Husband looking for support

[dream]

What benefit do you see from telling her you know about her re-connect?

Follow the guidelines of DB'ing. Focus on you.

[Ullr]

I only read the first page, but it sounds exactly like what I'm dealing with right now. Neither of us have moved out yet

Havn't started my own thread yet, just been reading a lot and I'll agree, these dbING steps seem like the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

But my wife talks to me now in more than grunts and we can have a conversation now. And last week was the first time that she said she wants to try.

I don't follow some of the rules because those few rules are what she is upset about.

Wish I had some advice to offer but I'm lost also.

Keep up the good fight man.

Slow and steady wins the race.

[tjcran]

I'm getting more confused by the minute. I've been reading a lot of Sandi's stuff in the LBH threads. I don't see that there is an active EA right now, but I know my W has this dream of a prince charming and she thinks the EA from 6 years ago, whom she just emailed, is that prince. I'm now considering following Sandi's advice for a LBH and acting decisively and swiftly. Until we separate (and I'm the one moving out, with the kids I can't figure out a way that she moves out and they don't suffer) I might just move her stuff out of the bedroom and to the couch? Thoughts??

[LiM]

Are you leaving the house or is she? If its you, why? Where do you intend for the kids to stay? With you or her? Just trying to make sure I have it all correct.

[CWOL]

Looking for advice - I talked in an above post how W had an EA about 6 years ago. Now she sent him an email. She doesn't know I know. Since we are going to separate next week, do I even bring this up? I'm trying to think this through. Part of me says Detach and let her do her thing. Part of me says she is breaking a boundary that was set years ago. I'm leaning toward just moving forward with me, but still part of me says I need to man up and take a stand. Thoughts??

What's the content of her email? Is it to get together after she separates? Or does it reveal her EA was active and part of the reason she's seeking separation?

In either case, hold onto this information for now.

[tjcran]

I'm leaving the house. Because of our work schedules, I can not be primary care giver for the kids. If I stay in the house she takes the kids to an apartment - makes no sense.

[tjcran]

The emails between W and her former EA are pretty tame. Basically W tells him we plan to separate. He responds that he is sad for her and kids but excited that she is available. He states if he travels to our area he will make a point to see her. A few days later she talks about being exhausted and needing space and he offers support. Frankly, I don't feel I can focus on this aspect, I need to focus on me.

Today I'm in a better place - sleep does that doesn't it? I also saw the W struggle a bit, emotionally, today. She is very guarded, always has been, and has been really trying to put forward this happy "my life is going to be so great" face. (At least that's my interpretation.) It was hard for me - my thoughts were essentially, "Great, you'll put your best face on for everyone else but me." Today was a relief because it showed me that she is human and this isn't easy for her either.

It also pointed out that I need to put on some of my happy face too. She needs to see me as a high quality person. One that everyone would want in their life. And this will be my focus - become the man that I know I should be. All this untapped potential needs to be put into motion.

Final thought - was confiding in a friend what has been happening. Started talking about life events from years ago. Was horrified and how my W and I handled things. So many missed opportunities to connect and support and love each other. No more regrets going forward!!!!!!!!

[dream]

And this will be my focus - become the man that I know I should be. All this untapped potential needs to be put into motion.

I'm glad to hear this. What's your plan to make this happen? Do you have any concrete goals for yourself?

[tjcran]

Thanks for the great question. I'm working on developing my goals. I often have things in the back of my mind where I'm thinking to myself "I should do more X." Or "I wish I was more like X." I need to start sorting those out - which ones are fleeting thoughts and which ones I want to develop. Then I need to come up with an action plan. No more just letting life happen! I guess first I need to have a goal surrounding sorting out the goals.

[sandi2]

I am not sure how you define an "active EA". Your W wants the fantasy, and she is obviously chasing it down the wrong avenue. An EA really messes with the head. And don't think that b/c the OM is long distant that it's safe. It isn't. Lots of damage can be done via Internet.

As far as you setting a boundary about her contacting the OM, what would be the consequences if she chose not to honor it? I mean, the two of you are already separating, so what else could you do about her contacting him? See, a boundary is completely worthless if you don't have something as a consequence for her dishonoring it. Being separated limits what you can use as effective boundaries. Be sure you know the consequence, before opening your mouth to sound off some boundary.

Have the two of you drawn up any type of a financial agreement, child visitation schedule, etc.?

A lot of women want to live the single life and keep a foot in the M, too. They want the best of both worlds. We call it cake eating. They usually want all the advantages they had in the M, without the disadvantages. You know, like enjoying family times together. Doing things "as a family".......and of course, it's always "for the sake of the kids". No, it's for the sake of the WW! Everything is about her. She will still want to rule the roost, and partake in family events, maybe even have her time to cry on your shoulder when things don't go like she thought they would, or she'll expect you to run over ever times she beckons...........you know, kind of like she is still playing the role of your W, but she's not really.

I hope you get a plan of action in mind, and not fall for her games. She is going to try to play you, so be on guard.

I suggest you start with a massive GAL.