Wife files divorce after I confronted her 2nd EA

[trumpet]

My wife, with her 1,200+ texts and hundreds of phone calls to OM, every MONTH, still firmly believes OM is 'just a friend'. Everyone she talks to knows 'it's just a friend'.

It's like the old wife watched her brain ooze out of her right ear, shrugged her shoulders, and crammed another brain into her skull. Completely different woman.

No way to stop the alien infestation. My restarting the D only made her more enboldened to continue the EA, now taking birth control, lost 50 lbs, buying new clothes, in anticipation of her new life with OM.

Ugh.

Hang in there boys, we're in for some chop!

[CWOL]

Yes, that's why I give her email transcript to those who are interested who question "the friendship."
Just picked up her 20 minute phone call to OM this morning... Ugh, I am so upset, they are chatting about photos they shared, etc. I can see why snooping is not good for my mental health, I was just trying to uncover her next legal strategy.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2
A lot of women want to live the single life and keep a foot in the M, too. They want the best of both worlds. We call it cake eating. They usually want all the advantages they had in the M, without the disadvantages. You know, like enjoying family times together. Doing things "as a family".......and of course, it's always "for the sake of the kids". No, it's for the sake of the WW! Everything is about her. She will still want to rule the roost, and partake in family events, maybe even have her time to cry on your shoulder when things don't go like she thought they would, or she'll expect you to run over ever times she beckons...........you know, kind of like she is still playing the role of your W, but she's not really.

Sandi, what you described is what my WW envisions as "amicable co-parenting." Even though she's knee-deep in our divorce proceedings, she still goes out to dinner with my son and I and we drive together to his baseball games. She's getting half my paycheck for alimony and child support, yet she demands that I pay for various things up front.

Maybe you can come over to my thread to help me strategize the best way to steer this to my advantage?

The WW's definition of amicable co-parenting is "cake eating". I have seen both the WW and the LBH'S use their kids for an excuse all through this forum. The WW gets her need for feeling like a family, and the H gets to be near her. But it is twisted and it does work toward the WW ending her A and wanting to be a real wife to her H.

I believe a H should look at this as if he were remarried and had a life with someone else. Would he invite his ex-WW to have dinner with him and the kids? Would he take her to the games and sit with her as though they were still M? Would she be included in the family events? Not if he intended staying M to his new W!

And let's say she got M to someone else. That would put the brakes on her inviting herself to join you and the kids.

My grown children are divorced. After the initial pain finally settled, they had the most amicable divorces of anyone I have ever known. But the ONLY time their ex's were included in the family gathering has been when there was a death. When the kids have something special at school, we all attend and are friendly......but we don't ride together and sit together b/c the ex's are M to other people. (Btw, the ex's were both involved in affairs......FWIW). There will always be things with the kids that bring the two sides together at the same location or event.

You may not want to use what I've suggested as any type of guideline. Your WW is taking full advantage, as usual. When she doesn't get her way, she pulls the "amicable co-parenting" card. Now there may be some nuts on the Internet who suggests doing what she wants, but from what I have read..........nothing was ever said about the parents acting as though they are still a couple, joining together to have meals or go to games, or whatever. It seems to me that would be more confusing or get the hopes up for the kids. So, she is still using you and pushing you around, just like before.

She is not going to change as long as you cater to her. She has the best of both worlds, and she knows it. Want my honest advice about your situation? Drop her! That's the only hope in getting back the real W you want. She still has you! Can't you see that? You have to drop her and stop playing as if you are still a couple. It's not fair to the kids, and it is not the definition of amicable co-parenting. It is the definition of the selfishness of a WW cake eating. Stop the spoiling, once and for all.

So, step # 1 is to drop her.

[CWOL]

Thanks for the advice, Sandi.
Yes, I need to drop her, it has been very tough for me to do this but I must do it.

Just found out that she is filing a motion to garnish my paychecks. I just made the very first payment and haven't even been late yet. Can they do that?!? Just sent an email to my L.

[Painter]

CWOL, I don't know which state you live in, but spousal support is on its way out in most places. Would her contact with OM be a factor legally in your state? I know that in my state, infidelity is a reason to not get spousal support at all. In a state like mine, it would be worth hiring a private investigator to get proof, if you at all think this could be a PA.

