My question is this - I know everyone says the DB and DR methods are often counter-intuitive, but how do things like Sandi's rule #15 (don't initiate conversation and be scarce if spouse initiates) help bring two people closer? This in fact has been how we've been operating for a long time and has led to us not being close. Also, I's struggling with #8 (don't buy gifts). I bought her flowers for the first time in a long time a few weeks ago (not roses, just a Springtime bunch) and she brightened up and started taking pictures of them. I'm not going to buy her jewelry or even shower her in gifts, but an occassional card or flowers feels like it might help. Finally, Sandi's rule #9 (don't schedule dates) is something W and I talked about if we are going to separate. We both feel we would need this in order to spend time alone and figure this out.
If I read correctly, the two of you will be physically separating, right? Are you aware that the two of you also have separate viewpoints about this separation? I can already tell that you are geared up and ready to start being the H you should have been all the time. You want this separation period to be a time of courting and romancing your W and resolving the issues. That would be fine if she was on the same page. However, I seriously doubt that she is. In most cases, the W does not want the H to leave so that he can court her and for them to work things out. She doesn't want to get closer.......she wants more space. In other words, she wants freedom.
By the time a person finds themself here on the DB board, they feel lost and confused, not knowing the first thing to do. Most have received the "speech" from the spouse about not feeling in love. The 37 rules are tips for newcomers, to help them get started in the right direction. You don't understand them b/c you want all the advice in how to woo your W and become a loving couple again. You want to pursue your W and convince her that the M can work. The problem is that what you probably have in mind will not work.
Have the two of you ever separated in the past?
Back to your questions about these specific rules, these rules are to help you in preventing pursuing tactics. When the LBH always initiates contact.........she feels pressured. If he always start conversation, or tries to keep the conversation going longer......she feels smothered. If he buys gifts and/or flowers, she feels pressured. She feels this way b/c she does not want him chasing her. She wants to get away from him, not get closer.
Yes, DBing is very counter intuitive. The first thing MWD teaches is to step back, and to detach. You don't get it, right now. You have a lot to learn. There will be, hopefully, a time to court your W, but it won't be for a while. First, she has to discover that she wants you for her H. And, she won't discover it, if you are smothering her. However, if you follow the rules, it should work in helping you, and in helping her to realize she misses you.
This separation period can work for your good, if you will follow the advice.
Have you read the book, Divorce Remedy? That is the first thing to do. And while you wait for the book, read the information Cadet gave you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I get what Sandi is saying. I realized it early this morning as I lie awake in bed. I knew it before she posted her reply above. I had a terrible night. I started suspecting an A based on some things I was seeing. It's too long and too crazy of a story, but I don't think there is a PA. About 6 years ago she had a brief EA. She got discovered by me and as it was we were in counseling at the time. The counselor was clear (as was I) that an EA is harmful. I set boundaries and she followed them. However, I saw about a year ago that they are connected on FB. This wasn't one of the original boundaries since it never entered my mind as I wasn't a social media user. I should have said something right then that she was out of bounds, but I didn't want to start something because our relationship was always so rocky. Fast forward to today - I see she has sent him an email that we are separating. He replied that he was sad for her family, but happy she was coming available. He is married with kids, too. He lives across the country, but indicated he would like to see her if he is ever in the area. This is a friend of hers from long ago. I've always known that she somehow had a thing for him and it always made me feel like I don't measure up. I should have said more long ago, but I didn't.
Sandi,we have never been separated. Yes, I fully understand the Do Not Pursue philosophy and am committed to handling things that way.
Question for everyone - How do you get through all the pain? I'm trying to sleep, but can't. I'm trying to eat, but am sick to my stomach 24/7. I already exercise a lot, so getting active isn't an option. I'm just in a sucky spot. Thanks.
I understand your confusion on the rules. If your wife was willing to work on things in your marriage, then it would make sense to not follow all of the rules. However, it appears that she wants out. The best thing for you and your marriage is to follow the rules.
