Hi DBers, Our family motto is: If it's going to funny later, it's funny now. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this at the moment... Long story short - while we've had our share of ups and downs over 15.5 years we've been together, we have always had a deep love for each other - a lot of connection over everything from camping and hiking to the movies and music we like, same sense of humor etc. I won't go into the long story - last few months have been stressful for a number of reasons bla bla bla. We had a big fight- same fight,different day- only worse and he went to stay w friends and then came back the next day and moved out a bunch of his stuff. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I immediately started googling for help and found Divorcebusters. I already bought the Divorce Remedy and had my first session with a DB coach last Thursday night. The same day he moved his stuff out he texted me and said 'I'm done' and that he'd blocked my calls and texts. I now know this was a blessing - as I am the codependent over care taking one who fears abandonment (that's the funny part, right?) and would have had a hard time not calling him. So I wasn't ALLOWED to do any of the pursuing behaviors, thankfully! He said he'd call me when he was ready to talk. Finally got an email from him today - repeating the 'I'm done' theme. It's only been 11 days since our fight. I've been getting some helpful advice from a male friend who was separated from his wife for 2 years and they almost divorced but are now together and happy. I am the faith-holder! Would so love any thoughts or support ... Does this ? sound possibly like a mid-life crisis in part? I have the tendency to think everything is my fault, while he tends to the opposite and nothing is his fault. Just trying not to melt down every five minutes and stay strong. I'm 57 and he's 59. No kids. Seeing my therapist on Tuesday thank god, (who by the way, was also once separated from his wife for 2 years). THANKS for reading this.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Cadet, Thanks for your response and helpful links and tips! Luckily I have done NONE of the pursuing behaviors!yeah, me!
I will check out all the links.
One question - what do you mean by: 'Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does' - are you saying that based on your experience here that someone who 2 weeks ago was sending me loving whatsapp messages but is now saying he's 'done' doesn't know what the hell he's feeling/thinking/really wanting? Also, can you clarify what you mean by the 'gift of time' ?? Are you saying time is on my side since I am the one who's committed and knows this can work out? yes, my job is to GAL!!!! Been too focused on my husband as center of my world - I love him but want to be together because i love him, not NEED him! Thanks for your support today - really appreciate it!
Hello, LandC. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.
Keep posting, even if it is only to journal what you are going through. The more people know, the more they will be able to offer advice and support. Hang in there.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
HI Phoebe, Thank you so much for you message. I will keep posting. How are you doing? Are you using a DB coach? Do you want to get back with your husband? How are you handling the situation? Does your husband have show any signs of wanting to reunite? Thank you...the support means a lot. Lisa
You are not alone. I'm finding out just how many people are in a similar situation. Just like you, I tend to think all my MR problems are my fault and my W doesn't think any of it is her fault. I too am trying not to melt down and stay strong. Hang on to whatever hope you can.
Hi TJCran Thanks for the support and pep talk. Staying strong by remembering what my DB coach said and also some good friends who were actually separated for years and almost broke up but are now happily together. I am the beacon of faith! Really helping me to listen to videos ...
Hang in there...
Last edited by Cristy; 04/18/1608:46 AM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/books/videos
LandC...when they tell you to believe none of what they say...listen! I too have been separated from my H for almost two years. We were struggling to overcome his PA prior to him leaving, and I know he (at minimum) was involved in an EA (different person) after moving out. During the time he was involved in his EA, he was staunchly convinced he was done with our M, and told me over and over how he did not love me as a W, would NEVER be able to love me as his W again, and that it didn't matter what changes I made or how good I was, that I simply could not ever meet his needs because he did not want me as a person. Period. Really, he could not have been any more negative. He filed for D and pursued it with the fury of a caged animal trying to escape. Fast forward a bit...I stopped fighting for him, accepted that I was getting a D and started moving on with my life. What do you know...as soon as I backed off, things started to change. He ended up pulling the D papers, stressing out about who I was talking to or hanging out with, and trying to convince me that there was hope for our M after all.
The bottom line is, they take what they feel in the moment and convince themselves it's real when it isn't. It isn't that he is lying or trying to be untruthful, but people get caught up in their emotions and think just because they feel a certain way one moment, it's always going to be that way. But feelings are situational and transient. When the situation changes, so do the feelings. That's why you have to take everything he says with a grain of salt and try not to panic or let it make you react on emotion. Reacting on emotion makes you do crazy things that can cause further unnecessary damage. All of us here have slightly different stories, but after you read a few, you will be surprised at how similar the patterns are as they play out. You are still in early days and time is your friend. The best thing you can do is 1) don't panic, 2) work on detaching, and 3) leave him alone to figure things out for himself. In all likelihood, he will be back at some point and will want to talk and figure things out.
Hi Annab74, Wow, thanks for taking the time to write this message to me! I can't even imagine how much more difficult this would be if there was an ea or pa in the stew as well! So are you back together now after this 2 year separation? How did you get over the pa? Do you still want him back? How long did it take you to get in the 'acceptance' phase?
Thankfully I am not panicking anymore... was for first week and thankfully there was no pursuing behavior at all on my part. I instinctively knew to do NOTHING and talk to NO ONE... yeah me! (plus since he knows me very well, he blocked my texts and calls, a frickin' blessing as it just took that off the table for me as an option, one less thing to think about0.
I think what we have here is a combination of us triggering each other after a long period of stress in our lives - I'm underemployed, his job is stressful etc. combined with perhaps a couple shots of a potent mlc potion. We were not even close to the 'miserable' level of daily life - still a lot of good things going on - worst habit on my part is avoiding conflict and then the stress builds up etc. and his resentment of earning more than me. These are solvable issues with the right skills. Now i just have to 'wait' him out! HE has no idea how I am armed with all this info from this site, plus other inspirational stuff I'm watching and talking w a DB coach etc. He has no idea what he's up against! HE is super smart person but tends to live in his head a lot - so right now he is THINKING I am the problem he must get rid of...and is not in his heart- so I am not taking what he says seriously, not today anyway!
My loving patience and not freaking out will save the day! I adore my husband and know he loves me...he's not thinking clearly about the fact that love is a daily choice with daily actions and then loving feelings follow. duh. He's definitely in a 'freaking out' phase as he thinks he'll have to spend the rest of his life with someone who is going to stress him out.
In the meantime - I'm going to get a better job and work on being the best me I can be...which has been sorely missing of late. Codependency behaviors are a B+++h. So appreciate your message and would love to hear how you are doing!
Sounds like you are doing all the right things! You are way ahead of where most of us were when we landed here.
H and I are not back together, but at this point, it is my choice. He wants to reconcile, however I have grown and changed a lot through the course of our separation, while I feel he is still pretty much in the same place. He left because he thought it would make him happy in the moment. He wants to come back because that's what suits him at this moment... Not because he suddenly had some grand wake up call about how bad his behavior was, or that our family was more important than either of our temporary pursuits of happiness. That being the case, I'm not too eager to jump back into anything with him again because it feels like I'd just be setting myself up for more of the same down the line.
Keep up the good work and keep posting to let us know how it's going!