The advantage for you with spousal support is that it is tax deductible for you, while child support is not, and that spousal support gets added to her income before child support is calculated.

Child support can usually be garnished on the request of the recipient, but you could object, I guess. If she wants CS collected through the state, they'll usually collect the spousal support as well.

I haven't read much about your legal situation, so just wanted to throw that out there.

[CWOL]

The state I'm in is a completely no-fault state. Infidelity is never considered here. Believe me, this is the first fact I checked with the four lawyers I interviewed before retaining my current lawyer.
Also, spousal support (alimony) is definitely NOT on its way out in my state. My L has already tried to grind it down to the minimal but because of the huge disparity in income, basically I share half my take home pay with my WW.
It's completely unfair, since I'm not the one who strayed and is breaking up the family. But unfortunately my state is totally biased against men/dads.

I'm checking with my L to see how we can object to the garnishment.

[CWOL]

Checked with my L, in my lovely state it is not possible to contest garnishment if child support is involved. If there is spousal support in the order, they will garnish it too.
This is terrible.
It's not the money but having it processed through our HR department will be an embarrassment for me.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

So, step # 1 is to drop her.

For the record...the above is contrary to MWD's advice and, since you still hope to save the marriage, is completely manipulative, transparent and more likely to result in you ending up permanently divorced.

If you actually want to be divorced and no longer wish to remain married...then go for it.

If you still want to save your marriage, then Step #1 is "no contact for life with OM" and the more you interfere with OM and that fantasy relationship the better. The fact is...the OM remains living an Ocean away. She's not seen him in person in forever. They aren't having sex. She's completely wayward thinking and lost to you right now but "dropping her" without explanation or reason isn't going to magically wake her up after 29 years or so of cheating on you. Instead...you'll just be giving her what she considers real rationalizations and justifications for leaving you. She say it proves you don't love her (and never did). Being what she would perceives as a jerk ....HELPS her. The reason spending time with her and trying to save the marriage infuriates her is because it's making divorce harder for her to do.

[note - I'm not saying it's never in the history of the world not worked....it just needs to be strategized and framed properly - to be more effective but we are still discussing strategy - there is no perfect strategy - another caveat - dropping the wayward husband works well for betrayed wives so it's understandable women would recommend this strategy]

That being said....I'm a big advocate of Parallel Parenting (google it). In time...if she continues down this path, OM comes to town and you're basically washing your hands of her (unless she comes begging back at which time you might consider it), then explaining to her that her behavior has devastated you and that until such time as she ends her affair (no contact for life) and commits to working a recovery plan with you, that you do not want to see or speak to her any more and that communication regarding the children will need to be handled by a third party then you "drop her" and go to Parallel Parenting parameters for high conflict divorce is the way to go. Now the main reason you actually do this is FOR YOU. To protect your love tank in case she changes her mind soon and because YOU are done trying to save the marriage all by yourself and need to release her because she refuses to change her wayward ways. Going dark is for YOU. It gives you a chance to breath and GAL while your wife deals with the FULL natural consequences of her choices and so OM has to then meet ALL her needs. At that time, I'd also suggest you go dark on your mother in law.....when the kids are with you... don't allow them to see the kids or you at all.

Consider this....if you "drop her" and it "doesn't work" - where do you go from there? If you re-engage - your manipulation by dropping her becomes transparent. So ...when you actually "go dark" you better be doing it FOR YOU...because you are done trying and just can't keep fighting this fight anymore because once you "go dark" behind a boundary of "until you go no contact for life with OM and commit to recovery"....there's no turning back on that. It's not a strategy you can really test.

