat by taking her out to dinner and driving her to the games, etc. Then, you immediately say you can't.

Look, I was not telling you to divorce her. I was telling you to drop her, as in dropping the rope. And yes, MWD does teach that when nothing else works, to drop it. What she has done, is come on this board to say she does not encourage exposure........so why GB wants to pull that card with what I've said.......when he fiercely advises contrary to MWD, seems a little hypocritical, but whatever.

In reality it is very difficult for me to "drop her." My S11's baseball games are public so she's going to invite herself to the game no matter what. We can sit far apart from each other (I've seen other divorced couples do that) but we cannot avoid seeing each other. Also the custody arrangement that we have is that she will take him to his practices on my days when they are early. (Little League always schedule 4pm team practices three times a week!)

I told you to stop acting as if the two of you were a couple. Of course his games are public and you can't help but see her there. That is not what I told you. I told you to stop taking her to the games. Let her get there some other way, but you are not her escort.

You have to decide which way you want to go with this. It's your life.

[1313]

CWOL,
this is really sounding like you need to look at the "as if". Treat your W as you would a neighbor across the street, or the checkout clerk. But nothing more.

I know when you're going to be seeing each other it's difficult, but would you be packing up strangers and taking them to lunch? Or just be courteous to them if you wind up having to communicate?

All I can put out there is what you've done isn't working. If you cannot DR, then you can't. But boy, if I were in your shoes I'd be giving it a heck of a try. It's one thing if there's difficulty between 2 spouses, but when an OP gets involved, things change dramatically. Either way, I wish to God I had found MWD 6-8 months ago. I looked, but I found the wrong sources. The ones that made sense. I can tell you - it didn't work.

[CWOL]

I told you to stop acting as if the two of you were a couple. Of course his games are public and you can't help but see her there. That is not what I told you. I told you to stop taking her to the games. Let her get there some other way, but you are not her escort.

I get the distinction now, it's not going to be easy for sure.

[CWOL]

All I can put out there is what you've done isn't working. If you cannot DR, then you can't. But boy, if I were in your shoes I'd be giving it a heck of a try. It's one thing if there's difficulty between 2 spouses, but when an OP gets involved, things change dramatically. Either way, I wish to God I had found MWD 6-8 months ago. I looked, but I found the wrong sources. The ones that made sense. I can tell you - it didn't work.

I think the "as if" will get much easier once she moves out, which is imminent now.

[CWOL]

I'm still waking up 3-4 times every night. I usually have vivid dreams then when I wake up lying in bed trying to go back to sleep, I have a lot of dark thoughts and self-doubt.

How could she manipulate me for 18 years, at least 9 communicating with OM behind my back?
How could I have been such a fool to not look at her phone earlier in the marriage, when she had an EA already? I'm the one that set up her phone in the first place!
How can the laws be so screwed up as to punish the LBH by garnishing 1/2 his paycheck, when he's not the one to stray from his marriage contract?
How could she not understand how much she is hurting me, after all the things we've been through for 18 years?

I just want to scream, ahhh! I have a strong desire to punish her but there is nothing I can do. In fact, she seems to be relish her soon-to-be-freedom. With the D proceedings, almost every step of the way I am being lashed by the laws, whether it's calculating her support, garnishing my paychecks, etc.

I know the solution is to detach but it is so hard at 3 AM. So many irrational thoughts. My AD doesn't seem to help with these.

[DDJ]

I awoke 4 times last night, and my WW slept like a baby.

Who said life was fair. You have fallen and you will continue to fall. But then one day, you will pick yourself up.

Everyone talks about "getting back onto the horse", and no-one really understands that you have to fall off it first.

If you can have hope for a better future, then you need to give up hope for today. It's still hope, just a change of focus.

I love that one signature about the fish that sang... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

[CWOL]

DDJ,
I'm having trouble seeing a better future. Realistically, I see myself gored, with:

My WW sneering at me, carrying on with OM (I get a taste of this when I hear her talking to her mother or OM)
Half a paycheck (she'll even get half my bonuses or raises)
Half my assets gone
Paying off WW to keep the house I bought before I married her and 100% paid for by my income
Big chunk of money gone to legal fees
Mustering up confidence to date again at 47
Finding a woman I would want to date
Not seeing my son 1/2 the time
Not able to get the best for S11, whether it's private school later or college fund

The only positive I have left in life now is my S11. He does bring me joy every time I'm around him.

Can anyone help me get through these dark times? Am I missing something? I really don't see much future to look forward to.