Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[NDY]

Hey buddy. Thought I'd drop by.

So yea, she's annoyed that you can't accommodate the time off required in the summer with the kids. My question would be why those particular 3 weeks?

Let's be honest here. Before you and her broke up this wouldn't have been an issue. But now? So I get the 50/50 thing. I've just done the same with the STBXW and agreed what time I spend with S10 and what time she spends with him. All very amicable.

But more to the point. The feeling loss thing. I have no idea if my STBXW feels any loss. None, but now I done care. And I think this is a crucial juncture. She's p!ssed at me because the finalisation of the financials of the D isn't going her way. Tough.

Remember how I said I think she should pay for the D? Well, she doesn't like that.

However. Your point about meeting someone else. I thought about this as well and realised, for me at least it was only pride that kept me hanging on.

So I let it go, just like V said I should do.

And I'm much happier now.

Peace

[Huddy]

Well hello NDY!

I have two theories as to why she wants me to have specific weeks off. Theory one is simple - she's 'seeing' somebody, and wants a romantic break without the kids. Well, tough, because if that is the case, new man would have to like kids anyway. Theory two is about her planned cosmetic surgery. I guess she might want those weeks to have the deed done and then have the required recovery time. She has asked that I take SD with me as well, but I've said no, as she's 21 this year and I doubt she'd want to spend time with me than her boyfriend.

Talking about the cosmetic surgery, the cost is £11k, and I have no idea how she would fund that. My S brought his laptop with him last week, and W had been using it and left a tab open with her finance options on it. Unless she's won the lottery, somebody else is paying or she's planning on a credit agreement for the next 10 years, she can't afford it.

The loss thing has to happen at some point. Who hasn't made a decision and then thought about it afterwards? Your W will feel it at some point. Has she had the baby yet? Will this cramp OM's style?

It's difficult to make that decision to give up. I'm trying to wrestle with this problem now. I don't want to be the one who threw in the towel, but, I don't want to be on my lonesome for evermore. I keep thinking about if the boot was on the other foot. I would have applied for a D as soon as I can; wanted NC etc. etc. and she is still uber curious about my movements. I digress.

[NDY]

Hi mate

Yea, she's had the baby. I don't know if it's cramping his style. I doubt it at the moment. You know what it's like having your first (known about in his case) child.

Anyway I'm in an interesting position right now. Basically my STBXW wants to divorce me due to the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage rather than me divorcing her due to her adultry. For some reason she's arguing that me divorcing her due to her adultry will somehow deteriorate our non existing R to the detriment of S10.

I know this is kind reading but to be the shame of what she's done is starting to play on her mind. I'm going to contact her directly about this but before I do I may well just re post here to see what others think.

[roist]

Ndy

Call a spade a spade.

Huddy, you can hold onto that towel as long as you like. You can do whatever you want with it, but until the day W wants to R it is academic. It should not be your focus. Live your life. I don't think that you are ready to date but go socialize if you want.

I too would have filed immediately in her shoes but we are not in her shoes.

You are only six weeks away from her first six monthly review of your separation!!!! I wonder does she remember saying that.

Anyway best wishes. By the way where are you going with the kids?

[Huddy]

Hi NDY

That would be guilt eating at her then. Whilst I wish no mental harm to your son, you have to be truthful about the situation - right? I'm sure OM will find the restrictions on his social life kicking in at some point.

We must get that beer soon!

Hi Roist

It's not my focus. I am socialising as and when and have no trouble filling up my day. Again, my kids are my focus right now.

Six monthly review! Ha ha, I guess she can't even remember what she did last week. Me and the kids are having a long weekend in Brighton, on the south coast of the UK in July!

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Your W leaving a tab open on your Ss computer seems more than an accident to me I'm not even going to try to understand why she would do it but just to say it was no accident

The three weeks holiday request , again , who knows ? She is clearly not thinking straight and maybe she is planning on winning the euro millions this week and is jetting off to Jamaica with Brad Pitt !!!!!

From your posts you are still affected by her behaviour ( as are many of us ) and I would hope that you can shelld that from her when she sees you

We have no idea of their thoughts and any regrets or not that they may be having BUT she would have to be a very , very cold person not to see the growth and way you are moving on with your life and this has to have some affect on her even if she's glad you have moved on.