Going dark is not as effective at ultimately saving your marriage than maintaining as much of a relationship as you can right now and fighting from the inside. Maybe you decide to go dark when she moves out or, I think, in about a month when the high of the initial freedom she feels after moving out starts to wain and the withdrawal will be most poignant. You'll be divorced soon and after a period of withdrawal (you'll both go through withdrawal) chances are...if you go dark now...you'll end up permanently divorced. From what I know about your situation, I think your wife's high need for family time may work in your favor but going dark is still a longshot. Therefore...for the time being and as long as OM doesn't come to the US for a visit....I think you spend as much time with her as possible while stating clearly that after the divorce or if OM visits that you won't remain her friend and she won't see or speak to you anymore. Explain parallel parenting to her too...she has no idea that you two aren't going to be hanging out at every one of the kids activities together and/or that you might not even continue participating in the kids activities anymore especially if she insists on intruding upon your parenting time during such activities. For example...let's says there's a piano recital that is to take place on your custody day. If your wife insists on going...then the kids miss the recital. You don't have to spend time with an abuser "for the kids"....in fact, it's modeling appropriate behavior to your children what they need to do should they find themselves someday in an abusive relationship (which now being from a divorced family makes more likely).....they don't have to suffer for the good of everyone else. Victims of abuse feel trapped by the many family inter-connections and relationships that will forever be effected should they speak out against their abuser. There is significant pressure to just grin and bear it...or, as I've seen even on these boards, "be the bigger person"..... Instead, I say, "you matter". If your wife divorces you without cause and cheats on you with some old boyfriend for over 20 years...then you're substantially better off being as far away from that hurtful abusive person as possible physically and emotionally. You can forgive...but forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation and/or simple tolerance and, in the long run, your kids will be better off because of it. You will be healthier and a better parent being far away from your then ex-wife.

Hopefully it won't come to that....but your wife has been a wayward thinker for over two decades....change is going to be tough for her. It's been less than 6 months...keep trying. It'll be easier once she moves out....don't give up hope.

[CWOL]

Georgia,
Step #1 won't work, she refused it before, and I just found out that OM is "visiting" and my WW met him this morning. God knows what they were doing together. She's been telling everyone that he's not even in the picture.

I am so upset. I need a "nuclear" button to push!

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Checked with my L, in my lovely state it is not possible to contest garnishment if child support is involved. If there is spousal support in the order, they will garnish it too.
This is terrible.
It's not the money but having it processed through our HR department will be an embarrassment for me.

If she drags her feet finding a decent job that will eventually reduce your support and alimony maybe you'll find it easier to petition to allow you to relocate with the kids to another more favorable jurisdiction. Of course, that's not why you petition...instead you request the modification because of the wonderful job opportunity you found in the other state and if your ex-wifes job isn't great there's nothing majorly holding you to that state. I don't know what the rules for relocating are in your state so you might want to look into that. I know New York it's pretty much impossible to relocate but other states are much easier. The sooner you become aware and and start working the weighing factors in your favor the better.

For example, if you happened to live in California here is how the court weighs the "best interest of the children" factors in joint custody cases (if you have sole custody - you can almost always move with the kids):

At the hearing, the court will look at evidence related to the following factors:

1. The importance that the child maintain a stable and continuous environment, considering factors like how much time the child spends with each parent under the current arrangement, how long the current custody order has been in place, as well as the child’s ties to friends, school, and community activities and any special needs the child has
2. the distance of the move
3. the child’s age
4. the child’s relationship with both parents
5. the relationship between the parents, including how well they communicate with each other, whether they’re able to put their child’s interests ahead of their own, and how likely the moving parent is to accommodate contact between the child and the other parent
6. where the child wants to live, if they are of an age and maturity level to make an intelligent preference, as discussed above, and
7. the reasons for the move (while the moving parent does not have to show that the move is necessary, if there is evidence that the purpose of the move is just to disrupt the relationship between the child and the other parent, the court may factor this reason into the decision

I know it's a long shot but another advantage is you could have a smaller salary elsewhere and with the lower cost of living actually be making more ---- but then the alimony and child support would be calculated using your lower (but really equal ) pay and her higher California paycheck.

Your best bet is probably moving where your family lives and having them as additional support. That could help you with the factors. You should consider taking your kids there enough so that when the oldest is able to choose for themselves...they may WANT to relocate with you and that's another factor weighing in your favor. Your wife can either fight an uphill legal battle that she'll have to pay for (at that time she'll be your ex-wife and responsible for her own legal bills) or quit her stupid job making the least amount possible and pick up and move with you to where you are more comfortable (and in time - once jurisdiction is achieved - where you can then seek to modify the child support and alimony pursuant to that more favorable states standards).

It's a long shot....but if it's ever going to happen...you'll need to start planning and getting factors in your favor early.

Added bonus - it might also get your kids away from MIL....who is a bad influence now.