In response to your question: Rule #15 - Your wife wants to separate. You need to fully experience the separation. Engaging in conversations will not help the experience.
Rule #8 - Couples who are separated do not purchase gifts for each other.
Rule #9 - You're not dating, you are separated.
The hope is that your wife will realize that she does want a relationship with you during the separation, right? So while separated, be patient and give her the chance to know what it would be like. Meanwhile, continue to work on yourself and develop your skills. Be the husband you want to be for your wife. Develop your listening and communicating skills.
Question for everyone - How do you get through all the pain? I'm trying to sleep, but can't. I'm trying to eat, but am sick to my stomach 24/7. I already exercise a lot, so getting active isn't an option. I'm just in a sucky spot. Thanks.
Its so hard. I've lost 40 pounds this year and not from exercising. Its been from stress. I even got physically ill from being in my W's presence at one point. My W and I met with a counselor for my younger daughter and I literally went to the bathroom to vomit because I was so wound up. What you are going through is normally. It [censored]. I've sat in a dark closet and cried out to God for help. I've been at the lowest point in my entire life. Its horrible. Its sickening. But you must go through it. You will feel like you can't survive. You will feel like you can't go on. But you will survive. This won't kill you. None of it is fair and you don't deserve this no matter what your faults. All you can do right now is focus on you and do what you need to do to heal. Focus on your 180's and GAL. Its great that you are exercising. Keep it up. Start a journal. Talk to people. Force yourself to get out of your comfort zone.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Question for everyone - How do you get through all the pain? I'm trying to sleep, but can't. I'm trying to eat, but am sick to my stomach 24/7. I already exercise a lot, so getting active isn't an option. I'm just in a sucky spot. Thanks.
Trust me, most of us, if not all, have the same issues. I've lost 20 pounds since D-Day. I suggest you go to your MD and tell him your symptoms, he can provide you some anti-depressants. Mine put me on Wellbutrin which has few side effects. It helps a bit with the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with the territory. I take melatonin at night to help me sleep. None of these cure the problem, however, but they do help with some of the symptoms. I'm still having terrible thoughts about the betrayal and particularly how my WW's lack of guilt over the whole thing.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Biggest piece of advice I can give, and I didn't learn this soon enough, is the best way to reconnect starts with working on yourself. You connect to the outside world by looking inside first.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
tjcran, I'm sorry that anybody has to be here. I was in incredible pain 3+ months ago (hard to believe it's been that long) and still am to some degree.
If you're still in communication with your W, it is imperative to follow the DR rules. I would really recommend getting a coach here STAT, because they can fine-tune to your sitch. You'll hear a lot of the same stories, but everyone winds up in a different place.
To tell you how to work through this, I can't. Losing weight? It's called the DB diet. I weigh a bit less now than I did in high school. It's pathetic. Like CWOL says, melatonin helps for sleep - but don't overdo it. Exercise, and then do it again. Get those endorphins working. And, GAL. Find other activities, things to do. Show that you can survive well on your own, in spite of what you may really feel. We're pulling for you.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
The good news is that you have found a wonderful support group here. Don't be too hard on yourself regarding missed signs. The best thing you can do now is to move forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said move forward, not move on.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I'm trying to figure out how to follow the DB and DR method when at the same time I feel like we need to emotionally connnect.
To address this, again, I didn't get it until it was too late, but the only way she will reconnect with you is by seeing what is truly inside. For her to do that, you have to connect with what is inside you. Accept yourself for who you are, but focus on bettering yourself at the same time. Throw away the negativity.
In summary, you don't really need to change, you need to wake up.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Thank you everyone for the support! I am committed to doing my best DR I can.
Looking for advice - I talked in an above post how W had an EA about 6 years ago. Now she sent him an email. She doesn't know I know. Since we are going to separate next week, do I even bring this up? I'm trying to think this through. Part of me says Detach and let her do her thing. Part of me says she is breaking a boundary that was set years ago. I'm leaning toward just moving forward with me, but still part of me says I need to man up and take a stand. Thoughts??