From my experience on this site , you are still very much at the early stages of this. It seems years are often involved for them to see the light and really feel loss

Stay strong mate. Take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Hi Rd

I'll admit that I struggle to understand how and why I'm at this situation. To go from a perfectly normal, loving woman to a complete nightmare in days was frightening to watch. I don't let her moods influence me, I just look for signs of fog lifting. I'm still at the stage of 'what if'; you know, not wanting to branch out unless there is a comeback. I think you'll understand what I mean! W only sees a confident, happy, fitter Huddy! Any anxiety/worry manifests itself as nightmares (bugger, I'd thought that was over).

As for coldness, I can only say she is freezing. Take yesterday. My D twisted her ankle at school and I welcomed her in with D, but instead of putting her on the setee, she put her on the floor, making her limp, so she didn't go in to the living room. When she returned, I carried my D to her car, but my W didn't even say 'thanks' or 'bye' even though the kids were shouting 'love you' and 'you're the best dad' out of the window.

I did read, I think in one of sandi2's posts, that she felt resentment for how her H coped so well during the melee, and that showed as coldness and verged on hatred, but was part of the 'ever famous' script!

All I can say, is that I feel OK, feel fitter, getting on with life but not looking for any other woman right now, even though I do miss the intimacy. My kids are doing OK (although on Friday my D tried to put my hands on W's and W looked away) and I do feel for them - they just want it back to normal.

Whilst I am posting on my thread at the moment, I'm not really posting on anybody else's, although I am reading a few newbies. I don't feel I can offer anything 'new', as most newbies enter this site for hope, and I can't really give them that nugget their looking for right now.

[Huddy]

This is a shout out to sandi2 in particular, but I'm keen to hear from anybody else from the 'old timers' circle.

I have the kids this weekend. We've had fun, and went on a big trip to Glasgow to go to the Lego store to pick up some bricks for my D who loves it. My S (who is autistic) doesn't really bother with toys, but loves to go on the bus/train, so we went on the Glasgow Subway as his treat. As another treat, we went to the fish and chip shop!

All OK until 0100 this morning, when D was as sick as a dog. After I cleaned up etc., I texted W to let her know and asked her to call me in the morning. I stayed up all night as D was poorly another two times - I'm knackered!

Instead of calling, W TEXTED three times to ask questions this morning instead of calling. In response, I called her because D wanted to talk to her.

I asked W why she hadn't called, and she said 'I was busy'. I was angry at this and asked what was so important that she couldn't be bothered to call her D? W had a phone conversation with D and then passes it back to me. She then asked how S had been. I told her he had had some 'meltdowns' (a symptom of autism, unfortunately) and she then said 'well,if you asked about him, you'd know he has been diagnosed with ADHD and I've got an appointment on XXth of May to see about his new medication'. I said that it was up to her to tell when these things happen. She responded with 'well, you never ask how my day has been'. I responded with you never ask how my day is and she said 'I don't care how your day has been'. The conversation kind of ended with me saying she needn't come early for the kids and she said 'well, what time' and I responded with the normal time as I had things to do and was busy myself (I'm only going to the gym - but she doesn't know that).

So, I'm asking for advice, again! Unfortunately, I've been here so long, I kind of know the tricks a WW/WAW pulls. Most of the above is shifting guilt to me (I should ask how her day went etc.) but, I just can't see any light here at all. She is cold, totally unloving and when she talks to me, it's as if she hates me. I've followed all the rules since we 'split' properly in December, but I just can't see how she can't see changes in me, see how much I care for the kids, how well I've detatched, but the bitterness burns bright and I don't know why.

Have I missed a rule or technique that I should have followed? Is this still the 'Princess' behaviour in action, after so long? I don't normally bother sandi2 - she's busy with newbies, but surely this behaviour can't last this long without any form of remorse?

I probably shouldn't ask for advice - I haven't been giving any as I feel I can't give any hope to any newbies, so I don't really deserve any.

Just feeling a bit down right now. One of those days!

[sandi2]

To me, she contines with her entitlement attitude. You see how quickly she made it all about her? When she can't control you, then she finds a way to punish you. She withholds information on your son because you don't ask about her day.

I have known a few women who never let go of their princess entitlement. They had it before, during, and after marriage.

I really hate that you are still having to endure her wrath. I think she knows she hold the reigns because of the kids. So, that's what she will use to hurt you.

[Painter]

Now you know it needs to be spelled out in your custody agreement that both parents shall promptly inform the other of school and medical issues and appointments they make, make sure the other parent can participate in upcoming appointments, and that there can be no unilateral actions.

She's not going to become reasonable, I think.